OK my name is Daniel, I am 20 years old...My girlfriend and I of a year just broke up, her name is Paige. We broke up cause I treated her pretty bad. Once we broke up I realized how much I really loved her and wanted her back. I posted all this info in another forum, but didn't get many responses. I am going to copy/paste the info here with dates. If you choose to read everything and then can offer any advice id appreciate it.
Dec 20th
OK I am 20 years old and was dating my former girlfriend Paige for 1 year Dec 07-Dec 08, she is 23 years old. She was good friends with my cousin Adam who is one of my best friends. We met through him and really hit it off.
Over the course of the year we had fallen in love with one other and everything she would do almost anything for me. The first month we were together her brother died and it really connected us and she would say things like I'm whats kept her sane through the ordeal. I could tell she really loved me and she would do anything for me. I guess I took advantage of this, I became a real asshole to her over the course of the year, but she was still there and still loved me. I loved her too, which is why I don't know why I acted as I have. All my life I have been the nice guy or the good boyfriend who gets ****ed over or something to that extent, but with her I was the one who treated her terrible. I hate to say all the things I did, I never cheated on her...but I was rude, I would make fun of her on all accounts(weight, ideas, everything), shoot her opinion down and just acted like a complete "male chauvinist", and then I would be incredibly sweet and kind and caring.
I realize now that she gave me many chances to change and I was to ignorant or dense to see it. She never sat me down and said you need to treat me better or its over, but I know that justifies nothing. So about 3 weeks ago she called me on the phone and broke up with me. Everyone around me thought I would be fine because on multiple occasions I had expressed interest in possibly seeing other people, I think I was afraid to commit to her for the rest of my life...you arent suppose to find the love of your life at 20 right? That might be why I treated her like crap.
However that is not the case, I guess the saying is true that you don't realize what you have until it's gone. It was like a moment of pure clarity I guess as to how I really felt about her, and I have become very irrational and overemotional. I am a good person...I am, I just messed up. I don't deserve another opportunity, but I want one. I can be better and treat her better. I just need the chance, I have tried talking with her. Telling her how I feel and that I love her, learned to play a love song on the guitar(friends have talked me out of doing this), wrote her a 7 page letter on how I can be better and how we can be happy again(told her I had it, she said she didn't want it),I even did something really stupid and desperate and tried purposing to her...I know, very stupid but I was hoping that it may work.
She says that she no longer loves me and that she can never feel that way about me again. This is the girl who use to write me notes about how much she loved to lie in my arms, and that when we would skip work all she wanted to do is lie in bed with me and be held by me. She said that even when we just sat at my house and played games or watched tv or were bored that she didn't want to spend her time any other way.
So I have given her space over the past week and a half. I figured it was a lost cause and I had given up. Apparently one of my "friends" called her and told her some dirt on me which wasnt true, and the same friend told me some dirt on her. Like how she had been talking to one of her ex's and was wanting to get back with him, and how she was laughing at me behind my back trying to get back with her and some other things that were just really cruel. So I text her and told her to F off and never talk to me again. We talked for a bit and she denied it all and I found out said "friend" was trying to ask her out so she said that stuff to him to get him to leave her alone. We realized he was playing both of us and we got to talking. She said she wanted to be friends. I told her that I will be friends, but there will always be an ulterior motive for me. I told her that I will always be trying to win her back. She replied with "things have to stay the way they are, and maybe it is selfish, but she wants me to be in her life." Thats kinda restored my hope, but at the same time made me so depressed. So I went and made a build-a-bear at the mall for her for a christmas present yesterday, and plan on telling her I have a present for her tomorrow.
I saw her last night when I was leaving my cousins apartment. She was coming to hang out so I though it best to give her space and leave. We walked right by each other and we casually said hi like two people who barely know each other and it killed me.
I don't know what to do, I blew it. This chick was so head over heels about me and I threw it away. Now I fear it was the biggest mistake of my life. I don't know what to do or what to say, all I think about is her and all the good memories we had together. I don't get like this over women, I think I just might have lost the person I was suppose to be with and the blame entirely falls on me. All I know is that I love her and would do anything for one more shot. Everyone I've talked to said that they don't think she could just turn off those feelings for me and not care anymore even if its what she says.
After this I tried to respect her wishes and give her space
Dec 30
Ok so my ex is coming to my cousins new years drinking thing, there's gonna be around 10 of us. I'm thinking of not showing up. I still love her so much and I cry over her every day. I dunno, I wanna show her that I can be strong and be fine without her, but honestly that's not how I feel. I feel like drinking myself into a coma, the only reason I don't is cause I still have hope she will take me back, and I am trying to better myself for her next time around.
So I don't know if I should show up and just fake it or what. She has told my cousin that she wants me to move on and that she can't give me another chance, but even now beyond intelligence or rational thought I still have some type of hope she will take me back. I dunno...I'm depressed and I don't want to move on. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy and try to make up for my mistakes.
I feel like even if I date someone else or even get in another serious relationship I will always love her. I cannot express in words how amazing she was and how I took that for granted, I just keep thinking that when and if I meet someone else they wont be Paige...and I really want Paige.
I know lots of people have been here before, this is my first time...I just don't know how to deal with this. All I do is long for her all day and cry over her. I feel like I'm going crazy