Am I being neurotic or do I have reason?

[Desdemona]

Ok, probably a classic problem you've seen, but as somebody inexperienced in relationships, I need some outside perspective.
I am 21 (nearly 22) and I had never had a relationship or anything resembling much interest from guys for my whole life, the first 18 years were probably because part of my body was deformed although this is a personal issue I don't wish to share here and isn't particularly relevant to the current problem anyway. In any case it was not a visible deformity with my clothes on, but probably didn't help matters. However, this problem was resolved after I was 19, yet I still had no luck - you can read my other long thread on this forum if you click my profile for more info if need be...

However, a month ago, I met a guy where it finally seemed to click. We met at a Korean-English language exchange group (he is Korean) and we quickly knew that we were both interested in each other. He called me that night and we spoke for a couple of hours. Things continued swimmingly, he would go out of his way to call and meet me, although I didn't let this take over my life or allow myself to get attached too easily by doing things like constantly calling him, for fear of driving him away, although of course I showed my interest clearly and I would sometimes intitiate us meeting together. We became physically intimate and slept together which was another first. It seriously felt like winning the lottery. I had never experienced actually having this kind of intimacy before, ever. Having said that, I made sure that I didn't get carried away with these feelings and that while I very much wanted him, I didn't need him.

However, it seems in the last couple of days, he appears to have lost interest, or so it would seem. He called me one night but was busy and had to go, saying he would call me later (which he normally would) but didn't. I found this rather bizarre as he was the one who called me in the first place, but whatever, I didn't really make anything of it. Then I called him a couple of days later just to arrange a meetup, and he said Sunday was fine, he still seemed interested and we both didn't want to hang up the phone, that sort of thing, and he said he would call later again...which he didn't. In fact he didn't for 3 days, in which time I did not call him, as I thought that I would start to drive him away if I kept initiating contact, and since we were going to meet on Sunday anyway, it didn't matter. Then he sent me a text saying that he couldn't meet on Sunday, but to meet perhaps on a weekday, but given his lack of reliability recently, I don't know if he means it. I texted back that it was ok and that we could arrange it later.

My head is telling me not to make an issue of it, but my heart (or perhaps my neurotic, worrying side) senses that he is losing interest - what do you think? Am I worrying far too much over nothing? Even though we have only known each other a month, and for most people a relationship over such a period of time may not be important - it is to me. Growing up not being the person you truly are and having a deformed body (again, a personal issue I don't want to elaborate upon) meant I had NO romantic interest, and even when I sorted through those issues, nothing changed, and this is despite the fact that I make friends easily, and nobody seems to know why I have never had a relationship even though I have asked many people for honest answers. If it turns out he truly isn't interested, then, I can't do anything about that, but I'd just like to see what other perspectives there are.

[Primo]

No, you're definitely not being neurotic by asking, you have every right to see red flags going up everywhere.

I'll try to sum it up neatly for you and not write a novel. He got to know you, liked you and slept with you. The fireworks didn't go off, the initial crush/attraction quickly faded away and he's trying to break it off without hurting your feelings. He's disappearing, we do that as quickly and as silently as possible when for lack of a better term we "hit it' and then aren't interested.

It happens all the time, to both sexes.

[Desdemona]

No, you're definitely not being neurotic by asking, you have every right to see red flags going up everywhere.

I'll try to sum it up neatly for you and not write a novel. He got to know you, liked you and slept with you. The fireworks didn't go off, the initial crush/attraction quickly faded away and he's trying to break it off without hurting your feelings. He's disappearing, we do that as quickly and as silently as possible when for lack of a better term we "hit it' and then aren't interested.

It happens all the time, to both sexes.

The only thing is that after we slept together, he still seemed very much interested, and it was only a while after that this happened. It is still possible what you say is right, I'd just like to know why.

[bluedog81]

That is/was ur first relationship, and you sleep with him, in less than a month? sorry to say but guys see that as a cheap recreation, not a lasting relationship. learn the lesson and move on.

[Primo]

He probably had a good time, but it just didn't "happen" for him. You mentioned being intimate was your first time, I'm guessing not for him?

To give you an idea, I'm sure the other guys will back me up on this, if it was what I wanted, we'd be getting "intimate" in one way or another every free second we had since that first time.

There's really no why, the final but most important part of a relationship is the physical intimacy. Everything else can be great, but if that lacks the necessary luster, the relationship will end or drift into the friend zone very quickly.

Every indication is that he's avoiding you while still being friendly and making psuedo dates with you. Yes we do it...to spare feelings. It's just the way it is. It feels better than telling someone I'm really not crazy about you, thanks for the fu*k, but I want to meet someone else now.

[Primo]

That is/was ur first relationship, and you sleep with him, in less than a month? sorry to say but guys see that as a cheap recreation, not a lasting relationship. learn the lesson and move on.

I disagree completely with this. Every serious LTR I've had we were fu**ing like insatiable fiends after a few hours of our first date.

[Desdemona]

Also, I wouldl like to clear up that when I said that I slept with him, I meant literally "sleeping with him" - not actual sex - I am still in fact a virgin.

[Sanctuary]

Lol what a plot twist.

I'll let Primo answer this, he's got things under control.

[IndiReloaded]

This wasn't the guy who was already seeing someone else, was it Des?

[Desdemona]

Lol what a plot twist.

I'll let Primo answer this, he's got things under control.

Wow thanks for the support. Nice to see you enjoy reading other people's suffering. If you don't have anything constructive, don't bother writing anything.

To IndiReloaded - no, this is somebody completely different. I will give him one more chance to see if he's interested, if not, I'll give him a piece of my mind and move on.

[Primo]

Also, I wouldl like to clear up that when I said that I slept with him, I meant literally "sleeping with him" - not actual sex - I am still in fact a virgin.

Ya, you didn't word that very well at all.

As far as what I wrote, it doesn't change it unfortunately. He may come back to try and get that cherry of yours, but that would be about it. So be careful if it's something you value...

It just wasn't a "hit" this time. Don't let it bother you, most dates, most bf's or gf's, most times we get intimate with someone it's a miss. Otherwise every time people met and became intimate it would be a wonderful LTR. Hardly the case right? :-)

It's not a good feeling for the ego, but hey we've all been there so don't let it get you down.

[Sanctuary]

Wow thanks for the support. Nice to see you enjoy reading other people's suffering. If you don't have anything constructive, don't bother writing anything.

You're mean.

[IndiReloaded]

I disagree completely with this. Every serious LTR I've had we were fu**ing like insatiable fiends after a few hours of our first date.

With someone you barely knew? Wow, Primo you are a man-ho.

[Primo]

With someone you barely knew? Wow, Primo you are a man-ho.

If your panties are wrapped around our fingers by the time we're having our after first-date dinner coffee, you shouldn't fight the chemistry Indi, you know that ! :-)

Anyways, it's a terrible misconception for women to have. All of my lengthy relationships have started with Friday night's dinner ending Saturday morning. I've never went into something intimate with someone that I didn't have every intention of seeing again. There were some one night stands when sparks didn't fly (like our OP) but that's all part of finding what's good :-) I'm the opposite of a man-ho ! :-D

I do realize that some guys are definitely looking for one night stands, but I hope you girls are clever enough to see through it and keep your panties on in those cases :-P

[IndiReloaded]

If it works for you, Primo, power to you. Not my style. Chemistry just means you have genes that my immune system thinks will make a healthy offspring. Nothing to do with whether I think someone is suitable for an LTR.