Is commitment a total drag?

[starbuck]

A few recent posts on the forum have led me to ask this question:

Generally speaking, is monogamy a total drag for men? Given the chance, would you guys just screw everything until you grow old?

I guess I'm asking because to me (and alot of women), commitment's always been a no-brainer. I've known I wanted monogamy for a while now (at least since I turned 30), but it was finding someone right for me that was always the problem. And when I'm with someone I care deeply about, I never even consider fooling around. As unbelievable as it sounds, temptation just doesn't exist for me. I'm really a one-man woman.

My perception at the moment is that men are being constantly tempted to cheat just by merely existing in the world with other women. Sorry to make it sound like you guys have no self control, but sometimes that's the feeling I get. I'd hate to think that when my boyfriend says that I'm the only one for him, that these words were just some kind of appeasement for me.

Is commitment something you just go along with because you want to follow society's rules? Or is commitment something you guys really want deep down?

Discuss.

[Mish]

A few recent posts on the forum have led me to ask this question:

Generally speaking, is monogamy a total drag for men? Given the chance, would you guys just screw everything until you grow old?

Look at it this way, I'm single right now and I can screw everything without any guilt whatsoever, but I'm still not doing it. I find screwing anything just for the sake of it quite disturbing on a deep psychological level. I know where screwing around with the incompatibles leads to and I am more than happy to wait.

My perception at the moment is that men are being constantly tempted to cheat just by merely existing in the world with other women. Sorry to make it sound like you guys have no self control, but sometimes that's the feeling I get. I'd hate to think that when my boyfriend says that I'm the only one for him, that these words were not just some kind of appeasement for me.

Is commitment something you just go along with because you want to follow society's rules? Or is commitment something you guys really want deep down?

Star, I disagree with you on making this a men vs women issue. I know quite a few women who are more than happy to cheat on their men because there are men out there who still find them desirable. The want to use other people and feel validated by everyone and therefore powerful exist just as easily within men as within women.

Though, commitment IS a double edge sword. These words are not mine, they come from a single mum who tried to tolerate her husband for the last 15 years (without killing him) - they are now divorced. I think commitment is a beautiful thing when it is shared between two very compatible people who complete each other and give each other air. But for majority of people it is a very painful experience because it involves seeing and tolerating the same person every single day. The little personality quirks that you find cute in the beginning become virtually unbearable and grind you down like a chainsaw given another decade.

Commitment is beautiful and uplifting when you truly see yourself, sharing a part of you with a real equal, someone who fills your night and day and knows you so intrinsically that your experience is always harmonic even at its lowest level. But it can also be horrible and scary when you see it from the point of view of being trapped with someone who drives you mad and irritates you to the point of agony. Repeating the same annoying routines and having the same arguments over and over again.

Though, having said all of that ^^^ I don't any see room for cheating in the question of commitment. It's one of those things, you either commit and you stay or you don't and leave.

[LoveHurts09]

people cheat because the other person gives them something they are missing... if they were in their perfect relationship then technically they wouldnt cheat.

[McNoodle]

I've seen several relationships fall apart due to cheating, and from what i've seen gender doesn't really matter. both sexes cheat. personally I cannot respect a person who would cheat, I believe if the relationship isn't fulfilling to you personally I would hope you would at least respect your partner enough to break up with them first. and if you don't have the willpower to not cheat 'in the spur of the moment' you don't deserve a relationship. I've gone off on something of a tangent I realize, but basically no, not all guys have the desire to screw anything that moves. In my opinion many if not most (and I include myself here) are looking for a fulfilling committed relationship. or maybe I'm just delusional

[Junket]

I didn't have an interest in other women for about the first to second year of my relationship. The mind just goes through the cycle. Pair bonding is a process.

I still see women on the street that give me that strong urge to pursue them.

I was riding my bike with my girlfriend this one day last summer, and I remember seeing this gorgeous girl. Exactly my type (physically), long black hair, tan skin, beautifully smooth legs, and a curvy figure. It basically ruined the outing with my g/f because I couldn't get that girl out of my head. It's like there was this surge of adrenaline. I can feel it in my chest and my pelvis. Not like a boner, but this intense yearning to chase a woman I don't even know. Suddenly I want to get to know her, I want to make her smile, buy her gifts, gain her approval.

In other words.

Yes, I find commitment to be a drag.

[Mish]

people cheat because the other person gives them something they are missing... if they were in their perfect relationship then technically they wouldnt cheat.

Yeh, it's really the fault of the victim for not being perfect and not the cheater. If only they did more to be perfect the cheating wouldn't happen at all.




Coincidentally, murders are also the fault of the victim, if they weren't at the wrong place at the wrong time they'd still be okay.

[doppelgaenger]

I don't find commitment to be a drag. None of my friends do either... but as soon as I come on here, or watch Jerry Springer or Steve Wilkos, I start wondering the same thing myself, Starbuck.

[Charlie Boy II]

commitment certainly can be a drag, and I think for some men it always is regardless of the relationship they're in - but I'd say they're in the minority.

But I think most men, like me, see fooling around as a pleasant precursor to eventually settling down with the right girl and remaining faithful thereafter.

It doesn't sound at all like your boyfriend is humouring you Starbuck. Honestly, I'd stop pursuing this train of thought because in the context of your relationship I think it's wrong.

[vashti]

Yes, I find commitment to be a drag.

Maybe your testosterone levels are higher than the other guys?

Anyway, sure - it is easy for guys who haven't had relationships as long as yours to say they want commitment. I think anyone who sticks in a relationship for a long time can recognize its downfalls.

[Charlie Boy II]

Also I should point out, men's attitude to this sort of thing changes incredibly with age. I would completely disregard the views of men in their 20s for example.

[doppelgaenger]

Also I should point out, men's attitude to this sort of thing changes incredibly with age. I would completely disregard the views of men in their 20s for example.

Doesn't this include you as well?

[Charlie Boy II]

I suppose it does

[vashti]

I think in a longer-term relationship (one that has surpassed the honeymoon stage), there will always be an awareness one has "given up" other people, which is a drag. However, in a healthy relationship, the positive qualities are supposed to compensate for that loss.

[starbuck]

commitment certainly can be a drag, and I think for some men it always is regardless of the relationship they're in - but I'd say they're in the minority.

But I think most men, like me, see fooling around as a pleasant precursor to eventually settling down with the right girl and remaining faithful thereafter.

It doesn't sound at all like your boyfriend is humouring you Starbuck. Honestly, I'd stop pursuing this train of thought because in the context of your relationship I think it's wrong.

Good point, CB. I probably shouldn't worry. We're both a bit older and the perspectives of twenty-somethings may not have as much relevance for us. We're also in a very new relationship. Probably not the time to start harshing my own mellow about it. I need to just enjoy it.

I would expect that twenty-something men would feel that commitment was a drag. I wonder how much it continues into the thirties and forties though.

Just curious about the male mind.

And Mish, I know it's not a man/woman thing per se. It's just that when I see a random hot guy walking down the street, I don't get those same urges. I'll make a note of his good looks in an observational way, but that's about it.

[Mish]

And Mish, I know it's not a man/woman thing per se. It's just that when I see a random hot guy walking down the street, I don't get those urges. I'll make a note of his good looks in an observational way, but that's about it.

Likewise

I don't think many men will be tripping over themselves in their attempt to hit that right there and then.

Things drastically change though when this hot someone starts interacting with us and we suddenly feel a strange compatibility with them. I think that both guys and girls will lose themselves there for a few moments as they consider the possibilities.

In my experience I found that cheating is not gender specific. Both genders want to justify it in their own ways.