How to renew/refresh our relationship?

[hermionegranger]

Did you two start fighting before or after the distance? If after, the distance is ruining the relationship and by the looks of it, there's no way in hell you're going to make it through it.

We started fighting after the distance. And I've been hoping the whole time that when he'd return everything would go back to normal. But he's been back for a month now and nothing has changed. We're still fighting. During weekdays I live in a city closer to him and we can meet anytime we want and the distance shouldn't bee a problem anymore, but we're still fighting.... :'(

[Cain]

It really looks like it's burnt out. Now you both are just kinda riding on the fumes. You've run out of gas and it's only a matter of time before your car breaks down completely.

[shh!]

Have you started a new form of birth control (the pill, or some variation of it) in the last 6 months or so? It could explain your change in sex drive.

[lesa]

Medications like antidepressants and antihypertensive can cause low sex drive. It sounds to me to be low sex drive because you seem to not get aroused for any reasons, correct? Arousal does not become too difficult like climaxing, etc. Now explore the reasons.

[Cain]

Sex isn't the only problem here, everyone. They can't get along. I think not getting along is a bigger issue than sex at the moment.

[shh!]

Yes, but sex is good for bonding. If there is no bonding going on, that can affect what happens outside the bedroom.

[Cain]

Yes, but sex is good for bonding. If there is no bonding going on, that can affect what happens outside the bedroom.

There ARE other ways to bond. They're going to have to figure those ways out because sex drives are gonna start decreasing as they get older.

[hermionegranger]

I've turned my phone back on, it's been on for about 7-8 hours now, but I haven't even got an SMS from him. I mean... I do think he started the fight and should be apologizing, but as the hours go by, I'm more and more starting to blame myself and considering apologizing myself. I really don't know what to do. I've analyzed everything I said and everything he said and wondering why the situation turned out the way it did, but I haven't found a solution. I'm just trying to get some sleep now and wait until morning and see if anythings going to... change for the better or not.

Have you started a new form of birth control (the pill, or some variation of it) in the last 6 months or so? It could explain your change in sex drive.

No, we've always been using condoms, because pills have had different side-effects when I've been using them, so a condom is the best option for us (for me).

Medications like antidepressants and antihypertensive can cause low sex drive. It sounds to me to be low sex drive because you seem to not get aroused for any reasons, correct? Arousal does not become too difficult like climaxing, etc. Now explore the reasons.

Well, I'm not taking any medication and I haven't been taking any antidepressants or other things like that in my life. But I do believe I have a low sex drive, because almost nothing seems to arouse me. I've tried masturbation, I've tried thinking about my boyfriend while at it, I've tried thinking about Johnny Depp , I've tried watching pornography, but nothing seems to be working...



I think that sex problems are causing our fights and also vice versa, so it's like a vicious circle we can't get out of...

[Mish]

Everything is has been going downhill lately. It's like we've grown apart or something. We argue about small insignificant details every day... And though I'm telling myself that we shouldn't argue this much and that I should not force so many matters into arguments, the arguments still happen.

Arguments are very important in a relationship imo, but it all depends on how you argue. There are different styles of arguing and sharing of opinion. Some styles are very productive, they open up communication, nurture the relationship and help it grow. Other styles are destructive, volatile and malicious, they destroy the relationship. An interesting test to find out which style you use is stop next time you are having an argument and think for a second. Does this argument have a lot of criticism, a lot of defensiveness, a lot of contempt. Is this an intimidation type of argument where one party needs to win at the cost of another one loosing. If it is then it's most likely a destructive style that's being used and what's needed is to change the style of the argument into a mutually supportive one. One that aims at win / win as solution. It doesn't matter how many arguments you have if they are mutually supportive. You will enjoy them and they will help you grow.

I'm also bored. We don't do as much things together as we used to. And our sex-life is also complicated. I have arousal problems - I just don't feel anything when he touches me. Well, I can't say that I don't feel ANYTHING, I do feel that I love him and that I care for him, but I don't feel aroused, I won't get wet and our sex is dry. I've never had an orgasm with him. He is trying, but after 10 minutes I just give up.

A lot of sex issues are very fixable and most likely yours is as well. You posted that you have a conservative attitude about sex, could it be that your conservative attitude (How I understand it is non willingness to talk about sexual issues openly and try new things) is interferring with your sexual enjoyment? If it is then you will have to find a way to break out of this mind set. You have to be able to communicate your feelings, your wants and needs to your partner and experiment until you find a solution that works for you. A lot of information is avlaible on issues of dryness, arousal problems, techniques even complicated issues like vaginismus but they are all solvable if you are willing to put your mind to it. Read up as much as you can, experiment and try new things. If all else fails go to a sex therapist. This is for you. Even if you change partners in the future you still need to learn how to solve this problem.

Me, myself and I are giving up, because I don't feel anything, I might find myself thinking about a bar of chocolate on the table or what are we going to eat for breakfast or what classes I have the next day.

Focus may give you clarity. This is not different to any other life situation. If you left your thoughts drift while you're doing tasks at work you as well will find yourself having problems.

I was thinking... If maybe we'd just start over, go on a first date, do something fun together, act like we didn't know each other, learn new things about one another. I told him about my idea, but he didn't like it very much. He admits we have a problem, but... he doesn't think it's the right way to solve it. What do you think?

Role playing could be good. I think the main idea is to enjoy yourself with your partner. Avoid criticism and blame. Look for positive solutions that benefit both of you. Have fun. Be open to experiemntation and new things both in the bedroom and outside. Think about how you contribute to the problem first before making any accusations. Use the art of persuasion to get him on your side.