My Boyfriend is having an affair with his Cousin?!

[ecojeanne]

yep the cousin thinks she is way more important than the gf - she may well be telling the truth - they are family and she saw the arguments and therefore see's the gf's argument as an attack on a family member she values very highly.

she probably asked if she was still his gf due the fact that she had witnessed the arguments - slagging the situation basically.....i've made this statement plenty of times to my brother. to me it means nothing.

i'm also not disputing that there could be something wrong....but the gf wouldn't have been too happy (after she violated his privacy) to see undesirable comments made about her and is therefore angry and probably scornful

just my thoughts

[Gribble]

The problem, Mish, is that she snooped. I'll send private messages or share private conversations with one friend that I wouldn't want another to hear. What she did was dishonest. Her actions are rude and inappropriate. Whatever was said between the boyfriend and his cousin was none of this girl's business.

Quite frankly, if someone digs through my cell for text messages or previous calls, if they check my e-mails, if they listen in on the other line when I'm on my phone, they've broken my trust. I'd find it deeply insulting and nearly impossible to forgive. From the number of posts we see from folks snooping on their partners this sounds like a fairly common problem.

[Mish]

The problem, Mish, is that she snooped. I'll send private messages or share private conversations with one friend that I wouldn't want another to hear. What she did was dishonest. Her actions are rude and inappropriate. Whatever was said between the boyfriend and his cousin was none of this girl's business.

Quite frankly, if someone digs through my cell for text messages or previous calls, if they check my e-mails, if they listen in on the other line when I'm on my phone, they've broken my trust. I'd find it deeply insulting and nearly impossible to forgive. From the number of posts we see from folks snooping on their partners this sounds like a fairly common problem.

I agree with that. I put it on the list of problems I see with this entire issue. Privacy is very important and it shouldn't be violated. There's no excuse for her snooping around. My only explanation for this could be that this is something that had an element of consistency and after a while of observing the inappropriate behaviour the OP decided enough is enough. It doesn't redeem her in any way, but I suppose given enough hints that something is wrong a great deal of us would probably also result to snooping around in their quest to find if their beliefs are right or wrong.

[Mish]

yep the cousin thinks she is way more important than the gf - she may well be telling the truth - they are family and she saw the arguments and therefore see's the gf's argument as an attack on a family member she values very highly.

There is no evidence in OP's post to suggest that the cousin saw them have arguments. The cousin lives far away from them and I'm really interested to know how she found out if it wasn't through first hand experience.

Also, in their message exchange they tarnish the value of gf. She initiates and he doesn't deny it. The cousin is being inappropriately hintful and suggestive that not only her value is greater than his gf, but that she is being desired more by him which she supports and approves of.

she probably asked if she was still his gf due the fact that she had witnessed the arguments - slagging the situation basically.....i've made this statement plenty of times to my brother. to me it means nothing.

See you assume that the cousin must have witnessed them have arguments, but in OP's post there is no evidence to support that. She said "We always had an argument when I was away from him" which basicly means when they are away from each other they have arguments (perhaps over email or over the phone) it doesn't mean she has arguments with his family or with his family members present. The fact his family may know about this means he had been letting them in onto the private situation in his relationship therefore initiating the privacy breakdown.

[ecojeanne]

maybe i'm wrong but i assumed the cousin was there when he had arguments over the phone with the gf coz she happened to be there to visit him when these arguments occured?

also thats why i believe she would make such a comment about the 'crazy gf' coz she was aware firsthand///i could be wrong on all counts...but i think its an all round bad outlook for the gf with the way she snooped, got annoyed at the slagging, and shared this interpretation with another friend with possible concequences to their reputations

[Mish]

maybe i'm wrong but i assumed the cousin was there when he had arguments over the phone with the gf coz she happened to be there to visit him when these arguments occured?

It's an assumption without evidence in OP's post. We can't justify it in the same way we can't justify that him and the cousin slept together. Therefore this assumption has to be abandoned until proved otherwise.

i think its an all round bad outlook for the gf with the way she snooped, got annoyed at the slagging, and shared this interpretation with another friend with possible concequences to their reputations

I agree ^^^

Though OP's request for advice was on "appropriatness" of the communication exchange between her bf and her cousin not whether her actions were right or wrong. Her actions were wrong I don't deny it, but let's help her decipher the communication as well.

[ecojeanne]

i do think tho, that when a person is annoyed; they can misinterpret a lot to be true when its not. i'm sure she saw red when she saw the slagging. close family do this and share info about things that are happening in their lives. this cousin has been around longer than the gf therefore she would be valued much more than the gf.

deciphering the messages should only be deciphered between the gf and the bf not her friend.

everything i've read does not convince me of anything other than she is nothing but scorned at the insults and feels she should be valued more than the cousin. - the gf may still be at a time when the bf would not know her enough to value and trust her more. and tbh rightly so eh?

[Mish]

everything i've read does not convince me of anything other than she is nothing but scorned at the insults and feels she should be valued more than the cousin. - the gf may still be at a time when the bf would not know her enough to value and trust her more. and tbh rightly so eh?

A lot of the above is speculation based on assumptions, but not facts. Though your assumptions maybe right, I'm just reminding you that they are still only assumptions.

I'm interested in your line by line interprettation of the conversation eco (similar to mine). I want to see how you interprett what was being said line by line because I'm interested in your opinion and have you percieve a conversation such as this. Say it has nothing to do with the OP, say this was between your bf and his cousin. How would you percieve information in each line if you were in the middle of it?

[misombra]

The problem, Mish, is that she snooped. I'll send private messages or share private conversations with one friend that I wouldn't want another to hear. What she did was dishonest. Her actions are rude and inappropriate. Whatever was said between the boyfriend and his cousin was none of this girl's business.

Quite frankly, if someone digs through my cell for text messages or previous calls, if they check my e-mails, if they listen in on the other line when I'm on my phone, they've broken my trust. I'd find it deeply insulting and nearly impossible to forgive. From the number of posts we see from folks snooping on their partners this sounds like a fairly common problem.

eh, sounds nice in theory. try saying that when you're living with somebody.

[ecojeanne]

ok mish here goes

I haven’t yet been able to do multiple quotes, it think it’s my fossil of a laptop …

Basically vashti’s first paragraph I completely agree with

‘His cousin visited them from the states, I was in the other country working when she visited. We always had an argument when I was away from him’

She was away and therefore didn’t firsthand see the dynamic between them. She was away and the cousin was there when they argued – nothing wrong with the cousin asking him ‘whats wrong?’ and him spilling…or the cousin witnessing the argument over the phone and having an opinion however biased it might be (she’s family and they are always biased)

‘The cousin told him "so how was your crazy gf?"

Completely understandable that a family member would make such a comment in jest.

I know I'm all you write in your notebook of yours and not your gf"

Again in jest but also confirming their bond and her importance over a silly gf having an annoying argument with a person she is biased for..also friendly banter (as close family would)

‘"it's funny how I'm thousand miles away from you and I'm still affecting you"

She is re-confirming their closeness – this could be misinterpreted (and this could be an indicator of what she is suggesting..altho she is angry)…however they are family and I know I value my family’s opinions and feelings more than a bf’s..unless I’m about to marry him then I might think differently

‘there's an I love you.. she even called my bf baby****

I don’t know what the last word is, but its obviously a nickname, and sayin’ how they love each other is no biggie between close family

‘hows ur crazy gf "oh I think she's still my gf",

She knows about the arguments and we don’t know how…imo it doesn’t matter how she knows…she’s family and he shared. She was joking…I say this to my brother all the time. And the bf's response is going with the flow of the joke. This makes sense to me. I also think this is the line in which the gf saw red and reacted to quite badly. Her own fault of course for snooping.

[Mish]

Thanks for the comments eco. I appreciate it.

‘His cousin visited them from the states, I was in the other country working when she visited. We always had an argument when I was away from him’

She was away and therefore didn’t firsthand see the dynamic between them. She was away and the cousin was there when they argued – nothing wrong with the cousin asking him ‘whats wrong?’ and him spilling…or the cousin witnessing the argument over the phone and having an opinion however biased it might be (she’s family and they are always biased)

I still think it's an assumption that the cousin overheard or over saw something. OP doesn't confirm that the cousin was present during any argument.

‘The cousin told him "so how was your crazy gf?"

Completely understandable that a family member would make such a comment in jest.

To me there is a hint of malace in this statement. None of my family members (especially cousins) would refer to my gf as crazy regardless if she's there or not because if they did they'd be up for a whooping from me. To me this suggests they have a history of communication where the gf is "the bad guy" and the bf openly proffesses that up to such a point where it becomes acceptable. Why would a bf do that? My answer to this question is he has a low opinion of gf and he has something to gain from it. It's toying around the line of emotional infidelity.

I know I'm all you write in your notebook of yours and not your gf"

Again in jest but also confirming their bond and her importance over a silly gf having an annoying argument with a person she is biased for..also friendly banter (as close family would)

Interesting interpretation. Not saying that yours is wrong. It's just for me I see a hint of the cousin saying she is more desirable than the gf. E.g "I know you are thinking about me and not your gf" - To me this means "I know I'm more desirable than your gf and you want me more than her". Why is it important for a girl that her cousin would write in his notebook only about her and his gf? My answer is jelousy. But why would a girl be jelouse of her cousin's gf?

‘"it's funny how I'm thousand miles away from you and I'm still affecting you"

She is re-confirming their closeness – this could be misinterpreted (and this could be an indicator of what she is suggesting..altho she is angry)…however they are family and I know I value my family’s opinions and feelings more than a bf’s..unless I’m about to marry him then I might think differently

What I don't understand here is why is it important for her to be "affecting" her cousin even though she is a thousand miles away? There is a hint that she wants to and likes to affect him. even from a distance. To me there is a hint of a strange interest. I know for a fact if my cousin wrote something like that to me I would seriously question her intent.

‘hows ur crazy gf "oh I think she's still my gf",

She knows about the arguments and we don’t know how…imo it doesn’t matter how she knows…she’s family and he shared. She was joking…I say this to my brother all the time. And the bf's response is going with the flow of the joke. This makes sense to me.

Once again to me there's a hint of malace from her and disrespect from him. To me this is a not normal cousin to cousin conversation. If my cousin said this about my gf I would come to my gf's defense. She wouldn't even think of addressing this subject like that. Once again this is something that suggests history and acceptance of inappropriate behaviour to me.


Anyway, sorry to take up your time. You made me think about a few things. I suppose your interpretation can easily be just as valid as mine. This is clearly not a case of right or wrong.

[vashti]

I think a lot of less overly-sensitive families WILL talk smack about girlfriends/boyfriends in jest. I have a large family, and we all do it. I refer to my son's girlfriend as "the enemy" and tell him he'll be referring to her as "the bitch that broke your heart" in six months. The only reason I *wouldn't* tease about this sort of thing is if I were actually worried about her for some reason.

And of course, there may well BE malice on the families part. If the family doesn't approve of this girl, i could see them trying to watch out for his best interests.

[lost_soul_21]

I really appreciate all the honest and straight comments... And I apologize wholeheartedly for giving you headaches about my petty problem..


as for the privacy, we both access our emails and other stuff.. we both knew our password... it's normal for us... and we have the same password our anniversary..


as for his cousin, I was able to clear stuff with him and his cousin... he said it was nothing and and it was a joke... his cousin also sent me an email apologizing about calling me crazy, she said it was just a sarcastic comment and she knows that she misjudge me... she said when she visited my bf's family all she can hear is my bf telling them about how depressed he was because we never had a day without an argument, so she said she was wrong not to hear the side of my story.. and she has a boyfriend too.. my bf sister also found out about this and told me that their family has closed ties with each and everyone.. the sister even said that she would even sit on his guy cousin's lap and thats normal for them...

Well I guess I was just cultured shock since I was brought up in a chinese way...

My bf told me that he shouldn't have write those stuff though it was just all jokes... he said he should have seen my culture and we're kinda conservative and not that liberated when it comes to those stuff... I actually feel silly for putting malice on it, this is the first time we had a fight because of another gender for three years of relationship, and to think it was his cousin I got jealous of... he also said that the baby*** (the asterisk stands for their name) was just a joke too, because they havent seen each other for 8 years and they were really closed, and when they were about to leave to go back to the U.S they were joking around like for example: oh don't cry I know you're gonna miss me dont be baby, dont cry baby**** ... he also said that the reason why he said I think she's still my gf was because I broke u with him but doesn't mean he doesnt care.. he also said that he didnt know saying his cousin that I was crazy would put a lot of harm on me, he thought it was just a joke but then he said he should have not let his cousin said that... and about the notebook he finally gave it to me and it was like his diary for me while I was in the other country, he said his cousin waas just joking about it, though now he realizes that it was not a good joke eversince I "admitted" over-reacted about the situation..


but then again I appreciate your honest opinions. I just dont know who to run to, I cant tell this to my friends or family because I dont want them to think differently about him... I shed sweat, tears and blood for them to like him and I dont want to ruin everything because of my crazy thoughts.. I guess I was just not used to it, I am close to my guy cousins as well but we're just different.. maybe I need to learn to loosen up and be liberated in some ways... I'm really thankful for healping me clear things out and Lets just drop the subject. =)

[vashti]

I'm glad it worked out, lostsoul. It's good to remember not to take everything so seriously. What one attributes to malice can usually be better explained by stupidity or ignorance.