Trying to Stay Grounded...
I have been in a few relationships, had many friends, and been close to a few family members... but not once could I ever completely let my guard down -- truly relax.
When I'm around him, the conversations come easily and his mannerism and natural inclinations seem to work well with my own. If I'm frustrated he'll leave me alone for a little while and before I start searching for him because the frustration has finally subsided... he's already there wanting to hug me because he just couldn't wait any longer. If I stray too long on sad thoughts he'll talk about happier times. He seems to know when to take me seriously and when to make light of the situation... he reads me so well... I don't have to explain myself.
He's somehow that impossible blend of sensitivity and strength... he can be kind and understanding; firm, insightful, and assertive; and playful, erotic, and even feral at times. When he holds me... all the rest of the world doesn't matter. I no longer focus on the sounds within the room, the distractions outside, and the traffic in the distance. All I can hear is the beating of his heart... and for a little while, I feel safe.
On occasion, when his work and other circumstances take their toll on him... he tells of his frustrations, asks for advice or possible solutions. I am given an opportunity to view these things objectively for him, give advice, and feel useful and helpful. In other things, we both have a chance to express our creativity... to explore each other's intellect in trivial conversations too deep for any mere acquaintence... thus feeling satisfied in a way I've never known.
I don't feel like I'm with just another friend. There's a sense of freedom unknown to me. He is dependable and trustworthy... will do everything in his power to keep from breaking promises. I don't have to worry when I'm around him. He gives affection so freely... I feel safe and somehow more self-assured when I'm around him.
We were finally 'intimate' and I enjoyed it immensely. It's hard to explain... but I felt included... and he didn't have to neglect himself to do so. I didn't feel any mild disappointment or awkwardness... or even the residual shame (which I had never seemed to be able to rid myself of). I sensed no malice in him and for once... I just let myself go... a kind of peaceful surrender I guess. This delighted him, and in turn delighted me. I have never felt this close to anyone.
I realize I am undoubtedly caught up in the emotion of the situation. Reading over all of this I have written... and reading 'between the lines' more or less... would it appear I am deluding myself (as I have seen in many other posts) or am I in the right frame of mind about this and have something real? I do not feel overly concerned... but I have always felt a need to somehow keep myself grounded in reality.
"The weakest soul, knowing its own weakness, and believing this truth that strength can only be developed by effort and practice, will, thus believing, at once begin to exert itself, and, adding effort to effort, patience to patience, and strength to strength, will never cease to develop, and will at last grow divinely strong."
- James Allen