Age gap...What would you do?

**andrew888** · 01-04-09, 12:03 AM

So I've been dating this guy for about 8 months, I am 23 he is 18. Things have been pretty good for the most part and the age difference hasn't been an issue, but I know he is uncertain about the relationship. He told me the other night that he "wished he met me later in life." To which I replied "do you think we should take a break?" He said no, and that was the end of that discussion. Now I certainly don't want to take a break, I love the guy, and want things to work out, but don't want to guilt the guy into staying in the relationship.

I feel like if we continue our relationship he may have regrets that he didn't party/enjoy university, as much as he would if he was single. Is this something that I shouldn't worry about, and if he decides to end things later on, so be it? If he doesn't at all that would great, I would like this relationship to work, as its been the best I've been in. But I also wonder if I should do the dirty work myself and end things now so that I can move on now rather than wait until he does it later? What do you think?

**vashti** · 01-04-09, 12:16 AM

This is most certainly NOT the guy you will spend your life with, and I do think it would benefit him to experience being with other women. He's just a kid, and is far too young to settle down. (I say this as the mother of an 18 year old.) There are certain advantages in having experienced longer-term relationships - especially for you, but I'm not sure it's in HIS best interests to be tied down at this point. Whether or not you should continue seeing him depends on a lot of variables, like whether or not you are both fully on board with the temporary nature of this relationship.

How does his family feel about you dating him? TBH, I wouldn't be thrilled. If he's anything like the 18 year old boys I know, he isn't really ready for the things 23 year old women expect. I mean, he should be going off to college and thinking about how he wants to build his career, not worrying about settling down.

**pol32x** · 01-04-09, 12:30 AM

He may not be ready to stop seeing you now but in time it sounds like he will be out the door given his comment "I wish I had met you later in life". I always felt that way about my ex-husband even though I ended up marrying him. He always felt 'older' and I didn't like the feeling. I would let him go. He may well end up resenting you and then make up for lost time later on. Good luck.

**Gribble** · 01-04-09, 12:40 AM

Relationships like that don't really work. Reverse the genders and it would be fine. But an 18 year old boy... ehh. He would be better off without you and you'd be better off without him.

**andrew888** · 01-04-09, 01:11 AM

We are actually both guys, so it makes things a little more complicated. I have met his parents, they were very worried about us at first, but they have certainly warmed up to me (they did buy me a Christmas gift in December if that is any indication?)

At any rate, although he is very mature for his age, he is still a kid, and maybe it is best to let him go, but I can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake whenever I contemplate letting him go.....any words of wisdom?

**vashti** · 01-04-09, 01:20 AM

Hah! I was wondering about the screen name!

I think if you are both on the same page, you can continue to see each other for a while. Is this his first homosexual relationship? If so, he might be more reluctant to let it go out of fear he won't find another partner. (Of course, I hope by your age, you know this isn't true.) Just be careful to recognize when it IS time to let it go.

**alovehangoverr** · 01-04-09, 01:37 AM

Hmm.. I don't really see 23 and 18 as a big "age gap."

Listen, I know you're unsure of the relationship, but you've made it 8 months. I get that you want him to be able to experience life, but didn't he have quite a few years to do that before you came along? What it comes down to is this-- if this is the best relationship you've been in and you're happy now, then why not continue it? Don't make decisions about the relationship for him just because you think he might feel differently. Discuss it with him, and then decide what to do if you're honestly that concerned about it.

I agree with the above that you probably won't end up spending the rest of your life with this guy-- you're 18. However, every dating experience is a learning experience.. I think ending it because there's the potential of having to move on at some point is sort of pointless. There are no guarantees when it comes to relationship. You could be with someone for years and think that's it for you and it could come to an end.

If you're happy and enjoying the relationship now, I don't understand why you'd bail because of some what ifs.

**Gribble** · 01-04-09, 01:41 AM

Oh... yeah. I didn't even look at your screen name. I don't know, then.

**Aeradalia** · 01-04-09, 01:50 AM

Andrew.. I agree with Alovehangoverr... even if a relationship at this stage in your life were to dissipate eventually, does that mean you should give up anyway?

The purpose of a relationship isn't just a long term commitment... it's also the experiences both of you share... the happy moments, building each other up into better people... learning what you want and need from another person in order to be happy... and learning how to maintain the balance a successful long term relationship will need.

There will be some of the happiest times of your life in this relationship and some very fundamental lessons learned as well. To pass on this all because you fear what the future may bring is to deny yourself a chance to be happy and to improve yourself in the long run.

It will not hurt any less if you were to break up now or later... so you really won't be diminishing the pain for either of your one bit. It's my suggestion that you let this relationship follow its course and just enjoy it.

**vashti** · 01-04-09, 01:55 AM

Originally Posted by alovehangoverr

Hmm.. I don't really see 23 and 18 as a big "age gap."

I agree, so long as the male is older than the female, or both are male. 23 year old female with an 18 year old male? Uhhh... no.

Originally Posted by alovehangoverr

I get that you want him to be able to experience life, but didn't he have quite a few years to do that before you came along?

The BOYFRIEND is only 18 (the original poster is 23). The 18 year old probably hasn't had time to experience much of anything yet, except for this relationship. So yes, it will be a big learning experience for him.

**alovehangoverr** · 01-04-09, 01:57 AM

Originally Posted by vashti

I agree, so long as the male is older than the female, or both are male. 23 year old female with an 18 year old male? Uhhh... no.

The BOYFRIEND is only 18. He hasn't had time to experience much of anything.

Oops! Hahaha, I read that totally wrong!

To fix my advice then: I still wouldn't worry about it.. again, if you're happy, you're happy. Regardless of if you spend the rest of your lives together, just enjoy it.

**tooxshort** · 01-04-09, 02:18 AM

Gender aside, I wouldn't expect a life partner out of it, but just enjoy yourselves and live for the moment ... worry about them future roads when you get to them.

**fivefootgiant** · 06-04-09, 12:10 AM

hi, my bf is 23 and i am 18 so i can most definately relate to your delimma. I always thought there would be a problem with our relationship but our age difference has never really caused any problems. If he is ready for a truly commited relationship and loves you then i can see it working out. i still party and go out but i am faithful and i have boundaries. like they say

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