Helping someone with Depression

[kenneth1975]

I don't know about recommending her to ask his ex girlfriend about it. I can't see any good reason for a new girlfriend & ex girlfriend to communicate. That's usually not a pretty picture. What happened between him & his ex should remain between him & his ex. There is a reason we don't talk about exes during a new relationship.

[kenneth1975]

I think it is a bit unfair to judge the OPs motives for staying & helping him out. You don't know what's in her heart & what her agendas are. That's very presumptuous to jump to those kind of conclusions.

There are people in this world who are not so selfish to only care about what's in this relationship for them. They actually enter a relationship because they want to give to the other person instead of being preoccupied with what they can get out of the relationship.

[ecojeanne]

why would anyone purposely choose a partner with depression?! are you really that desperate? not wanting to be harsh but that's the reality of it

[IndiReloaded]

I guess I'm still trying to figure is this guy is really Depressed, or just trying to cope with some of life's crap. Sounds like the latter to me.

Anyway Muffin, post an update so we know what's up.

[Gigabitch]

I would have to be in love with someone in the first place to want to jump into dealing with depression. I don't think I could fall for someone who was as wrapped up in his own problems as this guy is.

[MVPlaya]

Serious question: is he taking his meds?

I've never been in a relationship with a girl who was suffering depression, but I've helped guy friends who had serious problems. All I can say is, be patient, be understanding, but don't take it personally if it doesn't work out. You cannot push someone who is depressed to better themselves. You can only move them so far, the rest has to come from them.

I want you to pay attention to Giga's quote by the way:

"Actions speak louder than words. He asks for your help, but when you offer him actual help, he shoots you down, and you know it. He wants your attention, not your help.

This does NOT mean that I think he's full of crap, just that you should see that it's caring he wants- not actual help."

Some people use the sad events of their lives for pity, to be cared for, to notice they have an impact on others around them and for attention. This type of behavior is extremely negative and, under the guise of helping someone, you are in fact enabling their user behavior and allowing a downward spiral to occur.

Do not think that by giving someone endless amounts of love and care that their problems are going to go away. I'm going to be really corny and quote a techno song that springs to mind:

"Look at this hole inside your heart
No one can ever fill
Its like the Grand Canyon"

You can give and give all you want and he will take and take, but the only thing thats going to stop his depressed behavior is him deciding he doesn't need to be coddled but needs to take responsibility for himself. Until he does that, your affections won't solve his problems. You need to be able to be firm with him, and patient all at once. Don't nag him, don't be upset when he fails, don't allow him to emotionally manipulate you when he resists you, just be honest and remind him of his responsibility to himself. The rest is his responsibility.