What would you do?

[Fuel]

Simple question...
You're girlfriend didn't want you going out drinking at clubs anymore...what would you do?

Another one, not so simple...
A friend you haven't spoken to in about 6 months...you start talking again and he asks if you wanna hang out. She doesn't like him at all as he was her ex and he hurt her really bad. She then tells you that if you go to his or become friends again then it's over. What's your response?

[Yggdrasil]

I'd tell her she's pretty darn controlling and as of now I don't want her to hang out with her friends anymore either, she has to lose right now 20 pounds and can't drink soda anymore.

See how that becomes her.

[whaywardj]

They're both simple. I don't go out to clubs anymore and I don't befriend the guy. I modify my behavior to uphold my investment in what and who I value.

[Cbrider]

Tell her if she wants to control something, to buy a dog.

The clubs thing is a bit stupid, she needs to trust you more than that, unless you have given her a reason not to.

The friend is kind of a touchy thing, its going to be a personal decision on your part. She should be indifferent about it since she is dating you now, but I can understand her pain.

[Gribble]

A) Dump her.

B) Dump her.

[Thelovedoctor]

The club thing I can completely understand. you know, skanks to hit on and skanks hitting on you e.t.c. So, just so what any guy does in this kind of situation, and buy your own booze and drink at home. Better yet, invite a few buddies over on a friday night and have a little shindig. Even better yet, ask her if she wants to come along to the clubs. If she says no to every single one of these alternatives, then it's not an insecurity, but a control issue. If that's the case, then you have to set her straight.

The friend thing is quite touchy either way. Obviously she knows the guy and has done something rotten to her, and in some cases, she has done something to him and she doesn't want you knowing about it from him, or maybe she's worried that he'll try to convince you to leave her. I know my brother's fiance really didn't trust my brother's longtime buddy from when they were kids(and they never even dated). As it turns out, she had every right not to because the buddy backstabbed, possibly stole(seeing how things went missing when he was around) and lied to my brother. So maybe there is something she knows about him that you don't. You can know a person for years and never see the darker side of them untill years later.

If he is a legit friend of yours, just sit down and try talking to her about it and come up with some compromises. If you can't, then give her an ultimatum. tell her if you can't see one of your friends, then she can't see one of her friends because they may be a bad influence on you or some made up stupid excuse you can think of, and see what she does. if she flips out and trys to tell you she'll see so and so whenever the **** she wants, then simply reply, "then I guess I'll see my buddy whenever I want, then" basically, just put her on the spot and see if it's simply being insecure or being a control freak. listen carefully to her tangent. listen to key phrases like
"you can't tell me what to do....."
"because I said so"
"I'll see......whenever I want"
(just to name a few)
that'll tell you right off if she's just being controlling or just plain insecure.

She won't like it, but sometimes you have to challenge her orders in order to get some flexability or at least a reason. If she can't give you either, then she's most likely not in an honest relationship with you(not to be confused with cheating) or she wants to control you.

either way, you'll find out.

[Yggdrasil]

They're both simple. I don't go out to clubs anymore and I don't befriend the guy. I modify my behavior to uphold my investment in what and who I value.

If she tells you to jump of a building you'll do that to?

[lovesjoyajm]

If she tells you to jump of a building you'll do that to?

Oooh.

Are you trying to mess with whayward?

[Yggdrasil]

Oooh.

Are you trying to mess with whayward?

Maybe. or maybe I simply asked a question

[whaywardj]

If she tells you to jump of a building you'll do that to?

Don't be an ass.

[Yggdrasil]

Don't be an ass.

I am not being an ass.

I am trying to figure out why one would have to 'modify' ones behaviour and give up hanging out or having fun. Because she said so?

If there's trust in a relation I don't see why either partner can't persue their own interests or hobbies, or have their own friends.

People aren't joined at the hip.

And the way I see it, that persons g/f is pretty controlling by telling him what he can and can not do. It's not like he's doing something wrong.

Unless he's an alcoholic or becomes abusive when he's drinking, there's no reason what so ever to tell him where he can and can't go.

As far as it comes to his friend: if his g/f is so immature she can't get over her feelings or resentment for his friend (her ex appearantly), that's not his problem either.

And saying something like: if become friends with this person, our relation is over, well, if that isn't control then I don't know what it is. It's certainly not a boundary.

It is perfectly normal for couples to have friends of your own and couple friends. And you don't have to like your partners friends, but you have to respect them, unless of course those friends cause damage to the relation (which hasn't been mentioned nor appears to be the case).

[IndiReloaded]

They're both simple. I don't go out to clubs anymore and I don't befriend the guy. I modify my behavior to uphold my investment in what and who I value.

Ygg, I think you're focussed on the wrong part of Hayward's post.

'Modify' just implies what should be obvious: our entire lives are lived in flux. I think he's just saying he makes his choices according to what's important to him, in this case, the person he has chosen to invest his time in. He's saying the OP could consider doing the same.

In other words, if they aren't important enough to value in this way, perhaps they shouldn't be with that person?

[Yggdrasil]

Ygg, I think you're focussed on the wrong part of Hayward's post.

'Modify' just implies what should be obvious: our entire lives are lived in flux. I think he's just saying he makes his choices according to what's important to him, in this case, the person he has chosen to invest his time in. He's saying the OP could consider doing the same.

In other words, if they aren't important enough to value in this way, perhaps they shouldn't be with that person?

That's not how I read it and if that's what he meanth its poorly worded.

[IndiReloaded]

Its Haywards style. He tends to distill problems down to essentials. You get used to it. Shrug.

[Yggdrasil]

Its Haywards style. He tends to distill problems down to essentials. You get used to it. Shrug.

Yep, it's not worth arguing over. I am quite sure Hayward will shed some clarity into it.