Dump her or keep her? What do you make of this...?

[Freefalling]

News flash. I just discovered that there were actually girls at the gathering...4 of them...5 with her. They came later on though. And she didnt even know them. I can see why you would assume that she is a "pro"...but she definately isnt. Dont ask me how i know. I just do. So her being a pro is totally out of the question. Sorry for the wrong info. I just found out myself. But the fact that there were girls at the party doesnt make it any better for me. She still went with a guy whom she had sex with...and to his place. She didnt have any of her girlfriends with her. The place had drugs and alcohol. Let me paint the picture for you so you could get a clearer picture:
Imagine a girl sitting down on the couch, in a room that has more guys than girls. The house shes in belongs to a guy she messed around with. She is dressed extremely provocative. There is music playing and there are guys sitting with her on the couch. The guys are flirting with her, touching her, and she is laughing. She goes home at 10 in the morning.
Now this girl just happens to have a bf who was not with her that night. And this bf happens to be me.

[The_bobb]

Yeah, and for all you know, they were sitting around playing Fusion Frenzy on the Xbox... But you don't know because you didn't go. If you were SO worried about this situation, you should have went.

But you weren't worried, were you? Because i'm guessing you've been thinking of getting rid of her for awhile. Women 8 years younger than you might be a little annoying. So you sabotaged your own relationship. And your using this whole ordeal (which you created) as a catalyst to end the relationship guilt free.

[Aeradalia]

Others might already be thinking this... but dump her already... you don't need to add drama and though it would be nice, you don't really need a valid reason to leave someone.

If you're not happy with her.. then that's a good enough reason. The worse thing you can do is waste each others time on a relationship that goes no where.

It's clear that you don't trust her... without trust, you'll eventually lose respect for her... and then without respect your love for her will fade. I'd say, leave now before you hurt her even more...

[IndiReloaded]

News flash. I just discovered that there were actually girls at the gathering...4 of them...5 with her.

And how do you know THIS, Freefall? I'm more inclined to believe this, but your story is a moving target.

[alovehangoverr]

News flash. I just discovered that there were actually girls at the gathering...4 of them...5 with her. They came later on though. And she didnt even know them. I can see why you would assume that she is a "pro"...but she definately isnt. Dont ask me how i know. I just do. So her being a pro is totally out of the question. Sorry for the wrong info. I just found out myself. But the fact that there were girls at the party doesnt make it any better for me. She still went with a guy whom she had sex with...and to his place. She didnt have any of her girlfriends with her. The place had drugs and alcohol. Let me paint the picture for you so you could get a clearer picture:
Imagine a girl sitting down on the couch, in a room that has more guys than girls. The house shes in belongs to a guy she messed around with. She is dressed extremely provocative. There is music playing and there are guys sitting with her on the couch. The guys are flirting with her, touching her, and she is laughing. She goes home at 10 in the morning.
Now this girl just happens to have a bf who was not with her that night. And this bf happens to be me.

I'm pretty hung up on the "she sat on a couch and just talked," to them thing.. Of course there was flirting, but again-- they'll be flirting in any situation.

Unless she cheated on you or something, I'd still call breaking up with her over this out of line on your part.

[Freefalling]

Because i'm guessing you've been thinking of getting rid of her for awhile. Women 8 years younger than you might be a little annoying. So you sabotaged your own relationship. And your using this whole ordeal (which you created) as a catalyst to end the relationship guilt free.

Appreciate your psychoanalysis. But you couldnt be more wrong!
Alot of y'all are assuming that id been wanting to dump her before all this party thing happened and that im just using this as an excuse to bump her...as some sort of a justification. Well let me clear the misunderstading. I DO LOVE THE GIRL AND IM NOT USING THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO DUMP HER. If i wanted to dump her i could have done that long time ago...without any problems. The reason im posting on here with this problem is because i feel like what she has done is real serious and i wanted to get your opinion on it. Simply...i wanted advice. I didnt want to get rid of her...i want to be with her because i love her. But then... If she is doing things a person in a relationship is not supposed to do...then i dont want her. Thereore, maybe i need a few pointers as to what is appropriate and not appropriate for a person is a relationship to do. There are somethings that are not appropriate for a person in a relationship to do...some are common knowledge, such as...infidelity. So i was just wondering if what she did is considered to be "wrong"?

[alovehangoverr]

Appreciate your psychoanalysis. But you couldnt be more wrong!
Alot of y'all are assuming that id been wanting to dump her before all this party thing happened and that im just using this as an excuse to bump her...as some sort of a justification. Well let me clear the misunderstading. I DO LOVE THE GIRL AND IM NOT USING THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO DUMP HER. If i wanted to dump her i could have done that long time ago...without any problems. The reason im posting on here with this problem is because i feel like what she has done is real serious and i wanted to get your opinion on it. Simply...i wanted advice. I didnt want to get rid of her...i want to be with her because i love her. But then... If she is doing things a person in a relationship is not supposed to do...then i dont want her. Thereore, maybe i need a few pointers as to what is appropriate and not appropriate for a person is a relationship to do. There are somethings that are not appropriate for a person in a relationship to do...some are common knowledge, such as...infidelity. So i was just wondering if what she did is considered to be "wrong"?

I don't think what she did was "wrong" enough to warrant some sort of break up.

She had plans to go to a party, she begged you to go and you said no. So she went through with those plans. She hung out with some guys and girls [doesn't really matter if she knew the girls.. I'm sure you've been to parties where you don't know everyone] and sat on a couch and talked to some people then came home. Unless she cheated on you and you have solid proof about that.. I don't see what you're expecting us to say? She's a 20 year old girl who went out and partied.. you might not approve of the people she's partying with, but unless she's doing something wrong with them.. there shouldn't be this big issue.

The only thing I would question her about is why she feels the need to hang out with guys she's previously hooked up with? Are these friends of hers? Were they friends of her before the hooking up? Because I've kissed a couple of my guy friends over the years, but that doesn't mean we're not on a friends only basis now.

What it comes down to is you trusting her to make the right choice by you and not cheat or do anything to hurt you.

Asking her to give up her friends, not go out, not do this/that/the other just so you feel comfortable doesn't seem very realistic. She's able to make her own choices, and if they're not ones you agree with.. end the relationship. I just don't find it very believable that you didn't know she was like this before dating her given that you knew her for a year prior.

[Freefalling]

So basically, you guys are saying if one day you didnt feel like going out...you are ok with a guy coming to pick up your gf from your place so they could go and chill at his place.
AND she coming back they next day...right?

[alovehangoverr]

So basically, you guys are saying if one day you didnt feel like going out...you are ok with a guy coming to pick up your gf from your place so they could go and chill at his place.
AND she coming back they next day...right?

What exactly did you expect her to do? She had plans, she invited you, you declined, so she went through with her plans.

She went to a PARTY. You're acting like she had this guy pick her up, they went on a private date, and then went back to his house alone to chill.. which doesn't seem to be the case at all. It seems like this guy volunteered to pick her up, he would have been picking you up too but you refused. So he picks her up alone, takes her back to his place where there are quite a few other people, she hangs out and comes home the next day. If she didn't have a ride back that night and was possibly drinking, then that's a good reason to stay.

Like I've said before.. unless she cheated on you, it just sounds like a girl who went out to party with no other intentions. Again, you may not like the people it was with.. but unless she did something to damage the relationship, I don't see how you can break up with her over it. I get why you're upset, because you feel she's putting herself in a situation where something COULD happen.. but the bottom line is: she's free to make her own choices. You may not like all of them.. but they're still her choices. And just because something COULD happen, doesn't mean something WILL happen. Again, it's all her choice.

If you want to talk to her maturely and calmly about why these things made you uncomfortable, go for it.. but as for completely changing how she is? Good luck. You sitting here telling her how to dress, who to see, what to do when she goes out isn't an effective way of getting your point across-- it just makes you come off like a controlling ass.

[Freefalling]

I hear ya alovehangoverr. What about the rest of y'all.

[carl1222]

I keep going back in forth on this because neither of you are entirely blameless. Indeed, if parties are that important to her, and so distasteful to you, you may have a compatibility problem that can't be resolved to either of your satisfaction and you may be better apart. You can't be happy if you try to control her life and she tries to control yours. Try to find a compromise. As for who's to blame, I would call it a draw ... both of you were being controlling.

As for getting picked up by a guy she was once intimate with ... Ordinarily I would agree with you that that's out of bounds. But you pretty much forced her into the situation. There are several things you COULD have done like 1) going to the party, or 2) at least driving her there and picking her up. As for who's to blame, mostly you.

As for the sexy outfit. Girls don't go to parties dressed like librarians ... at parties, girls like to look sexy, even if they are attached. For all the scandalous nature of her top, in truth it was probably less revealing than what she wears at the beach. Indeed, this was probably one of the main reasons she was so insistant on having you come along. As for who's to blame, nobody.

As for being flirted with. You can't hold her responsible for what other men may or may not do. Another thing that young girls like is attention. What you CAN hold her responsible for is if her behavior was beyond the bounds of faithfulness. If you knew she was doing anything physical or sexual, then she's dead wrong and deserves to be dumped. But you really don't know that. As for who's to blame, if anyone, the guys.

As for coming home at 10AM. It's unlikely that anybody at the party was willing or in any condition to drive her home that night. If she didn't get home until late afternoon it would be different. 10AM seems the reasonable amount of time needed to sleep it off and get her ass home. As for who's to blame, nobody ... it's to her credit.

Under the circumstances and considering that you could have done more to protect her from the situation, I think dumping her was extreme assuming you really want to be together.

Carl.

[Freefalling]

Just to update you guys. Turned out she had sex that day....meaning she cheated.
Found out last night. Dumped her today.
Thanks for your help.

[Doc Durian]

At least someone else got your sloppy seconds.