My Boyfriend is having an affair with his Cousin?!

[lost_soul_21]

I have a situation to give and hope you could give me your honest opinion.


I have a strong feeling that my boyfriend is infatuated with his cousin and vice versa. His cousin visited them from the states, I was in the other country working when she visited. We always had an argument when I was away from him. One day I opened his myspace and read his message to his cousin, by the way the cousin went back to the states when they started exchanging mails. The cousin told him "so how was your crazy gf?" she also said something I know I'm all you write in your notebook of yours and not your gf", she also said something like "it's funny how I'm thousand miles away from you and I'm still affecting you", then at the end of each email she sent there's an I love you.. she even called my bf baby****


My bf replied to her email about the hows ur crazy gf "oh I think she's still my gf", he would also call her baby*****


now as for my thought, no cousin in their right mind would joke something about that, if that was a joke right? for me it looks like they were flirting to each other. and why would he say "I think" she's still my gf? I think? it was like saying oh I don't give a damn if she's still my gf or not (bec we fought that time which is not rare for us). and it's gross and weird for a cousin to say "I know I'm all you write in your notebook of yours and not your gf" , it's like you can say to your cousin that's gross of you to say and the fact that we are related by blood, I just find it weird and gross at the same time.


I asked on of my guy friend about this, and he said he thinks my bf is infatuated with his cuz, which the cuz-to-cuz relationship is not unusual nowadays, though it is wrong and gross at the same time bec they're cuz in first generation.


I just want an honest opinion from others, hope you could help me.


Thanks

[lost_soul_21]

I'd really appreciate any comment

[vashti]

I don't think you have enough to base your insecurity and jealousy on. Some cousins are more closely connected than others. I know people whose relationships with their cousins are more like siblings. Saying "I love you" is not unusual for relatives that love each other, and the notebook bit sounds like playful banter. I don't know what "baby*****" means, so I can't tell what you are so upset about.

I would worry about his peeps thinking you are crazy, though. Don't add to that impression by commenting on this. You need something a lot more substantial.

BTW - so what if they have a crush? She lives in another country. I seriously doubt he'll be leaving you for his foreign cousin. He might leave you if he thinks you are crazy, though, so the fact that you fight a lot and find it necessary to snoop through his private things is worrisome.

BTW - it's Thanksgiving, so you may not get as many responses as you'd like today.

[misombra]

this is definitely a try out for jerry springer right here.

[lost_soul_21]

I know that it is crazy fo me to think about what's going on .. I am close to my guy cousin as well, but we never joked about such stuff.. I mean no matter where you look at it, it's wrong right? and so what if they have a crush? the thought of it wanted me to puke.. it's like liking your bro and sis.. to think his mom and her mom are sisters.

[ecojeanne]

i think you're over-reacting quite a bit. cousins can be very close. it just so happens she's a girl. and ye it's not that acceptable in society to be crushing on a 1st cousin, but its certainly not genetically or legally wrong. anyway as vash said= she's in another country. you're definitely coming across paranoid and quite bitchy due to the fact that you are discussing his private details and his private conversations with another friend of yours. tbh i would love to be able to tell your bf about this....coz you are one crazy bitchy lady that could be responsible for spreading hurtful and untrue details about your bf.

i hope one day that he finds out what kind of person you are sooner rather than later.

i know that was harsh, i'm sorry, but what you did and are doing is very wrong.

[Petit Papillon]

this is definitely a try out for jerry springer right here.

JERRY!JERRY!

[Mish]

My bf replied to her email about the hows ur crazy gf "oh I think she's still my gf", he would also call her baby*****

I think it's definetly inappropriate and rude. I wouldn't put up with it. You should call him out on it and have a talk, let him know that you are not happy with this.

He will either change his behaviour or you two will break up. I would rather break up than be with someone with a questionable relationship with a cousin. It's disgusting.

[Lipp]

I know I'm all you write in your notebook of yours and not your gf

This is the only thing that would support that they would be into eachother. Ending a letter with "I love you" and "Baby****"(are the * part of the profanity filter or actually meant to be there?) doesn't really cut it.

How nice to see that you respect his privacy. You do realize that if you tell him how you found out its probable that he will end things then and there, right?

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy? How is she overreacting? You're telling me it's normal that people flirt like that with their cousins? What bugs me the most is how he accepts his "cousin" calling her crazy. If he cared for her that much he wouldnt accept it. He doesnt have to make a big deal of it, but he could simply say "I'd prefer you dont talk about her in that way whilst talking to me." Also, maybe you guys need to look more deeply into that notebook thing. What is written on this notebook? Do you really think it's a simple little thing that she's trying to put herself in the spot that his girlfriend is supposed to be in? And also, the statement about affecting him even thousands of miles away is another hint to me. I mean come on, those are the statements that got me, and if you guys disagree so be it. I've never heard of cousins who acted that way and was just being cousins without flirting. NEVER.

Then you get on her case for going in his privacy like you all have never done it in your life at all. Yes, its wrong, but it happens. I'm not for it, but I've done it before. So getting on her case for going in someone's privacy would be hypocritical of me and whoever else has done it which I would believe all of you have.

OP, first off you need to be upfront with him about invading his privacy and apologize for that. Secondly, you guys need to discuss what you've seen and get it all out on the table. Honestly, I already see the relationship doomed if you guys are constantly bickering, but if you want to try, you guys need to have a heart to heart talk and be completely upfront about your problems. If you guys cant work it out, then I believe it's time to call it quits.

You guys can bash my post if you want, but this is my opinion and I am keeping it real from my point of view.

[ecojeanne]

a c'mon ladie, i talked shit about my ex to my family too. doesn't mean i always meant it and its family! they know the score! people are allowed to bash their partners every now and then but only to their families that they have known their entire lives coz family knows when its exaggerated or not.

also the cousin thing is not obvious, i don't know what the *** represent....but they are abviously close. it's not up to his gf to decide whether it's fcked up or not coz she doesn't know the dynamics at all. she a para wreck and is instead chatting to someone else instead of her bf....AND she snooped.....she's on the crazy side and if this gets around about him and the cousin it could be detrimental for the families reputation etc etc....I personally don't believe it's true which makes this worse and they way she found out

and if it is true then she should not be discussing it with a friend outside of this situation

and yes it's abnormal (if true) but so fcking what...people are weird....

he's not cheating

he cares about his female cousin
he chats and slags his gf off to her...so what! the cousin will know what to take seriously

can you not see how this can be a very bad and untrue rumour that can ruin this guys reputation


it's disgusting on her part IMO

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Eco, I understand. But their reputations cant be destroyed if they're kept anonymous. How do we know the friend doesnt already hang around them? I wasnt talking about the baby**** thing cuz that I can see as a nickname within the family. But I still think the line should be drawn with the name calling, no matter how close they were. You're telling me it should be acceptable that he's allowing his cousin to call her crazy and then on top of it he's saying he THINKS they're still together? I find this to be very very odd.

[Mish]

can you not see how this can be a very bad and untrue rumour that can ruin this guys reputation

It could be, but so far the evidence points in another direction. The evidence she has shows two cousins acting very inappropriately, just bordeline of wrong. They are doing and saying things cousins or even friends shouldn't be doing and saying to each other and he is being disrespectful to her on a number of occasions.

The way I see it, he is to be blamed for his inappropriate behaviour first, his cousin second and OP third for invasion of privacy. In that particular order. None of them are justified in their actions, but some are not justified more than others.

[ecojeanne]

You're telling me it should be acceptable that he's allowing his cousin to call her crazy and then on top of it he's saying he THINKS they're still together? I find this to be very very odd.

yes imo its perfectly fine, she's family and was present during some of the fights aparently, so ye, they're havin' a laugh at her expense...thats what families do...whether you want to believe it or not

me and dad take the piss outta my brother and his gf all the time behind their backs....it's not necessarily right or justified....and tbh i really like her and accept her as family now, but we've had some fun slagging them at times....doesn't mean i don't care about them. and i'm sure they have slagged me. and i'm sure no-one here can say they haven't had a laugh at someone outside their immediate family....it might be inappropriate....but it's not meant in all seriousness

[Mish]

Okay, perhaps there is a disagreement between members due to different interprettations of what's been posted by OP. How about we do this. We go through those lines in question one by one and each post our interprettation and their intended meaning and then compare them side by side. Here is my take on this:

The cousin told him "so how was your crazy gf?"

My Interpretation:

"So how is your worthless girlfriend? I want to tarnish her value. because we have an understanding that her value is not very high due to our experience. This may not be relevant, but me saying this automatically raises my value over hers."

she also said something I know I'm all you write in your notebook of yours and not your gf",

My Interpretation:

"I know that you know my value is higher than your girlfriend's because in the past you gave me reasons to believe that you write only about me in your notebook and not about her."

she also said something like "it's funny how I'm thousand miles away from you and I'm still affecting you",

My Interpretation:

"My influence and value has a great affect on you even though I'm very far away from you. This automatically implies that my influence on you would be a lot higher if I was closer"

then at the end of each email she sent there's an I love you.. she even called my bf baby****

My Interpretation

"I love you" is a harmless word when said between relatives, but it can be inappropriate to use in conjunction with other events. When the question comes to values and which person has a greater value, an "I love you" in the end can be a parasitic term. An example to this is Indignant's married friend who would call her to talk about "friend stuff" and put an "I love you" at the end. It can be highly inappropriate given a set of events preceding it.

My bf replied to her email about the hows ur crazy gf "oh I think she's still my gf", he would also call her baby*****

My Interpretation:

"Her value is so low that honestly I would rather she wasn't my girlfriend, but last time I checked I think she was. Though that may change in the future."



I would really like to see other people's interpretations of these events. Perhaps I was inaccruate. After all I'm not perfect.