Is He Cheating?

[JRMarquis]

My fiance works with very few women, but one woman in particular he has been working with for over a decade. I guess the story is that she flirts with all the guys and is fairly X-rated about it at times.

Starting two years ago, she was sending cards to our house (Christmas and birthday). They were nasty-flirty. I told him I wasn't happy about it, I thought it was disrespectful to our relationship. He told me that she was unattractive and never had boyfriends, was lonely, flirted with all the guys, etc. He told me it was harmless and anyone who was nice to her received the same.

We have a joint cell phone plan and I've noticed from time-to-time her number here and there for a few minutes. She called once about her car troubles. But, the cards ceased so I assumed he told her it was inappropriate and she stopped.

Over the past year we've been having issues in our relatinship and, in turn, our sex life has gone way downhill. I've gained some weight and he has as well. There's been a lot of day-to-day stresses of life. So, I guess I was feeling insecure and I looked at his phone. This woman had sent him picture mail, one of her face and one of her bare crotch.

He swore up and down that it was just her being her and explained that about every month or so she gets "randy" and sends thse picture texts and text messages to all the guys at work. He said and acted like it was no biggie, just her being stupid and inappropriate.

I took it upon myself to text her and basically told her it was innappropriate and that if she wanted to send pictures like that, unless there was something going on between her and my fiance, send them to her own boyfriend. She never texted back and my fiance said she emailed him embarrassed and he said to her, "Well, it was innappropriate, what did you expect to happen?"

Since the discovery of the nude photos, I have looked at his phone a few times. I've just lost a lot of trust in him since this happened, plus, with our relationship being the way it is, it's really hard to know what's happening. Our relationship is still spotty and we've made love maybe three times in the past six months and haven't touched in the past three months. He deletes texts from her, I know because I see him texting her in response things like: "Cool!" or "You bet!" Could be to anything, I have no clue. Today I looked at our cell phone bill and in a month he's called her about five times, talking to her anywhere from five to 20+ minutes.

It's true that she is very unattractive. I've gained weight, but she is a lot heavier than I am. However, she obviously finds herself sexy and I feel pretty gross. If she is "sexy", even though she's not attractive, he might go for that. As far as I know she could be organizing threesomes or something. If she is that desperate and obviously smitten or in lust with my fiance, I'm sure she's willing to do anything. And, I really can't imagine him willingly going without sex for so long -- he must be getting it elsewhere, right?

The thing is, we have a life together. He has children from a previous marriage, we own our house together (among other things) and I know it will be difficult for him to afford to live if I leave. So, there is no way he'll come clean.

If he is sleeping with someone else, even if it's just for sexual kicks, I can't blame him. I can't tell you how difficult it would be for me to say no if I were given the opportunity. I miss sex and I miss him. I'm thinking that he's living a life and having a relationship with me, but getting the sex elsewhere and likely he wouldn't leave me for her.

But, the thing that bothers me the most is that he continues to communicate with her. She was innappropriate and it was not right for him not to tell her, "Listen, I have a fiance. We have a life together. It is wrong of you to do this and she was upset when she found these." Something like that. If anything, I feel like he is being disloyal to me by continuing to chat with her via text and on the phone, and whatever else he is doing. If some guy were texting me and all of this other stuff, I would put a stop to it because it's just not right.

I'm not sure what to do. I know that if I bring up the calls he will be annoyed again. I could call her. But what good will that do? Is he cheating? He'll never tell. Sadly, he is 41 and I am 34. I feel like I'm in high school. We have other things to deal with like kids, a house, bills, jobs, etc. This is just stupid.

[Gigabitch]

Quit worrying about her and start worrying about what to do about things you can control. Clearly, he has no intention of stopping this behavior from her and will only get sneakier about hiding it. For me, that would be a dealbreaker right there, but then, I'm a total bitch (note screen name).

I think the only thing you can do is focus on yourself. It sounds like you feel really bad about yourself right now. Has it occurred to you that your relationship with this man that encourages inappropriate behavior from this tubby slut might be part of the problem?

What about these other people he works with- do they have wives and girlfriends too? Do they know about the monthly crotch shots being sent around? Maybe it's time to get an angry mob going. Get some pitchforks. Light some torches.

[JRMarquis]

Quit worrying about her and start worrying about what to do about things you can control. Clearly, he has no intention of stopping this behavior from her and will only get sneakier about hiding it. For me, that would be a dealbreaker right there, but then, I'm a total bitch (note screen name).

I think the only thing you can do is focus on yourself. It sounds like you feel really bad about yourself right now. Has it occurred to you that your relationship with this man that encourages inappropriate behavior from this tubby slut might be part of the problem?

What about these other people he works with- do they have wives and girlfriends too? Do they know about the monthly crotch shots being sent around? Maybe it's time to get an angry mob going. Get some pitchforks. Light some torches.

We don't socialize with the people he works with, really. But, he has told me that this has happened to at least one of his buddies in the past. Wife saw the cards in the mail and all heck broke loose. But, I really don't know what happened. For all I know they were sleeping together. For some reason I see her as being the chick that all the guys do it with on the side. She is clearly uninhibited despite her looks and probably does stuff with them that their wives/girlfriends won't or else it's just that's she's fresh meat, easy, etc.

I think you're right about everything else. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

Thanks.

[Cain]

I don't know his personality but I would have definitely told her to stop that if I were in his position. Some people, however, do consider it innocent flirting.

How would he react if a guy was sending you pictures of his dick and x-rated cards in the mail?