Sex???

[IndiReloaded]

I had a miscarriage 5 months ago and havent been the same since and he doesnt understand. I have cried to him and he still doesnt get it.

The sex is a symptom. You LFers are all focused on the wrong thing.

What doesn't he get, Lost?

Its possible that you are mildly depressed, btw. Miscarriages affect women differently. I would suggest speaking to your doctor, s/he might suggest counselling or a mild antidepressant.

You could ask about St Johns Wort, which is a mild antidep you can take as a tea. But do ask your doc. This is not a site for providing medical advice or a diagnosis.

[Indignant]

how long ago has it been since the miscarriage?

[carl1222]

The sex is a symptom. You LFers are all focused on the wrong thing.

What doesn't he get, Lost?

Its possible that you are mildly depressed, btw. Miscarriages affect women differently. I would suggest speaking to your doctor, s/he might suggest counselling or a mild antidepressant.

You could ask about St Johns Wort, which is a mild antidep you can take as a tea. But do ask your doc. This is not a site for providing medical advice or a diagnosis.

Indi is absolutely right. But my impression from the original post is that OP thinks her husband has the problem to be fixed ... "he doesn't understand" or "he doesn't get it" when in fact he is reacting normally in response to a marriage that has already been passionless for way too long, with no end in sight.

I applaud Indi for not trying to diagnose, but it's time to at least consider whether the miscarriage was the cause of her lost libido, or merely an event that triggered it.

Only a doctor or a psychologist is qualified to explore that possibility. I want OP to realize how serious the situation is ... it can destroy their marriage soon. And also to know that her husband's reaction at this late date is neither selfish, insensitive nor unreasonable.

Carl.

[JustPassing]

Dear lost21,

Your relationship must be under a lot of strain right now, as you and your husband clearly have conflicting views and desires.

Neither one of you is to blame in this situation. If you don't want sex then you should never be forced into it and I don't think sex is ever an "obligation" in a marriage.

However, your husband's frustration is also completely understandable, and if you continue as you are, then you will likely grow to resent him for pressuring you and he will just become more and more frustrated with you.

I think you both need to sit down, discuss how you are feeling, and try to respect each others thoughts and feelings. Hopefully then you can both come to a compromise.

Counselling / anti-depressant medication may help you deal with the depression, and in time help you recover your libido. A miscarriage must be a horrendous thing to go through. But don’t give up hope, there's help out there! Maybe talking to a councillor or other women who have been through the same thing would help. As men and women often deal with these things differently, talking to someone who better understands how you’re feeling may help.

If your husband loves you I'm sure he'll do his best to be supportive and help you through this. But you need to understand his point of view and needs too. Marriage can be very hard, but if you truly love each other then together you should be able to get through this.

If however, you and your husband aren’t able to compromise then it may be time to go your separate ways. Then you can recover at your own pace.

I wish you all the best, hope things work out.

[lost21]

With all do respect, I appreciate everyones response, but I dont think this is that extreme... I lost a child 5 months ago but we havent gone 5 months without sex.... We have had weekends in between were I have had it 3-4 times with him. But I think IM in a rut emotionally about the baby and just wanted to know how I could talk to him about this so he would understand....

[carl1222]

With all do respect, I appreciate everyones response, but I dont think this is that extreme... I lost a child 5 months ago but we havent gone 5 months without sex.... We have had weekends in between were I have had it 3-4 times with him. But I think IM in a rut emotionally about the baby and just wanted to know how I could talk to him about this so he would understand....

I'm not sure you really can make him feel what you are feeling, nor do I think you can just handle this yourself. Even if he understood you perfectly, it doesn't change the fact that your marriage has become very dysfunctional because of it. You need professional counselling to deal with your debilitating feelings ... perhaps having him included in some sessions so he can be a part of the process.

Carl.

[vashti]

Damn. I hate when people post multiple threads on the same topic.