get engaged or break up - but its hard to leave

[gotomars]

hi

thanks in advance for anyone who spends time with advice.

i'm in a very tough place right now and the weight on my heart is heavy. i don't know what to do. my girlfriend and i live together and have been together now 5.5 years. at about 2.5 years i noticed our fights, our arguing style, debates, and how conflict gets resolved or unresolved is very different. in fact it was and has been a deal breaker for me because her default is to yell and dominate the conflict - and thus communication dies. this really hurts me, for reasons i wont go into, but i try to counter this with listenting and giving her a chance to express her self - but in the end i don't get heard or treated kindly nor can i stop the rage or counter defensive. its a bad pattern and one i was committed to working out with her, and working out my contribution (namely defensiveness and too much explaining) - because i love her.

we have been to couples counseling and for the most part we did not get too far - thus the feelings i had surrounding the destructive conflict/resolutions were swallowed. in fact she has told me she resents me taking her there because she thinks therapy is only for premarital status. i have used all the advice i can get to work with my partner and diffuse fights, including reading the gottmans books.

at present, we are about to break up and she has left me with one ultimatum. make a commitment of marriage, ie we need to get engaged before she would be willing to work/comprimise on this. i empathize that 5.5 years is a long time and she is concerned about being with someone who will provide the family dreams she has. i have searched myself and can't find away to wrap my head around this. Make a commitment with someone for life - yet still feel very uncertain i will be 'taken care of' in times of conflict - especially when times will be more stressfull and our finances and family are intertwinned.

do people get engaged like this. in my understanding they don't and spend their committed dating life trying to get enough assurance that this is the right person and that you can 'work' with this person in future dilemmas. the thing that is hard is that she claims that she could treat me better if we were engaged. i'm having a hard time believing this -perhaps if its not happening now it will never happen and our conflict style is not a match. i'm trying to figure out if we should move on or if i should basically get engaged and take a wary leap of faith. thanks for reading this - sorry its so long.

[damn2008]

Dude...break-up

She's backing you into a corner for engagement and even so the "promise" of stuff getting better is not going to work.F' that...grow some balls because she will dominate any marriage and you'll be unhappy.

Engagement should be whole-heartedly..not forced like this. Break-up because ultimately you want happiness out of any relationship.

[gotomars]

thanks damn2008 for your response. actually i'm finding that a commitment to get engaged in about a year is what she needs to feel committed to working on the relationship. this is more in my comfort zone, however i'm not sure how to make a commitment while being unsure if we can work this out. most people try their best i guess - but you can't say that - only a promise is acceptable, and i hate to do that and break a promise if it doesn't work out. i'd like to atleast give all my options a try before quitting. she is a great woman otherwise and i love her - but i know i can't live with the fighting.

[Bumble_bee]

engaged or not, do you want to be with someone who only wants to work on the relationship on her own terms....as aboce F..that!

you wanna be with someone who says actually I wanna work this out becasue I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 5+ years is a long time of emotional investment, but a lifetime of her bullying you ( what it sounds like) into commitment is not going to fix her over dominant behaviour, in fact it will probably get worse.

You need to turn the ultimatum around and tell her unless she is willing to work on the relationship with you, you cannot comit to marriage, becasue when you do you want it to be what you both want, and not her trying to back you into a corner.

control freak comes to mind here....want that for life?

[Bumble_bee]

clearly I cannot spell because...hmmmm