Involved with married woman

[hntwwg]

Hello,

I need some advise. About 4 months ago, a new girl came to my work as an intern. She is from another continent and came to intern after an exchange student semester at a local unviversity.

To make a long story short we became friends, best friends actually and later fell in love. Falling in love or getting intimately involved was never each others intentions. We just wanted to be friends which we were and are. I have always stayed away from married women but it happened here and part of me is very ashamed of this, although I do not regret getting involved because I have finally learned what true love can be like. And it is a wonderful thing and has really changed the way I look at life now.

I am a 35 year old single man who has been in realtionships before and I have ever experienced a connection like this. We are best friends, like the same things, hate the same things, think the same thoughts where at times it is very weird, can feel each others presence, we make each other feel like the best who ever existed. I have never believed in the term "soulmate" but meeting her has actually made me understand and believe this word. We absolutley adore eachother.... but she is married and has been emotionally separated for years.

Her story: 24 years old. Engaged at 15 to a 19 year old. Rushed into mariage (obviously) for reasons of religion ie wanting a sexual relationship (no sex before marriage). Her parents fought her on getting married but finally gave in. Over time she realized she made a mistake. She is not "in love with him", and really just looks at him as a friend. She does love him and care about him though. She does not find him physically attractive, romantic, nor look at him as being the type of man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. In some ways she despises him for some of the things he wants sexually, tries to change her appearance, etc.

She tells me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me but deep inside she can't end her marriage until she is convinced it's hopeless. I have encouraged her to repair her marriage if she thinks she will be happier with him. I really just want her to be happy. I love her with all my heart.

So now she is in Europe, and I am in North America. Her husband knows everything. She is in the process of reparing the marriage( or seeing if it can be repaired) and she says it's not looking good(for him).

My questions are:

1) Am I a bad person?

2) How do I handle our freindship now? I try really hard not to contact her but she ends up contacting me. I want to support her as I love her dearly but do not want her to ever resent me for ending her marriage by telling her what I want. At times, she asks me to call her and I do. Not sure how to handle this.

3) Can our love be real and last of she leaves him? I feel it can, but I am the one in love here.

[Lozenger]

Heya,

I don't feel that you're a bad person. Yes, it was a risky, if not a stupid idea to get involved with a married woman - especially as she seems to have a strict religion (no sex before marriage) Does her religion agree with divorce?

But a bad person would not have encouraged her to repair her marriage Instead, you helped her to realise that she doesn't really love this man and that she rushed into marriage and it's not really fair to him for her to be with him if she no longer loves him they way she used to. He doesn't seem to love her that much anyway as you mentioned about him trying to change her appearance. People who really love eachother love them just how they are and accept the flaws as well as the good things

As you know, she is going through a rough patch in her marriage and so I say you keep in contact with her as she'll need a special friend to help her. Be there for her as her friend as at the moment, that's the most you can do for her

I'd say your love can be real if she ends up leaving her current partner. You both have a lot in common and have a connection with one another. There may be times when your relationship gets bad, but that happens in many relationships and so as long as you are there for eachother and communicate with eachother and understand one another then I don't see why your love can't be real

Best Wishes to all involved

X

[vashti]

I disagree strongly with the above advice. You should absolutely cut all contact. She is married, and her talking to you on the side is a violation of her marital responsibilities. Tell her until she figures out her marital situation, to quit calling you. Her marriage doesn't stand a chance with you in the picture.

BTW - I think her calling you up to update you on his "chances" is really appalling, given her betrayal. Maybe she isn't really mature enough for you. Please tell us she hasn't reproduced yet.

[hntwwg]

I appreciate both your advise but am leaning towards cutting all contact. FYI- I asked her about her how the repair is going and she told me. She by no means called me to give me this info. And she has no kids. I would feel even worse about the situation than I do right now if there were kids in the picture.

[Gigabitch]

She sounds kind of unstable to me. I hear that you're very emotionally entangled with her, but I'm worried that this girl is going to shred you.

Oh, and to be clear, you're not "friends". Just because you're not actually porking her doesn't mean you're friends. Friendship is more than just a default term you can fall back on when your sexual agenda is thwarted. If she were your friend, she wouldn't treat you like this.

[hntwwg]

She sounds kind of unstable to me. I hear that you're very emotionally entangled with her, but I'm worried that this girl is going to shred you.

Oh, and to be clear, you're not "friends". Just because you're not actually porking her doesn't mean you're friends. Friendship is more than just a default term you can fall back on when your sexual agenda is thwarted. If she were your friend, she wouldn't treat you like this.

I'll be ok. I prepared myself for her leaving for good. Yes I will be sad, but not a wreck like I would be if I were convinced we would end up togehter.

So you are saying that since we were friends for 3.5 months with no sex, spent .5 months having sex, and now were no longer having sex, wer'e no longer friends? So freindship goes out the window after porking? Please explain.

[IndiReloaded]

Simply put, there are more than enough single people out there. Stay away from married ones.

Or, if you absolutely MUST have a married one (love happens), then tell them, but then stay away from them & live your own life until they are divorced.

If there are kids living at home, stay away from them. Period.

[FoxyLaydee]

You need to go no contact with this woman. She's trying to make her marriage work and it's not helping her if you stay in the picture.

Best advice is to just stay away from married people.

[Kromat]

I have a dance partner that's married, should I stop talking to her too?, even though we go at the same time and dance together because her husband doesn't have the guts to support his wife, and try something new.
I suggested I don't want to get involved when I asked her to hang out to dance and chat, this was before I knew she was married.
She told me that, If I want to chat with her on phone, she's fine with it, even though
She thought I did, and she forgave me, and even told me that I can hang out with her friends, I found that to be a kind gesture.
She probably trusts me enough to consider me as a friend, she does compliment me on how I dance, but I've been taking it a few more years that her, so I'm more comfortable with it.
I just come to help out and only have to pay for 1 class for 2 hours, and still do my silver / gold class, so it's good practice for technique and let the others enjoy the lessons.

As long a there's nothing physical going on, it shouldn't be a big deal , what If her husband had a buddy he wanted to introduce to his wife, he could still talk to her because he trusts his buddy.
In your situation, your just as bad as her to go along with the situation and get attached, make sure the divorce is finalized, or she has taken some time to get her emotions in check.

P.S. I say leave her alone, it might've been a fling, but let her solve it on her own.

[hntwwg]

Contact has been cut. Thanks for your support.

[vashti]

You did the right thing, IMO. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

You're doing the right thing. In fact, its the only reasonable thing you could have done. Try to breathe, live your life each day & let things play out how they will now you've made your decision. There's no urgency to anything beyond this point. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

I have a dance partner that's married, should I stop talking to her too?, even though we go at the same time and dance together because her husband doesn't have the guts to support his wife, and try something new.

As long a there's nothing physical going on, it shouldn't be a big deal.

You're quite wrong about this, kromat. It can be quite damaging, depending on what's going on. Not saying this is necessarily your case, but you should be careful. Here, have a read & learn:

[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair[/url]

[FoxyLaydee]

EA is more painful than PA for some women.. think about that, Kromat.

[hntwwg]

This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life! This is really a true test for me.