Should I take her back? (very long thread)

[VodkaLove2262]

First off, I want to say thanks for taking the time to hear me out with this.
It's a bit of a long story, but hopefully you'll see something I don't in the mass amount of detail.

Her name is Lauren. Me and her met online a long time ago. She is 1 year younger than me (I am 23) This January will be 12 years. We only lived about 20-30 mins away from eachother. We spoke on the phone maybe once a week or so (for a few hours) Overall, really good online buds.

In March of 2006, I had gotten injured at work. Was an interesting 2 months. Me and her would be on the phone every single night for hours and hours. We became closer than ever in those 2 months. She wanted to meet me for a while at this time, but I was too self conscious about my looks to make the trip. Plus, I had a bit of a fear of driving somewhere I never been to and at night. (had just recently fought cancer and ended up gaining weight) I met her in October that year and it was a good night. Met up and really liked eachother. Ended up dating shortly after.
She even had a surgery that I was there for. Almost got fired from my job because I spent so much time sleeping on her floor being there for her.

We had some rocky points in the relationship... During the time we were talking, she made it clear that I'm not to see any other girls and she wouldn't be seeing any guys... Just to find out that while we were talking she sleeping with two different guys and had no intention of stopping. She says it ended when me and her got together.
She had mentioned that she is going to be moving to California. We're both from NY. My goal has always been to leave NY for a few years and come back a completely different person. That's the bulk of the reason I moved to CA with her in April of '07.

Now, the first like... 2-3 months weren't bad really. The sex went from everyday/every other day to once a week if I was lucky (not complaining about that really, we had work to do) We worked out any and all problems and had solid compromises. We adjusted to living with eachother QUICKLY.
After that, went straight downhill. I'd constantly get screamed at for stupid things, and I do mean STUPID things. Few examples..
1) Making a small mess when doing dishes and getting yelled at WHILE doing dishes to clean it up. (wet counter-top)
2) A paper fell off the table that I didn't notice until she pointed it out. Get yelled at for not picking it up earlier.
3) Garbage smell, has to be taken out. Screamed at for it.
4) Working a double shift at work. I come home tired and she wants to spend time. "It was your choice for working a double shift, u should have to spend time with me cause it's ur fault"
I can go on for hours.

She'd be at home every single day doing nothing with her life. Every argument was so pointless and I was convinced she started em for no reason. I dunno why, that's just what she did. I wouldn't be allowed to talk to ANY female friends without her getting pissed at me. Hell, even guy friends she didn't really want me talking to and she started to think of excuses for me not to, but I put her in her place for that. If another girl would even breathe in my direction, she didn't like them.
To make it worse, she'd involve her family in EVERY SINGLE argument and would deny doing anything wrong, including calling me the N word.

After realizing I'm not happy in this house, or relationship, I started to leave the house more and more. That resulted in me constantly being questioned whenever I walked in the door. Even if I went to hang out with her sisters boyfriend (husband now) I'd be bombarded with a million questions when I got home.
I decided to take a class to become a nursing assistant. She wasn't very supportive of it really. I ended up having to work 2 jobs and go to school. Everyone looked at me and wondered how I wasn't the last bit stressed from it all. Depending on who asked, the answer was "It's not that bad. I don't consider school to be work and I've been working since I was 11." to most, the answer was "Yes, it's stressful at times, but I'd honestly rather work 2 jobs + school than be at home with Lauren even for an hour."

During class, I got close to one of my classmates named Kristine. We were just friends. She made it OBVIOUS she liked me though, and I guess it felt nice to have another girls attention that wasn't making me feel like garbage. I have a lot of morals and as much as I thought about it, I didn't cheat on Lauren. Had more than 1 chance, but didn't take any of them. I know girls are offered sex on a daily basis, but it's weird... I don't know how or even why women are constantly calling me trying to "hang out tonight" It gets annoying at times, but I don't do 1-night stands anymore. (I don't see myself as pretty, so that can't be it?) {getting back to topic}
Lauren hated Kristine with a passion. Would constantly call her names for no reason, question me about her, want to meet her, ect. I would complain to Kris about Lauren all the time. Hell, my class KNEW I couldn't stand Lauren. (We were a close class)
Kris was asian and because everyone at my new job spoke phillipino, she wrote me a book trying to translate the language for me. I can speak the basics, but in the book she put a bunch of stickers, hearts and crap. I didn't think anything of it because she didn't do anything scary in my opinion. Didn't put my name in hearts, circles, nothing of the sort. She's just creative I guess? (yes, I know it sounds like an excuse, but hey, I already admitted that I knew she liked me) Either way, she didn't cross any lines. Didn't make a move on me, knew I was with Lauren, but unfortunately knew the relationship was failing horrendously.

During this time, she was talking to this guy named Joey. Some pot head loser who got kicked from the army. She had a crush on him before she got with me. They started getting uncomfortably close. I dunno what I saw in Lauren still. She treated me like garbage and yet I still tried to make things right with her EVEN KNOWING that I wasn't the problem. She concealed every reason she was talking to him, and made it obvious she liked him. He'd text her at 7am knowing it bothered the hell out of me. She swore left and right that they were *just friends* and she had no intention of sleeping with him, or getting with him or anything of the sort. In my eyes, it's like... You have the power to stop this. Why the hell is he texting u so early? It's annoying. She pretty much told me "if he knows it annoys u, he's just gonna do it more." In my eyes, feeding into him over me.

One of my friends that I got into an argument years ago messaged me on MSN one day apologizing for the whole thing. I e-mailed her exchanging phone #s again. She had called me one day before going to work and I told her I'd call her later on. Lauren gives her (racist) added commentary in the background that luckily my friend didn't hear. I asked her what her problem was and told her If I did that when she was on the phone with Joey she'd have problems with it. She told me "I'm talking to Joey online right now and he says this and this about you." I got annoyed at this point and typed to him saying "my name shouldn't be coming out of ur mouth. only thing I ever said about u was that u looked like a turtle." he tries to provoke like "i'll be there in june. I'll be more than happy to show u who the real man is" I just responded "real men don't get kicked out of the military." Lauren took the comp back and screamed at me taking his side completely saying I have no respect for her friends. I went to work and tried to forget about it.

I had told her that I was going back to NY in June for 2 weeks vacation and that I'd be back a day before her birthday. She went ahead and told me that Joey would be coming out to visit her. That was a huge argument and I told her flat out that if she is serious about that, I ain't coming back in June. At this point, the relationship was just over. She tried to make things right, but her version of making a relationship work meant sex 2x a day. such a wonderful week, but sex means nothing when ur constantly getting yelled at.

Few weeks go by and she texts me while I'm at work on one of her "i hate life" kicks. Usually when we talk, the end result is "you always know just what to say to me. I love you" this time, she just stopped texting back only for me to find out later that she was telling joey the same stuff she was telling me and he basically told her to suck it up and stop being a baby.

[VodkaLove2262]

June arrives. My buddy comes out to visit me (a girl) and we end up staying in a hotel together. (No sex. Was offered, but couldn't go thru with it) Lauren is pissed at this point.
I go back to see her before I leave for NY and she tries to tell me that she's sorry for everything she did. That she was jealous of me the entire time and that she wants to be with me. Doesn't want me to leave blah blah blah. We decide that I'm gonna go for a few months, then come back and make the relationship work again.

During this time, she's CONSTANTLY on the phone with her ex-boyfriend and Joey. She tells me that her and joey are getting closer again and she wants him to come out and visit. I found this out by seeing her myspace and it just crushed me. I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. From August til Oct, we didn't speak unless it was necessary. She spoke maybe twice. I remember one convo, she was saying that if I come back to CA for a visit, I won't be able to come to the house because Joey will be there, but we can meet at McDonalds (on the corner.) I even asked her "It's ur house, and when I was ur BF, he's allowed to come there while i'm not there, but if he's ur roommate and I can't come to the house? I'll solve this problem, I'm not coming to see you, period." She was crushed.

She calls me in Oct and is telling me that I was right about Joey in that he was an asshole. Was rude, disrespectful, insulted her, everything. I honestly thought about telling him off via myspace until I saw how much she was flirting with him.
During that convo, I told her that I really didn't know what to say. Nothing I can say that she hasn't already said other than 'u got what u deserved'

She wants to talk more and I guess I didn't mind cause of the ego boost it gave... But I realized that I still cared about her.
I had actually got with a girl and Lauren knew about it. She started bring up a bunch of stupid stuff that didn't work between me and Lauren and told me not to do it to her. U know, the whole jealousy thing.

She calls me and decides to tell me that she's changed and realizes that she still loves me and wants to be with me. I told her I couldn't cause I'm in a relationship right now. Well, the relationship ended cause the girl lied to me about something major... like already having a boyfriend.

Well, she explained how sorry she was and that she really wants to try things again... She felt it was necessary to tell me that she ending up giving Joey oral in an attempt to get him to stay (because currently she is financially screwed). She was having her period and Joey was gonna make an attempt to "work through it" but he couldn't handle blood so it didn't happen.. Went in, but nothing after. Honestly, that devastated me because even with my ex (that lied to me) I couldn't get intimate with her because I still felt something for Lauren. In turn, I shouldn't have been with her to begin with. I found out the lie before I got the chance to tell her that I didn't wanna be in the relationship anymore.


I dunno what to do... Do I give her another chance? Do I really love and miss her, or is it the sex/attention? A side of me is curious to see if she's really changed. So far, she's just telling me she changed, but hasn't done anything to ->show me<-. She's in school now, but only because her dad let her 'borrow' $10,000 if she decided to go to school.
After typing out all that negative, a side of me just got so disgusted that I don't wanna talk to her anymore. She treated me like pure and total GARBAGE, and now that things aren't working for her, she wants me to move back and be with her. She has trouble admitting that she picked him over me because he seemed like the 'macho manly' type.. her ideal guy is an asshole who is nice to her... I told her that her ideal guy simply doesn't exist, and if he did, she wouldn't like him.

During the time that me and her weren't talking, I was happy. calm cool and collected. Now that she's back, it's not bad really. It's a nice time killer, nice to hear her voice again, but that level of friendship is just no longer there. I still care about her and everything to the point where she's telling me she's broke and I offered her $2,000. she said no though. (good cuz secretly she wasn't getting it anyway)

I know during the relationship when it was okay, I wanted to take her out all the time. Thing is, I had no money to do anything of the sort. I had to literally start everything from scratched. Took me 8 months, but I turned everything around. Had a great job, great friends, was financially secure.. only thing I lacked was a reason to be nice to her.. I'll never forget when I surprised her with breakfast in bed. She got mad at me cause the floor wasn't mopped. I'm just like "uhh.. I work full time.. u sit at home all day doing nothing.. THAT'S what ur gonna yell at me for?"

I really don't know what to do... Give her a chance? Walk away? My heart and mind are completely disagreeing with eachother.
Heart says - She says she's changed. She keeps apologizing.. even her attitude on the phone is different... I dunno what I see in her, but it's something. She's the complete opposite of what I go for but I ended up falling in love with her.
Head says - If you get back with her, I'm purposely going to have an aneurysm.

Any help is appreciated.

[Cbrider]

Look man.....

Your heart is going to follow your feelings and what made you feel good at some point, your mind will protect you and steer you away from sources of pain.

She needs to SHOW you shes changed, words are easy and manipulative, actions are not.

With you being away now and knowing you are happy apart from her I say cut your losses and move on with life as hard as that may seem. In time you will slowly let go of it all and be just fine.

A leopard never changes its spots.

[Charlie Boy II]

What do you expect anyone to say? Your ex-girlfriend is an unpleasant, abusive, slut. Why would you go anywhere near her?

[doppelgaenger]

If you continue the relationship at this rate, you're going to have the the skills of a renowned writer.

Do yourself a favor and stop investing your time and money into this 'relationship' It's not going to work and you're not getting anything out of it.

[Cbrider]

Charlie boy II is a realist, and hes right I just didn't want to be so brutally honest.

[Skyfish]

You deserve better than a her. Let it go.