So, not love advice...

[Lite]

I had the wonderful experience of bringing my wife home to my family on Christmas day, having been married only hours earlier. I had let my close college friends know that I would be in town over the holidays several months in advance, and reminded them a few times. One of the friends is basically the social director, she's typically the one that organizes folk into one place at one time.

I called her a week before Christmas and she said she'd get everyone together, I let her know that my schedule was wide open and I'd accommodate anyone in any manner I could. Christmas day passes, I haven't heard back. Sent a txt on the 26th, no response. Called on the 27th, left Voicemail, no response. Called on the 29th (Day before I'm leaving town.), friend answers, hrmmms and hawwws a bit, says she'll call me back in a bit. Hear nothing back at all. I call her again that evening, she doesn't answer.

Now, I haven't seen these friends in a year, and live in a state where I basically don't really have any close friends of my own yet. These are people whom I've cared for when they were having marital troubles, included in my first wedding, etc... So, not only did none of my other friends contact me of my own volition, but the friend who volunteered to corral everyone didn't bother to call me back.

It being the holidays and all I'm willing to let a certain level of "I'm busy" slide. However, I received silence from all corners.

I send a rather direct e-mail to the social director friend asking what's up, and let her know that I was hurt by not getting to see anyone. I also asked if this was her way of avoiding a problem by simply not stating that she'd rather not spend time w/ me etc...

So... Thoughts?

I'm going to go dump myself into a NyQuil induced coma again while I fight off the flu. Being depressed over poor friends and sick is a bad combination.

[vashti]

Was this social-director friend the only one who knew you'd be in town? Or did all your old friends shun you? Were these people also friends with your ex-wife? (If so, she may have taken full custody of all your friends after the divorce.)

EDIT: Congrats on the wedding, BTW.

[starbuck]

Ugh, how crappy of them. There's no excuse for that level of non-responsiveness IMO. She's a shitty friend.

Did you try to get in touch with some of the other friends on your own? That's what I would have done if I had a friend making things difficult.

[Mish]

So... Thoughts?

Well, she doesn't sound like much of a friend to me if she's ignoring you and your calls.

On the side note, I never rely on anyone to do my outing planning with friends for me. If I really want a group of people present I will approach each and every one of them individually (through various means) and then make plans that caters for some of them not showing up. It's very time consuming, but that's the price you pay for spending a holiday with people you care for.

[lesa]

You find out who your real friends are when you invite them for your celebrations.

They probably would love to talk to you on the phone if you or they had something depressing to discuss.

[Lite]

Was this social-director friend the only one who knew you'd be in town? Or did all your old friends shun you? Were these people also friends with your ex-wife?

EDIT: Congrats on the wedding, BTW.

No, I accept some level of responsibility for not contacting other friends personally. Said social-directory friend is typically very reliable. But, they all knew I'd be in town, and none of them contacted me at all.

No, all of these folk were friends of mine pre-wedding, and they threw me a party when the divorce was final.

[Lite]

Did you try to get in touch with some of the other friends on your own? That's what I would have done if I had a friend making things difficult.

I tried to reach a few via IM/txt. A couple of them apparently changed their phone numbers in the last year, and I no longer have them.

Ah well. I dunno, I'm just kind of bummed about the whole thing in general. I agree I could have done more, but I think I should have figured out more when my earlier e-mails were met w/ silence.

[Mish]

but I think I should have figured out more when my earlier e-mails were met w/ silence.

Well, that explains a bit. Maybe it's time to rebuild / rekindle some of those friendships?

[TheTooya]

Well, that explains a bit. Maybe it's time to rebuild / rekindle some of those friendships?

I wouldn't even bother. If they are not even giving you the time of day to respond, then they are not worth the effort to rebuild a friendship. Thats my take with dealing with past friendships now -.-

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with what everyone has said, however, just an alternative thought. You mentioned this friend had had marriage problems? Perhaps they had something of their own going on they were busy with. Happens. We just got an email from an old acquaintance replying to our xmas shout & turns out they got divorced this past year. Ppl are very overextended in our society, IMO.

And congrats, again, on your new marriage Lite. Best wishes.

[ecojeanne]

congrats lite!

i have to say christmas time to me is a very important time for family. i tend to shut off my cell or at least leave it somewhere and not check it till much later. i don't go on the internet and am not interested in contacting any friends. i go into another world and don't care about other people, just my family.

so if i had people contacting me like you did with your friend, i would have indeed ignored you, especially if there had been no contact within the last year. sorry it's effort on both sides. you need to keep in contact with people you want to meet up with imo.

i would reckon maybe you should start keeping in contact with these people regularly and then maybe next year will be a different story.

just my thoughts

[Lite]

congrats lite!

i have to say christmas time to me is a very important time for family. i tend to shut off my cell or at least leave it somewhere and not check it till much later. i don't go on the internet and am not interested in contacting any friends. i go into another world and don't care about other people, just my family.

so if i had people contacting me like you did with your friend, i would have indeed ignored you, especially if there had been no contact within the last year. sorry it's effort on both sides. you need to keep in contact with people you want to meet up with imo.

i would reckon maybe you should start keeping in contact with these people regularly and then maybe next year will be a different story.

just my thoughts

Uh, right. So I'm the person regularly (minimum once per month) calling, e-mailing, iming folk. I'm the one ALWAYS initiating contact.

Thank you for interjecting useless advice via assumption of wrongdoing on my part. As for these people shutting off their cells, it is important for their business operations, which includes answering/checking messages regularly to handle clients needs. Most are either managerial level employees or self-employed. Must be nice to be a peon who is of such little importance to their employer that you don't need to stay in contact regularly.

(See, that assumption of bad things can really go both ways. You enjoy yourself now, and come back when you have something useful to say.)

[Lite]

I agree with what everyone has said, however, just an alternative thought. You mentioned this friend had had marriage problems? Perhaps they had something of their own going on they were busy with. Happens. We just got an email from an old acquaintance replying to our xmas shout & turns out they got divorced this past year. Ppl are very overextended in our society, IMO.

And congrats, again, on your new marriage Lite. Best wishes.

Different friend who had marriage problems, and that was years ago. Said individual is fairly happily married at this time w/ children and the ex-wife permanently gone from their life.

Said social-director friend offered to bring everyone together without my asking, I was asking about her availability over the holidays, not for her to do the groundwork for me. I felt it was nice that she did so, and this is the first time she's failed to really come through.

[Gigabitch]

Could be just a Perfect Social Storm of Unfortunate coincidences, but I doubt it. There's probably a reason, but it could be any of a thousand things. Is there any possibility that this social director girl doesn't approve of your new marriage for some reason?

Anyway, this is why we have Facebook. Yes, it's for grownups, too.

[ecojeanne]

Uh, right. So I'm the person regularly (minimum once per month) calling, e-mailing, iming folk. I'm the one ALWAYS initiating contact.

Thank you for interjecting useless advice via assumption of wrongdoing on my part. As for these people shutting off their cells, it is important for their business operations, which includes answering/checking messages regularly to handle clients needs. Most are either managerial level employees or self-employed. Must be nice to be a peon who is of such little importance to their employer that you don't need to stay in contact regularly.

(See, that assumption of bad things can really go both ways. You enjoy yourself now, and come back when you have something useful to say.)

i'm my own employer darlin' so ye i will enjoy my time off. and i was speaking about my personal phone not business phone. btw it was meant to be advice IF you want to keep in contact with them, up to you what you want to do sourpuss, thats the way it works with real friends