I am a coward and I hate myself

[IndiReloaded]

I'll be honest with you both: my therapist has said in the past I'm (too) hard on myself.

Fear of loss is my most glaring problem. If I'm to face a situation in which I believe there's a high chance I'll be ridicularised, I run away from it. That's what happened at the club: I thought people wouldn't like me and I would feel pathetic all alone, therefore I wouldn't even waste my time going in (plus I was lazy and didn't want to park my car ). The girl I like has told me once I was "proud of myself", because I had a tendency not to "bow down to others". I acknowledged that and even told her she was a good observer, because it's indeed true. But, in my case, it's pathological, because I want never to lose and a loss really puts me down to the point of not even trying if I see I have no chance of success.

Well, I dunno what SB will say, but sounds to me like you expect an awful lot from yourself. I wouldn't say its so much fear as the fact that you have a whole bunch of expectations about things and you set them so high that, somehow, you know you are being unreasonable. This causes you to get paralyzed (fear) b/c you decide in advance you won't achieve what you expect.

That old "give up before you even try" condundrum.

I used to have a similar issue when I was younger (hell, I think *everyone* does to some extent). I think its common to ppl who have very vigorous intellect & tend to 'outthink' all their scenarios. So, for me, I used to imagine the absolute worse case scenario. Then I'd decide what the likely outcome might be should disaster actually come to pass. Then I'd imagine actually experiencing it, deciding it wasn't that bad, deciding that it wasn't all that likely, and then I could act.

So, let's extend this method to your club outing: let's imagine you go, all by yourself. Lets imagine you go in, get a drink, look around and feel totally, extremely uncomfortable. Then imagine the DJ notices this, stops the music in the club, tells everyone in the club over the microphone to look RIGHT AT YOU and point out the loser standing all by himself in the club. Your lady of interest looks at you, points, and starts laughing. This causes everyone else to laugh. The entire club is laughing AT YOU. You are mortified and you leave to go home.

Well. How does that make you feel? Is your life truly over at that point?

Now start to think about how likely this worse case is to actually happen. How do you feel now? Not so bad, I hope?

After a while, Arrow, and a few experience like this, you start to realize just how much of what you *think* might happen is just a figment of your imagination & active intellect. Then the good stuff starts happening: you start to not give a shit. You realize that other ppl are dealing with issues of their own & that, when things go bad (and they do), that they are doing it for their own reasons that 90% of the time have nothing to do with you.

This is the start of wisdom, Arrow. And freedom to actually enjoy the time on this earth you've been given. You only get one kick at the can, kiddo, so don't spend it worrying about 'what if'. Go out and grab it & don't worry about what other ppl think. They've got their own issues on this, believe it.

*kiss*

[starbuck]

+1. I also think if you try and embrace your mistakes (because you know you're going to make them, everyone does even if they think they don't), then you'll enjoy yourself more. They really aren't mistakes if you learn something from them.

I used to be very perfectionistic when I was younger. As an exercise once, a therapist told me to pretend not to be one for a week. I did and during that week, I feel so much better, I decided to actively adopt the mindset. It still takes some mental reminding every now and then, but overall, I'm much less self-flagellating

[snoz]

I think ecojeanne covered it pretty well. I have a very practical experience to go along with the self discovery too.

I was my own worst critic and perhaps you could say I still am but I've learnt to love myself and be a little bit more selfish and believe that I am worth a damn. To say what exact went on is actually quite a tragic story but that part I couldn't help. Once I started learning to fend for myself it started to be quite cool

Now the practical experience was when I started college and did Design, part of the module was doing a live performance infront of thousands of people haha. I thought well cool I'll have my classmates there no worries. EEEP why did I just get into a role where I'm left on the stage by myself EEEEP I'll look like such a fool! But then I realised phew the costume I have on had a helmet of some sort to cover my face up but on the night... guess what? the helmet went missing lol.

Even til this day I'm still embarrassed but it unlocked a side of me that wanted the attention that you seek so badly. Obviously it doesn't have to be extreme as my circumstance but the fact is I took that leap of faith and forgot about all my insecurities for those few seconds and it really does feel good.

Needless to say out of those few thousand people few of them told the art director I was amazing and I pissed myself laughing because I was so convinced this was the end of the world for me.

So you know, I've lightened up quite a bit performances may not be your cup of tea or going to a night club but challenge yourself to accomplish something you never would've thought about under normal circumstances and start small.

Think about what you enjoy the most and why when you are enjoying yourself you seem to forget everything around you. e.g. playing your favourite arcade game and have heaps of people watching you play or something like that and work from there.

Just remember being harsh on yourself can be a good thing but most of all love yourself one step at a time.

[DjChris Chip]

hey Arrow, The whole club scene is not what it is cracked up to be.

Let me explain, It is my job I am a professional club dj, it is what I do for a living every thursday through Saturday i see probably at least 1800 new hot shots and party goers. A couple of times after a recent break up I have gone out not to meet girls, not to flirt but simply because Hey I was off that night, my friends were doing their own thing and well being home alone sucks. And let me tell you even though I was absolutely comp'ed in the club and knew alot of "aquaintances" there well it was an awfully intimidating thing to be a one man show in the midst of 600 people.

Yah sure I talked to some of the bouncers, bartenders, etc. but well I just went to go.

Basically what I am saying is stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

If a club is too hard for you just yet well so be it. Try just to go to a mall, shopping center, school cafeteria, etc. Me and my ex-fiance met well in school in the cafeteria by utter accident. (it was a fairy tale story). Stop putting pressure on meeting people and put pressure on learning about you, your likes, dislikes, hobbies. Learn about yourself. I am telling you trust me it is super important.

Listen if you learn about yourself maybe you can find friends who share your true interests. basically don't change to make friends and like do things that you don't like just if you like something like i like some corny, and girly things, (girly TV shows One tree hill, the O.c.) and some pretty mainstream things (football), but i really don't hide it and well my friends make fun of me for the girly things in good fun and appreciate me for the stuff we have in common, music, football, cars whatever.

I digress just worry about learning about you if you are having these problems that were described in here you should get them settled before entering a relationship.

[DjChris Chip]

basically just so you know i agree to meet girls in clubs is hard because they have their shields up. i see a million guys a day get turned down by ugly chicks for that matter. So basically don't go to get girls go to meet cool new people that if u go to the same club like 5 or 6 weeks in a row well then they become club aquaintances and then friends that you go bar hopping with NOTHING MORE. don't catch feelings for any of them they will serve a greater purpose which will be to boost you self confidence. I am serious just take it really easy and become friends with alot of people even say 3 or 4 bar hopping friends, over time your group will grow and you will develop a "club life" and have stuff to do and well maybe then you won't even want a girlfriend for a while, you will just want to enjoy life without the proverbial ball and chain.

[Arrow]

I NEARLY made it.

One Saturday I decided it was a waste to keep playing games on the PC until 3am so I gave it a shot. Some minutes later I found out I had run out of money (besides my credit card's limit being broken) and, since I'm a rather self-indulgent person whenever I go out, I decided I needed some. I had to go through an ordeal just to find a place to draw some money and it turned out I couldn't because I had reached some limit. I nearly destroyed the machine but since this would get me in jail I came back home utterly frustrated because I dressed up so nicely and thought that would be THE night.

Well, at least ONCE I had the will to do it. Which means I'm not hopeless.

[Junket]

I NEARLY made it.

One Saturday I decided it was a waste to keep playing games on the PC until 3am so I gave it a shot. Some minutes later I found out I had run out of money (besides my credit card's limit being broken) and, since I'm a rather self-indulgent person whenever I go out, I decided I needed some. I had to go through an ordeal just to find a place to draw some money and it turned out I couldn't because I had reached some limit. I nearly destroyed the machine but since this would get me in jail I came back home utterly frustrated because I dressed up so nicely and thought that would be THE night.

Well, at least ONCE I had the will to do it. Which means I'm not hopeless.

So you're responsible for this economic crisis?

[Jade Altair]

Overcome fear and defeat the coward side of you.

[Arrow]

So you're responsible for this economic crisis?

Not entirely responsible but I definitely played a part.

[boobaa]

Where are you from, Arrow?

[Arrow]

Where are you from, Arrow?

I'll answer in PM.

[georgehutton]

I'm not sure what the therapist was getting at by giving you such a huge goal to go after. I'd tone it down a bit and maybe ask ONE girl per day for a couple weeks for their phone number. The first few might be scary, but once you get the momentum going it will get easier and easier. And just call the ones that give you their number without seeming too put off by it. (you just have to take notes and remember which ones those are!)

Also, JOIN some clubs, stuff your interested in so you'll have some stuff to talk about.

When you improve any aspect of yourself, be it skills or abilities, you just push the envelope a little bit each time.

And I agree with all the other posters that said "STAY OUTTA CLUBS"

[Indignant]

Don't go to a club alone. Your therapist is giving you poor advice, club is a bad place to meet women believe it or not. They walk in there with a brick wall up already, if anything it is a bigger challenge to pick a women up at a club than an isle in Walmart. In a club they expect you to hit on them, so you start at negative points.

what!?! i always make friends at a club!

[Lipp]

I've never gone to a clubbing alone, and yeah it would feel a bit strange since the more people you go with the more fun it usually is.

But if I would the first thing I would do would be to go to the bar, get a drink and people-watch from a balcony railing until getting more into the mood (or more drunk...I never get drunk though, bloody annoying) and seeing if anything happens, and go from there.

Dancing alone would require quite a bit of confidence first-

[Cbrider]

Clubs are always loud and a visual overload...I have never been one for them. One top of that you deal with guys like this a lot.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M"]YouTube - My New Haircut[/ame]

In addition I dance like a sheet of plywood...........until I'm drunk