strange sexual frustration, is this normal?

[lonelylonghorn]

this post might end up being inordinately long, and for that i apologize in advance.

im a 19 year old college student. you can guess where based on my screen name. im of south asian origin, but i was born and raised in the states and im about as whitewashed as its possible to be. people who hear me talk before they see me in person are often shocked to find im not white. not that ethnicity matters much, but it might be important for this discussion. i dont consider myself unattractive, in fact i know i shouldnt be, physically at least. i have an average, basically athletic frame, broad shoulders, and a reletively photogenic face. im not fat, dont have any unsightly growths or anything, and most of my female friends describe me as handsome.

last fall, my freshman year, i had my first relationship. it lasted 2 weeks and i amounted to a glorified rebound. i lost the girl i was with because she went back to a person she'd been with for a year, which i suppose is understandable in the end. i was stupid to pursue a relationship with somebody so fresh off of one that had lasted so long. as far as intimacy, the farthest ive gone with a girl (the one i had the 2 wk thing with, obviously) is french kissing. i mean mostly just kissing lips, kissing necks, nothing involving the genitals or breasts or whatever.

the day before she dumped me, i did probably the dumbest thing ive ever done and asked her how far she and the other guy had gone physically. she told me 3rd base. it hit me like a ton of bricks. to look at her she looks sooo innocent and everything, and i mean again i suppose in perspective, being with a person for a year and going that far isnt exactly moving fast, but the fact that she was experienced in that way shocked me considerably. long story short, she could tell i was disgusted. we didnt fight, in fact i just kinda shoved the subject aside, got drunk for the first time that night, and told her the next day i was ok with it and i couldnt fault her for having done something in the past that i suppose is perfectly normal with somebody youve been with for that long. basically i resolved not to think about it, since it was something she had done as opposed to something she was doing. then she dumped me and went back to him. naturally images of my ex going down on some skinny dude whos smaller than her populated my head and drove me crazy. to a certain extent they still do, a year later, but they dont pop up near as much and they are much easier to shake away now.

the whole concept of sex spawns several problems for me. first of all, ive reached a point in my life where i feel pathetic for being both single and a virgin. im only 19, but in todays society to only be able to claim a single 2 week rebound as my relationship experience makes me feel pathetic, and inferior. i helped my ex's twin sister, who eventually became my best friend for about 8 months, get an abortion when she told me she was pregnant from some guy and she didnt have the money. (eventually she did pay me back). however it put a dent in our friendship cuz i would start fights with her every once in awhile. frankly it was... i dunno i guess JEALOUSY... but sometimes i just hated her for being sexually active. The fact that she continued to have sex with the dude who knocked her up (25 year old pizza place manager that she freely admits theres no long term potential with) didn't help matters.

By now I dont hang out with those two anymore, but thats their choice, not mine, and they occupy my thoughts a lot. Usually its that I miss them. My ex has been with the other guy now a grand total of 2 years, and I'm sure she too has become sexually active. The fact that they both are and I'm not bothers me to no end for some reason. They aren't the first people, nor the only people, I know who are sexually active, but for some reason it really burns that these particular girls are and IM NOT. I've even considered all manner of drastic measures, from paying for sex to being a total jerk and finding some drunk slut in a club somewhere and nailing her. Usually I realize that those are probably are bad ideas and never act on them.

Still, sometimes I just am so desperate to lose my virginity, or even just my oral virginity (recieve a blowjob), and it makes me very frustrated and angry.

The second facet of my problem is what causes a whole big mess with the first. I've never been able to picture myself having sex with a girl i've been interested in a relationship with. My ex? never wanted it with her. Never thought about it. In fact on occasions where my mind wandered to it for like a split second I would block it out. I certainly never wanted oral sex from her, actually I guess I see traditional intercourse as "purer" than oral sex. I say that because it would be easier for me to see myself just having sex with her than going down. In this case her can mean my ex or any romantic interest.

The only women I've ever been able to see myself having sex with are like, the kind you just check out on the street and are like "eh I wouldn't date her but I'd nail her." Guys I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. With those types its so easy to see myself doing anything sexually, but with women whom I'd consider a long term relationship with I've never wanted it or been able to picture it. It disgusts me to try.

Sometimes I think it would be easy if I could just find a relationship. Then it wouldnt matter if other people have had sex and I havent, and it wouldnt matter if I didn't want it with her and Id get there eventually, or whatever, but I'm so horridly picky and my type is so rare that its hard even to find a prospect. A potential interest. I mean I'm a brown guy with the personality of a white one. So personalitywise, the highest percentage would come from white girls, but to be honest most of them wouldnt give me a second glance, not necessarily out of racism or anything, but i mean if I had to guess, most white girls dont just see themselves with a brown guy. So this narrows my realistic field of girls to whitewashed brown girls, but I find that whenver I do find one who might actually be worth pursuing she's taken, and I've learned my lesson as far as going after girls who are in or have just left relationships :o

Anyway, I don't really know what to do with myself as far as this is concerned. It causes a lot of problems in my thought processes, and I am pretty sure that all that ^^ is not normal. Anybody with any comments on any part of the novel I just wrote, they are all appreciated.

Thanks for reading this far.

[squirrley]

First of all I commend you for being a virgin at 19, its rare. And you SHOULD be proud of it. Granted after reading your story, you'd rather not be at this point in your life. But the fact remains you have very high standards for yourself, and that is NOT a bad thing. You havent had much in experience in dating therefore, dont really have the emotional sexual feelings of being involved to that sexual extent. If youre correlating youre race to lack of sex, I dont think or Im not sure that really goes hand in hand. But, Im sure with the amount of time you spend thinking of such issues you find it has to some how relate. Its in your mind set that has to be the reason. Sometimes we get to thinking so much we justify things in our minds for it to make sense, and it works, and other times it just doesnt fly.

IMHO~It sounds to me like youre a really nice guy whose got high morals and doesnt view sex casually. Youve already taught yourself one lesson in life, and thats not to get involved with someone whose fresh out of another relationship. Lessons in life are good. We need those, good or bad, it makes us stronger in the long run. Im not sure why exactly youre so frustrated that your friends are sexually active and youre not?? The jealousy card you call, well if you REALLY were wanting to pursue a sexual relationship with someone, that jealousy would be resolved, but than where would you be with yourself? Its a wash. Think about yourself and not others, cause when it comes down to it, youve got yourself you have to answer to and no one else. How are YOU going to feel in the morning? Not them.

Id take a look at yourself and see where youre priorities stand. I think you should start dating around some, find people that show similar interests. Start to feel the dating world, what kind of woman you'd like as a partner, etc. Youre still young, and have plenty of time to explore the world out there! I will say if you go out and have random sex/pay for it or whatever you will regret it, you acknowledge it which is a good thing, so stay away from it. I think the best thing you could do, is just forget about what others are doing, and start having some fun in the dating scene. Date around some.

Seeing Im a female, I'm sorry I dont have the males perspective on the situation in what EXACTLY your are feeling. But I think in the long run youre going to thank yourself for waiting for the right woman.

[King Zarathu]

Wow.. Sounds like me and my g/f. She gets bothered to no end that I have screwed this mexican chick up the ass at age 11 after the ho gave me a blowjob. But--it's totally normal for you to feel that way because you've NEVER done something like that in your life and they HAVE. It shows you care dearly for them and you show some amount of protectiveness to them.

However, seeing as they both left, my best recommendation to you is forget them and move on with your life.

What I can SERIOUSLY recommend to you, is find a girl that has:
A) Never been in a relationship
A N D / O R
B) Is still a virgin in every way.

That should help your feelings a lot with you towards your next girlfriend.

[lonelylonghorn]

thanks for both of your comments.

LTsK8eR2gO, well both of you really, if only it was as easy as it sounds, to go find a woman who's still a virgin or has never been in a relationship. frankly, nowadays all the good ones have been in a relationship, and most of them probably arent virgins. And dating around some... i just dont even know where to begin. I hardly ever even see women anymore im attracted to or interested in dating and possibly pursuing a relationship with. Even if I did see one, or meet one (another huge problem, how the hell do I meet them), its more than likely she wouldnt be interested anyway. Sometimes I don't even understand why, but I just know that women aren't interested in me for some reason.

Maybe its cuz my standards are too high, but I have so much trouble lowering them. I mean my ex didn't just meet my standards, she raised them. She was gorgeous, and smart, and cute, the kind of girl whom I know for the most part wouldn't give me a second glance. If I could even see a girl like that I'd try, but I never do. It's just so hard for me, I don't know why it is.

[blue]

what kind of intrest do you have? hobbie etc..... thats how you can meet new people. go to a poerty reading, join a group or something. talk to people you dont have to hook up but just get to know different people, talk to the girl at the grocery store, video store, if you see a girl thats beutifull go for it take a risk talk to her..try to get to know her. talk to 10 new people a day!

[King Zarathu]

Sometimes the best women are found in the silliest places! Park, mall, in the grocery stores (not the women for rent ), etc.. Knowing how to do it is the key!

LoL.. everybody knows I love this one:

you're walkin in the streets, you see a hottie, you say:
"Hey.."
Her: Hey
*you stop and look at her as she walks past you* What?! Did my good looks scare you away?

there are much more other ways at [url]http://www.loveforum.net/showthread.php?t=4252[/url]
lol i'm such an obsessed freak with F&C, but hey, it works! I got a blowjob from using those techniques, which is why i'm so obsessed with it .

You sound like a VERY high class human being, and have high standards is very good, but you need to loosen up a little bit. Learn to drink with women and do things that are dangerous. A lot of the ladies think that's hott! Even though you are underage, it's still cool to drink a little bit. Hell, I snuck the vodka bottle out of my mom's fridge and got ****ing plastered, LOL! And I have extremely high standards for myself! Any grades in school below a 92 for me is unacceptable, even though 90% is still an A! Yet I looooooove hangin' out and playin' around--doin' stuff that might get me into trouble lol, just like the paper I lit on fire in school and had to go to court for with a 30-day expulsion period.

The ladies love me