Is it really an issue of the Age and Long Distance?

[fauxolivia]

Or is it because he's emotionally unavailable?

It's long and complicated, but please, PLEASE, help a soul--I need some insight! There are several questions at the end that I would appreciate if you could answer them!


Almost a year ago, I had the most romantic encounter with a man, and then ensued 2 months of glorious infatuation. At this time, he was residing in Thailand (he changes locations every now and then) and he came back to the US to visit his parents for a few weeks. We had met then, and had our first date then. Of course, time goes on, and things can't always remain the same, and he had to go back. But after that, even if we were mainly contacting each other through webcam, and emails, it was a most romantic affair--the kind where absense made the heart most fond; the kind you'd only see in books; or times of war. (I'm a terrible Romantic, can't you tell?)

I'm 19, and for the last 11 months of my life, I've been dating a 25 yo man who was in many ways Emotionally Unavailable, and/or a Commitment Phobe (you've heard of them, yes?). For the first 6 months of our turbulent relationship (I say relationship, you say "what?"), he seemed incapable of commiting whole-heartedly. What went from a turbulent affair of the heart (seemingly), became something else that fell horribly short.

See, he came back to the US a few months after we had met, but things became rocky. Our life didn't seem compatible, and we were both unhappy. It translated to horrible communication, leading to horrible encounters, and then escalating to mere nothingness. I might-ve seen him once or twice a month, or talked to him once or twice a month--at one point I hadn't talked or seen him for 2 months. Of course, then I knew we were nothing.

During that time I hadn't exactly had the luxury to examine the relationship in depth-- if you don't have him, what's there to speculate about? So when he reemerged back into my life, and we started dating again, I didn't understand how much patience I would need in the next few months of our relationship.

We started dating, again. Starting really slow.

So slow, he didn't want anyone to know we were dating. So slow, that I've never met his friends. So slow, that I've never encountered _anyone_ from his side of the relationship.

But he became better. Slowly--but surely--we got stronger. We had started talking every day, he would exhibit signs of fidelity, talk to other people about me, and I had talked to a friend of his over the phone. He still hasn't uttered those three immortal words, either. (I. Love. You.) Is eager to meet and get to know my parents, and my friends--but refuses to reciprocate. He talks about future plans for the both of us, have talked about kids names, our house, and what's in it--but he refuses to be my date to a wedding.

However, if you've been keeping tabs of the little elements of this relationship--
there are two factors that complicates our relationship even more.


[INDENT]1) I'm 19 (a TEEN), he's 25. And there's the stigma of being a pedophile that he keeps on getting. And I understand that I am admittedly too young for someone who's looking (I quote) "to settle down" with.

2) If you know your ages, you'll remember that when you were 19, you were in college. I'm no different here. I'm now living in a completely different city due to school. (I was in college when I had met him, but I had transferred to a different school.) And he? Well, guess what? He's always gone, "away, travelling."

So there's an age gap, made big because of where we are in life--I'm in college, and he's working. THEN, there's the Long Distance; which will be Long Distance for possibly 3 more years.

Why then am I in a relationship with him, you ask?

I had left out a very, very important factor on why we go through all this bulls**t. We have everything in common. From music tastes, personality, style, interests, hobbies, religion, family, future goals, and past. No, not just "in common"--everything is the very same. From specific things--like a desire to own land in Latin America one day, to our love of the ocean and scuba diving. Do we know anyone else like that?

No.

Our chemistry is also remarkably strong--unsurprising since we are both great examples of our sexes (*wink*). So if anything, had we had absolutely nothing in common, we'd still be attracted to each other, and gone into one of those long term relationships that is doomed to fail--but still in a relationship nonetheless. As they are... since everything is n'sync, life is unbearable without the other person. We've been talking everyday for the past 5 months, and wedrive out to where the other person lives to see each other for extended amount of time (read a weekend, to a whole week) around 2 twice a month.

So, my questions are: Are his actions influenced because he is the way he is--or has he been doing that because of the external factors of age and the uncertainty that years of long distance will bring? And why does he distance himself sometimes?

Another heartstring topic: I know he loves me, so why doesn't he say it? He's only capable of saying "I care for you deeply."

Lastly, is what we have worth it? Or do I abandon ship?

I have to admit, I've lost sleep, tears, and many moments that could have been spent in happier places.

Please help me see reason.

[Indignant]

I think I just lost my eyesight reading this!!! Please help!!!

[fauxolivia]

I'm sorry.

[IndiReloaded]

Abandon ship.

(seriously)