My life, problems, others

[carlosbarn]

Hello, I have some need for help.

Since my young years, I realize I been placed in this world by a bunch of morons. Since the beggining of my memories, I can still remember my father the way he treated the family.

He tended to constantly hit my mother when I'm not watching, though I know when I'm awake because I can usually hear furnitures moving violently and sometimes they even fought outside my room, which I can remember not from sight because I was asleep, but my dreams have materialized from what I hear which accounted for a great majority of my nightmares when I was young and wasn't till I was older that I realized that.

He is a white suprimecist, believing that blacks will bring the country down and the white male is going to be brought down (oh and that aids is only a gay disease and africa is stealing money from the government from lying). He drinks even today about 8 cans of beer at night and that's when he loves spanking the childern, sometimes even punching us for not calling him "sir" though when we did "learn" he told us not to call him that. His little nickname to everyone when he was drunk used to call my sister "smart ass", my other sister "dumb ass", my mother "cheap ass", and me "Fat ass". He stopped being so physically violent since he's grown older though still smarts off.

My mother has always stayed back, never mouthing off to anyone and even after those times where my father hits everyone, she just sits back because she's afraid for herself, yet won't even try to get a divorce because when she even talked about it, my father hired a lawyer almost immediately whether he's good or not I can't remember, but my father has 2 jobs accountant and flys a helicopter and even rented apartments some so I'm sure he hired a good lawyer and my mother fears she can't live without financial aid he provides even if it means suffering.

She just comes to me and complain... and complain... and complain. When I give her advice to break up with her husband, or to take up for her teachers (and if she gets layed off, go to another school), or many things because... she still says she can't because she doesn't want to be fired. Though almost every negative thing I said that'd happen with her did happen. I lost most respect to her, I still love her since she is a great mother, though I disrespect her as a woman.

This is from my past so a little into future... preschool.
I don't remember much about preschool and so I'm only going to say I was kicked out of 7 preschool according to my school records. The only thing I remember was that I wasn't able to speak english till I was about 6 years old (do take in fact that my childhood my family and I were in germany for quite some time, till I was 5 when we moved back (I was america born in a military base in Alabama)) Many kids used to fight me and pick on me. Whenever the teacher comes, everyone blames it on me. I used to be so frustrated because of my incapability to fully understand the english language. Nobody ever helped me with anything, could be maybe I never asked for help, but


Kindergarden though I do remember myself knowing how to talk by then, I was the most hated kid in school because I was doing whatever I wanted (though I was still nice to everyone). I just had a lack for caring their rules. Somebody who I know now thinking back used to say "I have cooties" and put their fingers in a cross and childern even ran from me when I was close. This shitty joke haunted me till late 4th grade. I used to be beaten up every day and the toys I brought to share was always broken. My family (sisters and mother) told me they'd do something about it, never did anything.

The things I did were considered "wrong" by school, I never was taught better since I never had anyone to tell me what's right and what's wrong so many people considered me retarded in grade school. I was being considered to be place in special education and if not for my SAT scores, I might have been.

When I wasn't in school, I was at St. Anthony, a daycare who overpriced their daycare but were the only afterschool daycare that the bus passes. I hang around guys who beat me up, insulted me, and everything else. Reason why is they were still playing soccer, a sport which I love and if I found anyone who did more than lay on their ass I'd play it more. Not to mention they were doing a great deal of activity because I hate sitting around doing nothing. So I had to deal with it no matter how much I complained. The adults never watched outside though, and if I fought back I was punished because the boy I punched tattled on me so I am bruised from head to toe and sitting in a corner or doing house work.

So many times, the only time when anyone held me more than a playtoy to take out their anger on is when they needed me for help. I helped them... why I don't know now maybe I just was grateful for the small kindness in my life even if it was false.

Finnally, after I brought some toys that were about $40 which I thought was the coolest thing ever (it was those toys that kick and punch when you spin them). Once again, brought to daycare, the kids enjoyed them... then took them... then threw it time and time against the fence until it broke. I fought, they put me in time out while everyone else was outside, I punched the worker, got kicked out of their daycare.

The money my mother saved from not sending me to daycare from then on helped pay for our vacation.

I discovered newgrounds, a site to which I came to every day since the 4th grade (Which how I found it I don't even know, to be completely honest I think it was back when I typed a bunch of random url address to see what I get out of fun since I found out my mothers password, getting me past the shitty AOL parental controls and into real life). I haven't registered till aparantly 03' to comment on "There she is!" and was absolutely enthralled. Newgrounds has been my escape from life seeing artists who put down different things most random and interesting to watch. I wish to this day to be a artist, I am pretty good though I over-criticize myself and don't like to post it till I color them because I think they look like shit till they are (unfinished art I don't like posting half-done things) and make a few flashes. I still hope to achieve this goal but not until I finnally buy a stylus pad and get photoshop so I can, as I always dream of, make some of the flashes from the things I see in my head. Some realistic/sci-fi things, but especially horror is one genre I can do. (I am quite known in kanawha county for my comedy writings, but I don't feel my comedy doesn't paint a proper story as well as what I mentioned).

I also found xerocreative.com which was during the time when yugioh didn't suck imo and after my parents caught me stealing money to buy cards, this was how I lived (along with starcraft). Everyday I played and customized my decks to find the best way to fully show the talents of something that nobody else wanted to try, a gift I always had for I have to get everything perfect imo of what I make before I present it so the things I do present is usually great.

Soon (after they released Envoy of the end/Envoy of the beggining) I stopped playing the game altogether tired of those two decks dominating.

Anyways, by third grade I met a friend named Mathew Martin, I hanged around him because he was the only person I that wanted me around him. Though, soon I realized that the only time he ever wanted to "Hang" was when he needed me to do something for him and kicked my ass when he was around other guys and never hanged out again afterwards. Same with Max Cooper (Though instead of kicking my ass, he smashed the house windows, smashed through the door, and stole a bunch of shit and was caught with his buddies). Why? Why? Why? I'm differn't I know, I act differn't and I'm weird, but am I really worth being casted out of socioty as a peice of shit?

Even my childhood friend, John Benna whom I am not friends with just recently used me just to do his work, which his father noticed. I never liked him because of his nagging manners, his laziness, and his stupidity, but I did stay around with him because I got things from his father. I laughed openly, cried a little on the inside when my father was asking JJ's dad what I liked when I was 15 because he never tried to know who I am, even now I am just a tool for him to look good with the republican party.

At 5th grade, suddenly, I was liked. Not just liked, but almost the most popular kid in school because I was so nice, did cool things, and can sing. I kept my distance from everyone even when they liked me, to this day I keep my distance just to talk to someone and help them. I am a tool, still a tool, but I was getting respect.

Throughout the school years, I barely tried in school and got a high C, have high ACT scores, and was popular though I never had a girlfriend. In fact, I never have a single girlfriend even now. I keep my distance and become cold to everyone. I can lift over 200 pounds tons of muscles, 6''4, and "The jolly giant" my friend whitley called me.

(Fast forward to after highschool)
I was accepted to marshal for computer programming hoping it'd be cool, but the room mate was a religious nutjob. By religious nutjob, he was criticising me for everything I did and I could never have any alcohol or weed in there because of the worry he would rat me out. I knew nobody over at marshal because everyone I knew went to WVU. I nearly went insane at marshal because of the combined efforts of the complaints of my room mate and the fact that I distanced myself so much at marshal that I never made any friends. My only comfort is the internet. My greatest source of knowledge is the internet. Every lick of sanity I hold dearest because of the internet.

Soon, my father decided even though he gave me same choice as my sisters for him to help me with college or car, I choose college. After the first year, my father forced me to go to west virginia state which is the school computer I'm typing from right now. I try being friendly and talking to people, but once again, they are a group already made and pretty much treated me like shit. I hate this university, a place of linear thinking and idiot professors some of which are teaching subjects they have no education in.

I want out of here, but I don't know what to do. Everyones a ****ing moron, everyone sucks. What I truely want to do is move out of my parents house of perpetual depression and into my own apartment with someone where I may practice hobbies unjudge and not going to be discouraged on my parents "You shouldn't be drawing you should be doing homework (several times she said that before tearing up my drawing even though I did my homework thinking she's doing what's best), don't practice your saxophone it's too noisy play the piano (I'm great at piano and she loves me to play the piano since "I'm a natural", but it doesn't have the same flow as a saxophone)." What I truely want to do is make myself more trusting to other people, but I won't allow myself to which is why I can't even get a girlfriend. What I truely want to do is to head back to marshal or better wvu and actually learn instead of just living. I can't even concentrate on work it's so easy and it's affecting my grade. I just don't know what to do and for once want someone to help me, to point in a direction that I can travel. For something to go right.

I said so much, probably more about myself than any other time in my life and to a group of strangers none the less, but I stopped caring, fearing or anything some time ago that I can't even remember when. I just want help somewhere, from someone.

(I was sent one time to the psychiatrist, but I never liked him because he was the caring type thinking I needed someone to care about me, when I know he's just faking it for the money I studied body language so much just so I can stop being so gullible (not to mention he was a religious nut too). I also didn't say much to him because my mother is right outside the doors and she will never find out just how little respect I have for her until the grave she lays out of my own love nor about the troubles I have. I will always remain to her as her perfect little boy because I am the only happiness she has and I feel like she'll just crawl up into a corner and die otherwise.)

[Sanctuary]

Holy shit this guy wrote like his life story.

I didn't read everything but seems like the world hasn't been kind to you, and now you're an angry person. But you gotta learn to play with the cards that you've been dealt.

I can't tell you how to live your life or where to go but what are your goals? What do you wanna do in this world?

You don't trust people cuz they haven't been nice to you throughout life so you put on some kind of armor.

You can trust me though cuz I'm not pretending to care - I actually don't give a shit lol.

In the long run we are all dead (John Maynard Keynes).

[Bumble_bee]

the trust issue is preventing you from getting the help you need,
if you have no one to open up to, then i think you should reconsider therapy...

[carlosbarn]

Holy shit this guy wrote like his life story.

I didn't read everything but seems like the world hasn't been kind to you, and now you're an angry person. But you gotta learn to play with the cards that you've been dealt.

I can't tell you how to live your life or where to go but what are your goals? What do you wanna do in this world?

You don't trust people cuz they haven't been nice to you throughout life so you put on some kind of armor.

You can trust me though cuz I'm not pretending to care - I actually don't give a shit lol.

In the long run we are all dead (John Maynard Keynes).

The reason why I had to write my life story was mainly a proof to you that I'm not being like one of my friend who has to cry over everything that happens to him. I merely wrote that to give you a viewpoint of why I think the way I do. Otherwise, you could think of me as a evil emo asshole whose trying to look for attention.

Lol I know you don't give a shit, and actually I prefer talking to people who don't give a shit about me (hence why I love the internet). Those who are nice to me are the type of people who'll want to leech off me till I leave. Not even saying goodbye, just ignoring them since I have no want to tell the other person to **** off. Because as everyone tells me I am too damn nice and I can't help it. Even if I hate someone with a passion I have the pressing want to help them.

I just don't want the feeling of being a tool anymore, to feel like there's someone irl I can talk to and not just because I know what they don't know, just got paid, stronger than most people, etc. Few people I have talked to and those people have moved away either to college, died, or god knows where.

The only help I want though is not a therapist, from someone more like a mentor, a person who can answer the questions I desperately seek

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In order to move out of my family's house, I must first get a job (which shouldn't take too long, I have a flexible work history all of which should be positive references since I have worked my hardest and they know it) and the work anyways I don't mind doing no matter how grimy or physically laboring it is.

The first obstacle which I have no clue to take on is how I can find someone to live with that's not a total nutcase? When I was at marshal, I don't ever want to live with someone too self-righteous thinking he's better than everyone so he shouldn't do any damn thing, but don't want to be living with some drug dealer.

Then comes finding out how to file independent/get what I can from the government because if I'm dependent, my parents make too much money for me to be applicable for any grant money. I have no clue where to begin here at all.

Then comes easy part of finding apartment, which I prefer anywhere close to campus, as long as a bus goes there or if I can run there in 15 minutes, I'm good. Registering for college I have done before and know how to do that.

After all that's settled, filed in FASFA for grants/such while I beg to bank/online banks for student loans, hope that I can enough cash from somewhere to get shelter, food, essentials with only a part time job (since it's nearly impossible to get a full time job with full time college at least I heard)

Go to the college that I liked better, one that isn't filled with idiots for employees (b4 anyone says they're like that everywhere, I been to marshal as i said in my long ass post and they have a excellent staff to process my registration/etc.) and actually have groups in which I can join so I may hang out with other people other than "christian groups" and the groups that talk about how they're life is ****ed up and expect everyone to cry them a river.
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The big problem is I have to first be sure that once I'm out of my parents house, I don't want to ever be back again which is providing me major fear about doing.

In order for me to feel like I can, I want to be with a roommate that I can be sure won't trash up the house, try to "geek out" with drugs that can make a person crazy or annoy me (Which is hard to do since I can't stand being around my parents nagging me to help them so much (Since they are obviously incapable of things such as finding the remote in front of their face), I have locked up the door to my room and put on headphones to block out my parents. Anyone know any advertising I could try because I honestly don't know where

Another problem is I have not a clue who to go to change my files and obtain benefits as a independent poor american, which I can live off of while I finish college.

If I can know who to turn to, I can feel like I can be behind any problems I have, at least be able to work on my hobbies without feeling like a piece of shit for "not being productive", but I don't know who to turn to and any person I ask irl don't know.
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I believe I know the path I must take is this way, I just need a compass to know which way is this way @_@

PS: Bumble Bee i do trust people for their logic/wisdom. I just can't stand being around people for any other reason, mostly because I don't want to be stabbed in the back anymore. Just don't want the feeling of as I said "being a tool" and once I am done helping them they just continue treating me like shit.

[Sanctuary]

Sounds like you got things pretty well planned out.. kinda.

Another problem is I have not a clue who to go to change my files and obtain benefits as a independent poor american, which I can live off of while I finish college.

What benefits are you talking about specifically? Financial aid? Housing? Health insurance?

I know that unless you're 24 or older, you won't be recognized as "independent" for financial aid purposes but maybe it's different where you live.

[tendonk]

Thanks for the suggestion, I wish it had worked.