I am a coward and I hate myself

[Arrow]

The plan with my therapist was to make me go to a club, see people, flirt with girls. Since I have no friends to go with me I was going alone. But I'm afraid of going to these places alone. I feel like I'm incapable of being attractive and simply don't know what to do when I'm alone. I was afraid that no girl would look at me and I would just stand there and do nothing, not dance, not sing, not wave, not anything.

I was in front of the club and I, quite bluntly, didn't have the balls to go in. Now I'm ashamed and crying and don't know what I'm going to say to my therapist.

This was also part of getting me acquainted with clubs and flirting since the girl I love likes to hang out a lot and well, pretty much everyone around me does. I've been isolated and told everyone else were bad people during most of my life and therefore never had the will to do this kind of stuff. But things have changed. I no longer feel satisfied with playing games on my computer. I know I won't be able to win my love interest if I don't make myself interesting. And I know how I enjoy being flattered by women and having sex with them.

Please don't answer this by telling me not to care, because currently I'm not the person I want to be. I enjoy socialising with people, not this stupid nerd I've become. I'm handsome, intelligent, caring. I should be among other people.

More than anything I need friends to accompany me at first.

[Junket]

Well, if you lived in New Orleans I'd go with ya.

[Charlie Boy II]

I go to clubs all the time and I'd say I'm fairly confident socially but I'd never go out alone. I'd just feel like a creep.

If I was you I'd look at making friends through other avenues and then go clubbing with them. You're missing a step there.

[Zatguy]

Little boy sees a girl whom he loves
Little boy writes a letter to girl
Little boy waits to send the letter to girl
Little boy wakes up to a new day
Little boy sits beside little girl, love note in pocket
Little boy doesn't give it to girl
Little boy doesn't see the girl ever again
Little boy wakes up to a new day
Little boy throws away note losing all hope
Little boy bottles up his feelings for girl
Little boy sees girl
Little boy wishes he had his letter
Little boy makes new letter
Little boy wakes up to a new day...
This story can not end because there is no way to end a story like this. The boy will soon turn to a young teen then a adult, continuing his story how he can never get who he loves because he never stepped up to the plate.
Moral: History only changes when a living object steps up to make a differnce

[Arrow]

I go to clubs all the time and I'd say I'm fairly confident socially but I'd never go out alone. I'd just feel like a creep.

If I was you I'd look at making friends through other avenues and then go clubbing with them. You're missing a step there.

Probably.

Actually the club I was going to is one of the largest in my city, over 500 people inside when crowded. That's a lot. But still, I think I should've gone there. I felt I was hit in my manhood when I turned around and came back home.

There was also the chance of meeting the girl I like and showing her what I'm like when I'm away from college. I also have the feel that I need to be more active socially if I want to have a girlfriend (my biggest desire). But I have this underdog syndrome and imagine people won't like me, which doesn't make much sense because I've got looks and I can talk to a girl without embarrassing myself. My last sex partner said wonders about me. But I still need that extra push... The friends.

In fact I talked to some guys at college and we scheduled something for next week, we are going to a concert and we are planning to go together. I feel a little bad sometimes because I'm still single (and my crush isn't helping either with her "just friends" talk, though she shows signs of liking me) and many of them have their girlfriends but in an all-guys evening we act as if we were all single. Hopefully I'll get some phone numbers and we'll start hanging out together.

I'm also a little hurt because I didn't want to betray my therapist's confidence in me. We have been making so many advancements that not going to the club today felt like a major setback. The treatment is working fine for the most part but not having many friends really hampers my weekends as there's not much to do when you're alone and I'm left with the two demons at home.

[Charlie Boy II]

if you ran into this girl at a club one of her first questions is undoubtedly going to be "who are you here with?"

What are you going to say then?
"Actually I'm here by myself. It's a challenge my therapist set me."

[shh!]

I think it is very odd that your therapist suggested you do this. I agree with charlie - it's CREEPY when guys go clubbing alone. Hed should have dared you to do something more appropriate for a single guy to do... maybe take a dance lesson, or joing a book club, or sign up for a art or film class...

Do you often find your therapist giving such questionable advice?

[starbuck]

Arrow, I see what your therapist is getting at. He/she is trying to desensitize you to talking to strangers. But I agree with you that you might need some guy friends to go to the bars/clubs with. Instead of an "exercise", going out with people should be fun for you. A way to let off steam and possibly meet some girls. I'm not saying your doctor is wrong, but I totally understand why you wouldn't want to go to the club alone (I wouldn't either)

It's good that you're starting to meet other guy friends to go out with. Maybe you could up the ante by joining a social or sporting group within your school? That way you can meet more single guys who I'm sure are in your shoes and need people to go out with.

My social life has gotten ten times better since my single girlfriend has come back to NYC. All my other girlfriends are married/partnered up, and so are hers. We are each other's wing-girl, and it makes going out so much more fun.

[IndiReloaded]

Your therapist won't be disappointed in you. They will be happy you made it to the door. That's progress! You are looking at things the wrong way, Arrow.

Next time, you might go in. Even if just for 5 minutes. In fact, since this causes so much anxiety, I would suggest you allow yourself to do just that: go, but just for a short time.

I agree w/suggestions to go w/a trusted friend who understands your anxiety. And mbe a smaller venue? 500+ ppl sounds like a lot for a first go.

Be kind to yourself. Do things in baby steps, eventually you will get there so long as you don't give up.

Its cliche, but its also true: try, and try again.

Good first try, Arrow. Looking forward to hearing about your next try.

[Charlie Boy II]

I really don't think you should not go to a club by yourself. Clubs can be a brutal social environment and if you are as shy as you say you are I can't see you leaving feeling anything but more alientated than when you went in. You just need at least one friend to go with and you'll be fine.

Personally I think having no friends is a more pressing problem than not having a girlfriend. Girls come and go. And you're right in that if you expand your social circle there is exponentially more chance you'll meet a girl that way. That's how most people meet their partners, I've seen very few long-last relationships come from nightclub encounters.

[boobaa]

If i would live anywhere near you, I'd go to a club with you.

Having no-one to go with can be a real problem. I have been in this situation. Its especially hard because clubs tend to be competitive enviornment, everybody is competing with each other. I suggest starting smaller. Do you know any usual parties to go? usually its kind of easier at the parties. Just go there, sit in some place comfortable and drink. I've been like that. Little by little you get used to the enviornment. If there are no parties, pick a bar, but it is important that you feel comfortable, not too pressured.

But it is actually easier when you have interracted a lot before party, made warm-up. Btw, do you have any social drinking places there in USA where all kinds of interesting random people get to gether gather in a circle and drink, like in a park? When you see something like that and people don't seem to be some agressive types, go and ask if you can join them, it helps if you bring some booze too hehe.

[ecojeanne]

[url]http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Friends[/url]

dunno if this will help you, has good suggestions

like indi said don't feel bad about not going in, take it in your own time

[Arrow]

Well people, all I can say is I'm very thankful for your comments!

It's not the first time I go to a club (I've been to places a couple of times), but it was indeed the first time I was going alone and the place is a hot place in my town. I'm afraid the factors just didn't combine themselves to allow me in... It was raining, I'd have to put my car in a parking lot as it's always very crowded, there were security right by the door (kinda makes you unwelcome)... Besides me being afraid (I admit it as lying to you and myself doesn't work), it felt like too much work just to get in there and acclimate myself. I also took the wrong approach... I went to the cinema and left there at like 11:30 PM, and by the time I finally found the place it was close to 12:15 AM. One hour earlier and I'd probably still have seen rows of people getting in and I'd feel tempted to go.

I'm not judging my therapist for the advice, in fact I like that she's not a conservative person, as I come from a very conservative upbringing. I've always been the black sheep, but the way my family made me behave has smothered me and has made me the prime target for psychological bullying at school. All this stuff made me suspicious of people (suspicion which was increased by my family, mind you) and I'm finally breaking away from this influence, viewing people as potentially good acquaintances/friends/whatever instead of threats.

I'm finally getting to grips that friends are the way to go. I thought people wouldn't comment on me and just ignore me, but one day I mentioned going with the people to a concert and the next day one guy was already asking me if I'd go and telling me it'd be best for the guys to go together. I've always thought that if I wasn't socially active the girls wouldn't view me as a potential love but rather as extra weight.

And obviously there's the small problem that I'm in love with a girl and I feel extremely jealous when I hear she's going to hang out with her friends (potentially kissing other guys in the process...) and I can't do the same because I haven't anyone to go out with... Even though I don't refrain myself from flirting with other girls.

[Only-virgins]

Don't go to a club alone. Your therapist is giving you poor advice, club is a bad place to meet women believe it or not. They walk in there with a brick wall up already, if anything it is a bigger challenge to pick a women up at a club than an isle in Walmart. In a club they expect you to hit on them, so you start at negative points.

[shh!]

I never thought I'd say it, but I agree with OV.