My bf suddenly wants to wait until marriage to have sex.....

[elfen31]

I met this guy online....he's a good person. But I don't know if I'm judging him harshly or what, but....his sister just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and while holding her in his arms for the first time, he suddenly decides that the next time that he has sex will be when he's married, which ordinarily I suppose should make a woman feel lucky but, I can't help feeling something's wrong. For one, it seems there was always a problem concerning sex with him. Before we met finally after talking online for about 2 months, he couldn't decide if he wanted to give up his virginity because he was afraid of catching AIDS, and I advised that we could simply use protection. We eventually did have sex, once, after we met and he spent 5 days with me. And yes we're currently involved in a long distance relationship (he in Missouri, me in Jamaica)

This bothers me because I've heard of so many instances where men abstain from having sex with their so before marriage because they're not sure of their sexuality. I know this isn't necessarily true in all instances, but I can't help but wonder, and I'm deathly afraid of getting involved with someone who isn't sure of his sexuality not just because of the fear of STDs but also just the emotional damage that that would do to me.

I've spoken to him about it....and he has said it's because he was raised to wait before marriage. I guess I either accept this or go. The truth is I do have a high sex drive.....and when we see each other again....if this is going to be the case....I really don't think I could stand it.

[clearskies]

Hi, i think he is right at least from the moral point of view. Do respect his decision. It has nothing to do with his sexuality, i assure you. He is delaying it all for the honeymoon, he has not done anything wrong but that is the right thing.

[elfen31]

Thanks..I really appreciate your advice.

[clearskies]

wish u good luck in this relationship, hope it works well for u , who knows we might be invited..

[GrkScorp]

I've spoken to him about it....and he has said it's because he was raised to wait before marriage. I guess I either accept this or go. The truth is I do have a high sex drive.....and when we see each other again....if this is going to be the case....I really don't think I could stand it.

Honestly.., you have every right to be upset..

Nobody is telling you to disrespect his moral choice.., but at the same time.., sex IS important to you.., and it's NOT fair to you.., to not have that need satisfied.., and it's not right of HIM.., so sit there and watch.., as you remain frustrated and have that need unsatisfied..

You have to explain that to him in a way that you feel he can understand.., you probably know him best.., so you know by now how to go about talking to him the right way..

Suggest the idea of oral sex.., or just manual sex (fingering.., rubbing.., etc).., or suggest that you both get tested..

I'm pretty sure however.., that as a guy.., if you explain to him that your need for sex is there.., that you are frustrated.., unsatisfied.., unhappy.., and how unfair it is to you.., he will not have much of an issue in leaving any moral appeals behind that attach him to his quasi-virginity.., if he does.., well then.., he's just demonstrated that his needs are more important than yours.., (your sexual needs.., which are very important to you).., and do you really want to be with someone like that?

Best,

GrkScorp

[elfen31]

Honestly.., you have every right to be upset..

Nobody is telling you to disrespect his moral choice.., but at the same time.., sex IS important to you.., and it's NOT fair to you.., to not have that need satisfied.., and it's not right of HIM.., so sit there and watch.., as you remain frustrated and have that need unsatisfied..

You have to explain that to him in a way that you feel he can understand.., you probably know him best.., so you know by now how to go about talking to him the right way..

Suggest the idea of oral sex.., or just manual sex (fingering.., rubbing.., etc).., or suggest that you both get tested..

I'm pretty sure however.., that as a guy.., if you explain to him that your need for sex is there.., that you are frustrated.., unsatisfied.., unhappy.., and how unfair it is to you.., he will not have much of an issue in leaving any moral appeals behind that attach him to his quasi-virginity.., if he does.., well then.., he's just demonstrated that his needs are more important than yours.., (your sexual needs.., which are very important to you).., and do you really want to be with someone like that?

Best,

GrkScorp

Thanks GrkScorp....actually I have explained to him that I do have a high sex drive and he's told me that he has a high sex drive too, but then there are other times when he's not sure he has a high sex drive or not. I mean....sometimes I'm downright confused. I'm VERY attracted to him but it's like sometimes....I don't know. Btw I got tested at his request, and I'm 100% negative. I don't know ...with him, honestly I feel that if it's not one thing it's the other, where sex is concerned. First it was fear of AIDS ,then it was uncertainty about his sex drive, then it was wanting more from the relationship than just sex, then it's now, wanting to wait until after marriage. I mean it's like all of a sudden he remembers that he was raised to wait until after marriage?!

[GrkScorp]

Thanks GrkScorp....actually I have explained to him that I do have a high sex drive and he's told me that he has a high sex drive too, but then there are other times when he's not sure he has a high sex drive or not. I mean....sometimes I'm downright confused. I'm VERY attracted to him but it's like sometimes....I don't know. Btw I got tested at his request, and I'm 100% negative. I don't know ...with him, honestly I feel that if it's not one thing it's the other, where sex is concerned. First it was fear of AIDS ,then it was uncertainty about his sex drive, then it was wanting more from the relationship than just sex, then it's now, wanting to wait until after marriage. I mean it's like all of a sudden he remembers that he was raised to wait until after marriage?!

Hmm.., sounds to me like he doesn't have much experience and is self-conscious about it.., and if that's the case.., he may be creating all these excuses.., just to guard himself against what he thinks sex is going to be like.., "a crappy experience for you.., who will consider what he does.., substandard"

This is based upon looking at how inconsistent all of his "reasons" are..

I'll PM you with some links on how to fix that..

Best,

GrkScorp

[squirrley]

I don't think it's fair to him or you. Each of has to have respect for one another no matter what the issue is, if you can't overcome it, then something has to give and or you decide you're not meant for one another. Like Gksp, I too say recommend talking to him about other means of sexual gratification. It works for other couples. My hubby and I were together for a year prior to getting married. A couple of months prior to the wedding he suggested we didn't have sex of any kind until our wedding night. WHAT? Ok, and WHY? He said because he wanted the build up of it and have the special night. It was amazing and I'm glad we did it.

He's not a bad guy for suggesting it. You have to give him some credit or at least respect his decision. But he should also respect you and your needs too. If you don't feel you can hold out then you may have to walk away. Maybe the whole holding his niece freaked him out. Who knows what goes through a mans head, the one on top! But you have to talk it through and try to compromise if you want to spend the rest of your life with him. and or propose to him to get married now! Goodluck!

[lesa]

This bothers me because I've heard of so many instances where men abstain from having sex with their so before marriage because they're not sure of their sexuality. I know this isn't necessarily true in all instances, but I can't help but wonder, and I'm deathly afraid of getting involved with someone who isn't sure of his sexuality not just because of the fear of STDs but also just the emotional damage that that would do to me.

At first I was thinking "my kind of man" but then I read this above. Hmm, very interesting theory. It may be a possibility. Some men had sex ed classes that scared the **** out of everybody. I knew two men like that. They want to be careful that they do not become a statistics. Another man possibly was bisexual.

If you do not agree with his beliefs then you must decide whether you want to continue a relationship with him.

[elfen31]

Hmm.., sounds to me like he doesn't have much experience and is self-conscious about it.., and if that's the case.., he may be creating all these excuses.., just to guard himself against what he thinks sex is going to be like.., "a crappy experience for you.., who will consider what he does.., substandard"

This is based upon looking at how inconsistent all of his "reasons" are..

I'll PM you with some links on how to fix that..

Best,

GrkScorp

Thanks for the links GrkScorp.

[Cain]

Honestly.., you have every right to be upset..

Nobody is telling you to disrespect his moral choice.., but at the same time.., sex IS important to you.., and it's NOT fair to you.., to not have that need satisfied.., and it's not right of HIM.., so sit there and watch.., as you remain frustrated and have that need unsatisfied..

You have to explain that to him in a way that you feel he can understand.., you probably know him best.., so you know by now how to go about talking to him the right way..

Suggest the idea of oral sex.., or just manual sex (fingering.., rubbing.., etc).., or suggest that you both get tested..

I'm pretty sure however.., that as a guy.., if you explain to him that your need for sex is there.., that you are frustrated.., unsatisfied.., unhappy.., and how unfair it is to you.., he will not have much of an issue in leaving any moral appeals behind that attach him to his quasi-virginity.., if he does.., well then.., he's just demonstrated that his needs are more important than yours.., (your sexual needs.., which are very important to you).., and do you really want to be with someone like that?

Best,

GrkScorp

And that would be a horribly selfish thing for her to do. Him wanting to wait until marriage before having sex again is a moral choice he made. For her to try to guilt him into changing his morals just so she can satisfy a desire of the flesh is uncalled for. She can handle her own sexuality by masturbating.

And secondly, if you have a high sex drive, long distance relationships (especially international) are probably not for you.

[GrkScorp]

And that would be a horribly selfish thing for her to do. Him wanting to wait until marriage before having sex again is a moral choice he made. For her to try to guilt him into changing his morals just so she can satisfy a desire of the flesh is uncalled for. She can handle her own sexuality by masturbating.

Is it? Sex is a most natural part of any relationship.., a normal urge.., and a more than reasonable desire.., a need and urge that she needs satisfied.., and it also helps bring two people closer together..

Moral appeals on the other hand.., are an imaginary concept.., created.., by words.., said over and over again.., by a lot of people.., until someone eventually believes them.., they are always deemed to be a virtue.., a high and noble belief.., not to be questioned..

Well.., you know what.., question it for a second.., it's a conflict between his need to maintain his moral appeal and "feel good about himself".., that he's being a "good person" and doing the "right thing".., versus a natural desire.., her urge for sex (and his urge for sex).., that can meet and make them feel closer together..

Selfish of her? Or irrational of him? Is it a matter of guilt.., or a matter of genuine needs and wants? Is it a matter of greed.., or of communication and understanding? A matter of which need prevails.., or of mutual compromise and satisfaction? Is this a one-way relationship.., or a two-way relationship?

And secondly, if you have a high sex drive, long distance relationships (especially international) are probably not for you.

True.., but.., it is what it is..

[Cain]

No matter the reasons for his moral change of actions, she should stand by his morality and not pressure him into it. If she needs to have her sexual needs fulfilled, she might look at finding a new relationship.

[elfen31]

No matter the reasons for his moral change of actions, she should stand by his morality and not pressure him into it. If she needs to have her sexual needs fulfilled, she might look at finding a new relationship.

I definitely won't pressure him into it Cain. I DO respect his decision.

[vashti]

Cain, I am liking your perspectives.

Just imagine how this would sound if it were a woman who wanted to wait for marriage, and her boyfriend was pressuring her.

Find someone who has morals more in line with your own. This boys is from the bible belt, and his feelings are probably pretty well-ingrained.