Boundary Issues

[Dante72]

Hello everyone, I'm new to Love Forum and this is my first post.

I've been single for 6 months now and prior to that I was in a relationship for a little over a year. We'll call my ex-girlfriend "Jamie" I'm starting to date again and I'm seeking advice regarding boundary issues and what has become acceptable/unacceptable. I guess I'll start with an example from my previous relationship.

Jamie and I were at a party for her friend's birthday. There was drinking, eating and live music at a private room in a restaurant/lounge. A male friend of hers who she's known for about ten years would pinch her ass every time he walked by her and when posing for silly photos he'd grab her boobs. at the end of the night as her and I were leaving hand in hand he said to her "you have a sweet ass - i wanna grab it" and he did. she laughed and pulled away and then we went home. When I confronted her about it she said that it was no big deal and thats just how theyve always been with each other. Of course I told her that it made me very uncomfortable and I didn't appreciate it, but she blew it off. A similar thing happened at a party about 4 months later with another old friend of hers.

We had a couple discussions about boundaries and making out with other people and we seemed to differ there too. I consider making out to be cheating once I'm in a committed relationship with someone. She told me that she would be pissed off if she found out that I was kissing another girl, but that it's really not that big of a deal.

The thing is, she is an intelligent, creative, caring person...who was there for me on numerous occasions but I didn't feel that she respected me. She would argue that "bending" for me in the relationship would be like "changing" herself and then thats where resentment builds. To me, telling her guy friends that shes in a relationship and they need to back off with the touchy-feely (whether I was there or not) isn;t asking too much. The sad thing is, I don't think she wanted them to back off.

I'm now finding that some other women feel the same way as her. Am I too old -fashioned and is it me that needs to alter my expectations?? by the way, for age reference - I'm 37 and she's 35

Dante

[Doc Durian]

Sane well adjusted people find her actions to be in bad taste, disrespectful, and perfect reason to avoid her like the plague.

[Yggdrasil]

Just let's say that such crap wouldn't fly with me either. That has nothing to do with being old fashioned and everything to do with respect.

Certain things are simply not acceptable when someone respects him or herself.

I can't see this going well in the long run.

[Anonyman]

Just let's say that such crap wouldn't fly with me either. That has nothing to do with being old fashioned and everything to do with respect.

Certain things are simply not acceptable when someone respects him or herself.

I can't see this going well in the long run.

Agreed

I have definitely pulled those kinds of jerks aside and told them how I felt, personally I feel that this is the most direct and honest way of dealing with these issues.

That being said there is always the potential for a physical confrontation, something I abhor, but can handle. This has only happened to me once considering I am usually the biggest guy around, but be prepared if you take my advice.

[IndiReloaded]

I suggest you find someone with standards similar to your own.

But, FWIW, I have a couple really old male (>10 years) friends. They would never pinch my ass. That kind of behaviour is just disrespectful.

And yes, making out with someone else while in a relationship is cheating.

Don't let her pull the 'I'd feel like your changing me' psych trick on you. Some behaviour *should* be changed, at least if she wants to keep dating you. Tell her so.

[bloodtippedrose]

youre not asking too much and not alot of woman are like that, just the loose ones youre associating yourself with.