Twenty-One

[StrawberryHeart]

The guy didnt even take into consideration that his girlfriend can not come along. What she does doesnt matter obviously. He didnt even try to think of a solution where everyone is happy. Not just his friends, but his girlfriend also. To me it seems as if his friends are more a priority than his girlfriend because he'd rather spend his birthday excluding his girlfriend.

And what is wrong with being introduced to the friends? Whats wrong with going out to dinner THEN going to the bar with your friends?

And why is it wrong if she decides to have a birthday outing without him too? He intentionally kept her out of his because he did not want to include her, so why cant she do the same?

Thank you. I promise, I wont have a birthday outing without him...I just think that that is immature. I am worried he could be hiding something...like with all the stuff I said on the previous post about one of the girls that he invited.

ok, but get this:
His lease ends in july. He wants to move out with his current roommate. BUT his roommate is inviting a girl to live there too (she is single) So my bf wants to live with them, but I am completely against him living with some girl that I dont know and who does not have a relationship with my bf's roommate. He is also considering having us get our own apt, but hasnt made a decision. Anyways...completely different issue, but this girl is going with them to the bars monday night too.....

[carl1222]

The guy didnt even take into consideration that his girlfriend can not come along. What she does doesnt matter obviously. He didnt even try to think of a solution where everyone is happy. Not just his friends, but his girlfriend also. To me it seems as if his friends are more a priority than his girlfriend because he'd rather spend his birthday excluding his girlfriend.

And what is wrong with being introduced to the friends? Whats wrong with going out to dinner THEN going to the bar with your friends?

And why is it wrong if she decides to have a birthday outing without him too? He intentionally kept her out of his because he did not want to include her, so why cant she do the same?

The part in bold disturbs me. Are both of you (nisha and strawberry) really suggesting that she should have the right to examine and approve of his friends before he is allowed to see them without you? How controlling!!!! How untrusting!!!!

As to your other points, why do you assume he'd "rather spend his birthday excluding his girlfriend"? This is a 21st birthday midnight bar run, probably lasting a few hours at most. In fact, she is having dinner with him later that day ... so how is that spending his birthday without her? Sure, she could retaliate by excluding him from her 21st birthday but that would be petty beyond belief. I'm here to encourage relationships over small speed-bumps ... not suggest ways to damage thm!

Carl.

[vashti]

So my bf wants to live with them, but I am completely against him living with some girl that I dont know and who does not have a relationship with my bf's roommate.

I understand your concern, and while I don't think you should put on blinders and be a sucker, I don't think you have the right to determine how he is going to live his life.

Really, i think you need to take a step back and ask yourself honestly if this guy makes choices you can accept (and I don't mean "tolerate"). You have to decide whether or not you will trust him (and again, I don't know whether he is trustworthy or not). If you feel there is a high possibility he will betray you, then break off with him and find someone you CAN trust. Life is too short to spend all your time worrying.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I assume he doesnt want to because when she brought up suggestions he brushed it off like it is out of the question.

The in bold may disturb you, but for me it is not about acceptance. I just want to know the people in his life instead of be kept in the dark. I wont tell him to not go out with them, but I'd like to meet them and get to know them. Why is that a problem?

[carl1222]

I understand your concern, and while I don't think you should put on blinders and be a sucker, I don't think you have the right to determine how he is going to live his life.

Really, i think you need to take a step back and ask yourself honestly if this guy makes choices you can accept (and I don't mean "tolerate"). You have to decide whether or not you will trust him (and again, I don't know whether he is trustworthy or not). If you feel there is a high possibility he will betray you, then break off with him and find someone you CAN trust. Life is too short to spend all your time worrying.

Just so you don't think I'm picking on vashti, I totally agree with her on this one.

You should NEVER be with someone you don't trust. It would, however, be a shame to lose a good relationship because unfounded doubt and jealousy clouds your mind. Make sure those doubts apply to HIM and not just to other guys who have let you down. We don't deserve to be judged by your former boyfreinds, and prejudice is wrong in any form.

Carl.

[carl1222]

I assume he doesnt want to because when she brought up suggestions he brushed it off like it is out of the question.

The in bold may disturb you, but for me it is not about acceptance. I just want to know the people in his life instead of be kept in the dark. I wont tell him to not go out with them, but I'd like to meet them and get to know them. Why is that a problem?

Ahhh, OK nisha ...

The problem here is that he has very specific plans for celebrating his 21st ... one of them includes a few hours of bar hopping just after his birthday starts. All of her suggestions were incompatible with that (sure, he could have gone out of his way to track down an inconvenient 18+ bar, but his birthday is about him, not her).

As for the other ... I agree that someone who hides their friends raises a red flag. But here, I got the impression that she was almost demanding him to jump through hoops to make sure she knew everyone who was going to be at the party before he went. So I'm not sure we diagree here either.

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

Just remember this... relationships are built on a foundation of trust... without trust, there can be no meaningful relationship. So as you chip away at the trust with your worries... ask yourself this, is it wise to do this?

The way your boyfriend is acting suggests that you seem to be rather 'clingy' (or at least perceived that way).... if this is the case, then he feels he needs some space. He's doing you a favor, by giving you a chance to determine if you really trust him or not.

Because he has plans that include you the day after the party... this shows that he does think of you and wants to include you. However, he wants at least one night all to himself.

As for the women... so what? If he's a decent guy.. you have nothing to worry about --- drunk or sober.

Relationships fail all the time... often times for trivial, meaningless things. Don't let this relationship be another to add. If you persist with these insecure thoughts... you will ultimately find what you're looking for --- a reason to end your relationship. And that reason will be your own insecurities.

So relax... and TRUST him.

[Cain]

I assume he doesnt want to because when she brought up suggestions he brushed it off like it is out of the question.

The in bold may disturb you, but for me it is not about acceptance. I just want to know the people in his life instead of be kept in the dark. I wont tell him to not go out with them, but I'd like to meet them and get to know them. Why is that a problem?

It's not a problem that you would want to get to know his friends. It's a problem that you feel that you are obligated to meet them before he hangs out with them.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

It's not an obligation really, but a preference. If you refuse in a way thats stand off-ish then I will feel uncomfortable. I was just making the suggestion of goin to a restaurant early in the night, then he can head off with his friends so they have some form of time together for his birthday.

I'm getting the feeling I have this whole thing mixed up though. Are they going out on his birthday or the night before his birthday into his birthday?

[Cain]

It sounds to me like he and his friends are meeting at the bar at midnight, therefore she can't go.

You have to look at this from his perspective. He isn't eager to change his plans because he feels as if his gf is being unreasonable and it's irritating him. If I was him, I wouldn't be changing my plans either and the more she bugged me about it the more pissed I'd get.

There's a difference between a bar and a club. He wants to go some place that he hasn't been able to go to before and he wants to drink there. That is NOT a big deal at all.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Well I can understand that now, but I thought he was excluding her from his entire birthday, but if its at midnight thats cool. She got him during his b-day the following day right?

OP, you can just plan something nice for him during the day of that special day. He can have his fun with his friends at midnight, but you can show him the time of his life when its your turn.

[Cain]

Well I can understand that now, but I thought he was excluding her from his entire birthday, but if its at midnight thats cool. She got him during his b-day the following day right?

OP, you can just plan something nice for him during the day of that special day. He can have his fun with his friends at midnight, but you can show him the time of his life when its your turn.

She explained what his plans were. She also mentioned that she would be going out to dinner with him and his parents later that night.

He wasn't excluding her from the whole day... just the couple of hours he was at the bar. Her issue is that she feels obligated to meet his friends before they go. It's jealousy. If the girls weren't going then she wouldn't be expecting to meet them.