Is it all about the white picket fence?

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

That is what my mom says WORD FOR WORD!!! this has to be some kind of stupid female logic.

It's not just a woman thing though. I have a close male friend who told me he had hoped this girl had gotten pregnant for him because he felt a child would make his life have a purpose. He feels he is here for no reason, and having a child would make him feel his existence is worthwhile. It's sad, and I wish I could help, but I am not having anymore kids for at least another 3 to 4 years with a man I can actually rely on.

[vashti]

I don't think it is the least bit sad to think children give life purpose. The overwhelming majority of people don't do things that are so important that the world is greatly impacted by their input. For example, if I don't take a job doing X, someone else will. That is probably true of everyone on this board. That isn't the case with kids - they are directly impacted by anything their parents do.

I'm not sure how considering my purpose to be loving, supporting, and nurturing my children could possibly be considered "burdensome" to my kids.

Anyway, I didn't say EVERYONE feels this way, but lots of people do.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I said it was sad because he felt his life was not worthy of existence, and that makes me really sad cuz I care about him and I find his life to be worth existing because he is a good person at heart.

[lovesjoyajm]

Sometimes I think the whole circular nature of life - be born, reproduce, die - is what makes it meaningless. What meaning can there possibly be if the only purpose we have to is to produce more people whose only purpose is to produce more people?

And then sometimes I think that having children is the only way to make any lasting impact unless you're Einstein or Mother Teresa. So yes, having children does give life purpose in that sense.

[DoesntMatter]

That is what my mom says WORD FOR WORD!!! this has to be some kind of stupid female logic.

It's not just a woman thing though.

Nisha is right, it isn't just a woman thing at all. I feel that way too. I think it's natural for a person who, after having experienced growing up themselves, wants to continue the natural cycle that us mammals do and raise their own, because now it is their turn to do that

[vashti]

Sometimes I think the whole circular nature of life - be born, reproduce, die - is what makes it meaningless. What meaning can there possibly be if the only purpose we have to is to produce more people whose only purpose is to produce more people?

I suppose if you have positive thoughts about humanity in general, it doesn't seem so meaningless to help perpetuate it.

For the record, I want to clarify that having children adds purpose. i never said it was (or should be) a person's SOLE purpose.

[Cbrider]

Slightly off topic.....


I read the the end of this thread and the banner advertisement at the bottom read:

"Save up to 50% on vinyl and plastic fencing!"

It was a picture of a....you guessed it....white picket fence.....

Besides being really ironic, is it good advertising to put up fences on a relationship forum...I mean really?

[IndiReloaded]

I don't think it is the least bit sad to think children give life purpose. The overwhelming majority of people don't do things that are so important that the world is greatly impacted by their input. For example, if I don't take a job doing X, someone else will. That is probably true of everyone on this board. That isn't the case with kids - they are directly impacted by anything their parents do.

Its not sad, Vash. I'm saying there is a danger that parents who focus on their children to the exclusion of anything else risks putting a burden on their children. You know the type, the mom who lives for nothing but her children and then, if her kids don't turn out as she hoped, she's all disappointed and plays the guilt card, etc. Stereotypical Jewish Mother type. It exists and I think they are very selfish ppl.

BTW, your argument above sucks, IMO. Sorry. The way you have it currently phrased boils down to "I'm not doing anything useful with my life so I'm going to fill that void with my kids". And if it helps you to imply that 'anyone on this board' hasn't done anything truly useful for society, sorry, but that's just not so. I'm pretty sure that any number of the posters here who do not have children are doing very good work and making contributions to society. I have a son, and I know I have, so its possible to do both.

Have children b/c YOU have something to offer THEM. Enjoy them, become their friend. Help them to become the best humans they can, but don't live your life through them.

[doppelgaenger]

Some people have kids so they can sell them.

[vashti]

Its not sad, Vash. I'm saying there is a danger that parents who focus on their children to the exclusion of anything else risks putting a burden on their children. You know the type, the mom who lives for nothing but her children and then, if her kids don't turn out as she hoped, she's all disappointed and plays the guilt card, etc. Stereotypical Jewish Mother type. It exists and I think they are very selfish ppl.

BTW, your argument above sucks, IMO. Sorry. The way you have it currently phrased boils down to "I'm not doing anything useful with my life so I'm going to fill that void with my kids". And if it helps you to imply that 'anyone on this board' hasn't done anything truly useful for society, sorry, but that's just not so. I'm pretty sure that any number of the posters here who do not have children are doing very good work and making contributions to society. I have a son, and I know I have, so its possible to do both.

I didn't say no one on this board has done anything useful. I said it is unlikely anyone on this board has done anything so important that no one else could have done it, which simply means they are replaceable.

You didn't appear to read my last post. I already said that while (for many people) kids give purpose to life, they shouldn't necessarily be the sole purpose. I'm not sure why that is controversial.

And you don't have a very good understanding of how Jewish mother guilt works. Not at all.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, that's a non-argument, tho. Even Einstein is 'replaceable' by that argument. There were other ppl working on the things he was pondering would have gotten there eventually.

Nope, don't know much about Jewish mom guilt. Only caucasian 'nearly perfect isn't good enough' mother guilt. It is ALL over rated, IMO.

[vashti]

Well, that's a non-argument, tho.

Exactly. It wasn't meant to be an argument, but rather an observation.

[IndiReloaded]

You said it shouldn't be someone's sole purpose. The rest is semantics, we are saying the same thing, I think just with different words. Yours will probably make more sense to most ppl. Its all good.

[boobaa]

Why do so many people want to get married, have kids, own a home and a nice car and some sort of pet?

What do you do after that?

Why do people set these milestones for themselves when so many others have tried the same and failed?

Why can't our goals be to, have two boyfriends/girlfriends, live in with your one of your siblings and help raise your nieces and nephews, on a house boat sailing the open seas?

We have more choices, more freedom than we have ever had before! Why don't we start thinking outside the box?!

AAAAAAARGH!

Better question: Why set a goal at all? If you have no goal, you can't fail.

[lesa]

I almost had the white picket fence dream. I was this close to having children. It's just not the real me--the me that makes be very happy. I wasn't made to just marry, produce, live in a traditional home, a traditional car, have a dog and cat, and another child on the way.

Now, I'm living the alternate American lifestyle and so far I am loving it! I hope to do more soon. And in a few years maybe I'll do the white picket fences