Butt-Hurt about Being Excluded (Warning: Neurotic Post)

[lahnnabell]

Okaaay guys, give it to me straight and tell me I'm being retarded. I'm going to sound utterly whiny, and neurotic in this post, I know. Please don't patronize me, or insult me. I get that my question is probably not the sort a mature 25-year old woman should be asking. But I'm kinda neurotic, so there.

Anyway. My guy leaves for Mexico on Sunday for a 10-week immersion program. Tonight is his going away party with his friends (guys and girls) and they'll be getting absolutely hammered. I figured as much. However, there was no mention or indication that I was at all invited to this party. I've met and am on good terms with the guys that are throwing this shindig, so I don't feel like that is the issue here.

I've spent so much time with him in the last few weeks and he spoils me with attention, so I'm trying to chalk it up to him just needing time with friends. I didn't want to ask point-blank, "So why am I not invited?" I probably should've just swallowed my damn pride and asked. Guess I just feel butt-hurt and left out. Maybe I'm just cranky 'cause I'm gonna miss him. I dunno.

[Glith]

More than likely a combination of him wanting some time just with the guys, and the fact that sometimes we can get a little self conscious about bringing our girlfriend along, especially if the other guys aren't. You don't want your mates thinking you're incapable of socializing without your other half tagging along.

Later this year I'm going to a football game, it's a weekend away. 2 years ago i went with a couple of my mates. Last year they couldnt make it, so i took along my new girlfriend. This year, the guys are going again, saying they're looking forward to us all heading down there again. Problem is, my girlfriend enjoyed it last time...how do I tell her it's a guys only thing again this time?

Sounds like your boyfriend is just in a similar situation.

[lahnnabell]

This is a co-ed party. Forget to mention that. Though it is mostly some of his old friends and friends from school.

I'm not really the type of person to hang on my significant other throughout the whole night. I much prefer to go off and be social on my own terms. He knows this too.

Maybe he just wanted to feel slightly untethered tonight. It's not as though he didn't spend 2 hours previously cuddling with me and telling me how much he's going to miss me. I'm a spoiled brat I guess.

[Glith]

In the past I've always been in pretty clingy (time wise) relationships, and my current relationship is very different. It's good to be given the time to miss somebody. When you spend too much time with them you start to lose appreciation for your time together.
It's true that a bit of distance keeps you closer.

[lahnnabell]

I guess I just wish he could've said that he just wanted time with friends tonight. He said, "Oh, I'll miss you tonight". I didn't want to read into it, and so I just said, "It'll be good for you to have some solo friend time."

Then I made the mistake of calling my mom and whining to her. So she got all upset for me, of course. She told me to just talk to him about it, but I wasn't going to call him while he was on his way to the party just to whine and potentially ruin his night. That wouldn't have been fair of me to do.

Maybe I'll just buy a bottle of wine and watch "Jennifer's Body".

But thanks Glith. I get you, and you are right. I'll see him tomorrow (whenever he wakes up, that is!) and I'll be seeing him off at the airport as well.

[Aeradalia]

Time to dig out the movies you know he doesn't like... play some music that "isn't his thing," and chat it up with an old girlfriend on the phone and just have some 'you time.' If you want... dirty up the place a bit, (clean it up later.. of course)... and relax.

You're too busy thinking he's gone... to realize.. he's not here right now. Hell... walk around the house naked for absolutely no reason... Whatever strikes your fancy.

[lahnnabell]

Yeah, you're right. I should buy some chocolate, some wine, and just chill.

[phys251]

Okaaay guys, give it to me straight and tell me I'm being retarded. I'm going to sound utterly whiny, and neurotic in this post, I know. Please don't patronize me, or insult me. I get that my question is probably not the sort a mature 25-year old woman should be asking. But I'm kinda neurotic, so there.

Anyway. My guy leaves for Mexico on Sunday for a 10-week immersion program. Tonight is his going away party with his friends (guys and girls) and they'll be getting absolutely hammered. I figured as much. However, there was no mention or indication that I was at all invited to this party. I've met and am on good terms with the guys that are throwing this shindig, so I don't feel like that is the issue here.

I've spent so much time with him in the last few weeks and he spoils me with attention, so I'm trying to chalk it up to him just needing time with friends. I didn't want to ask point-blank, "So why am I not invited?" I probably should've just swallowed my damn pride and asked. Guess I just feel butt-hurt and left out. Maybe I'm just cranky 'cause I'm gonna miss him. I dunno.

Sounds like you really dig him. What's so bad about that?

My only question is if you're in a steady relationship with him or just dating.

I guess I just wish he could've said that he just wanted time with friends tonight. He said, "Oh, I'll miss you tonight". I didn't want to read into it, and so I just said, "It'll be good for you to have some solo friend time."

Then I made the mistake of calling my mom and whining to her. So she got all upset for me, of course. She told me to just talk to him about it, but I wasn't going to call him while he was on his way to the party just to whine and potentially ruin his night. That wouldn't have been fair of me to do.

Maybe I'll just buy a bottle of wine and watch "Jennifer's Body".

But thanks Glith. I get you, and you are right. I'll see him tomorrow (whenever he wakes up, that is!) and I'll be seeing him off at the airport as well.

See how you feel when you get up tomorrow. If the feeling's gone, then it's gone. If it's still there, you could drop him a hint such as, "I really missed you last night." As long as it doesn't sound accusatory, hopefully you'll be fine.

[shheadz]

It's not gonna hurt either of you to spend a night apart. Not given how much time you've been spending together. If I thought you two were insecure people, then I'd think he wanted you to come but didn't want to ask. And clearly you wanted to go, but didn't want to ask. So now you're both hurt. But I don't really get that insecure vibe from you, so I dunno. Anyway, enjoy the night eating rocky road in front of the TV.

[vashti]

I don't know if it's neurotic or not, but my feelings would have been hurt too, since it was a co-ed party...

[lahnnabell]

phys, we've been serious since September. Definitely way past casual dating. Yeah, I love him. I let him initiate the "I love you" in the beginning though. I find guys tend to need more time to either acknowledge it, or say it. He makes me food all the time, takes me out when he has available funds, and is very loving and sweet. I have no reason to complain about anything else.

shheadz, It was totally up to him to ask me really. The part is at his friend's house, and my boyfriend kept trying to invite more friends than were originally invited in the first place. Never mentioned my going at all.

vash, yeah, I'm a bit sad. My neurotic side is wondering if there was some reason behind my not being invited. My friend put it into perspective for me just now too. It's not the fact that I cannot go, it is the fact that the offer to go was not even extended. But thanks for understanding the feeling

Either way, I need to close the internet browser. I'm headed out to forget about my icky feelings. Thanks guys!

[Sanctuary]

I don't think you're being neurotic at all; I agree with you and vash - you should've been invited.

I don't get it either. Do you have a problem when he and his friends drink a lot?

[IncognitoSir]

I don't know if it's neurotic or not, but my feelings would have been hurt too, since it was a co-ed party...

this is how i feel about the situation as well. Why not invite you, its coed right. SMH, thats the type of ish that my gf use to pull, pissed me off a lot.

[shheadz]

I figured you just weren't invited until the "Oh, I'll miss you tonight" part. That made me say huh? You're probably right, and it shouldn't be read into. But with some of the girls I've dated that would be their cryptic way of waiting for me to invite myself.

Well now you're going to have to ask him what's up and let us know. I'm curious.

[lahnnabell]

I realized as I talked about it with my mom a bit more it wasn't necessarily the exclusion, but it was the ambiguous way in which I was left to deal with the situation. He never mentioned inviting me, but I'm not the type of person who is going to invite themselves somewhere. I mean, it's damn awkward when you do and you then realize that you really weren't invited at all, right? I hate being that unexpected guest.

My friend asked if maybe he somehow got the impression that I did not want to go at all. But I mean, why wouldn't I? I don't have a problem when he and his friends drink. The only thing I can think of was that perhaps he was concerned about having to take care of me. The last party we went to (around Halloween) I got quite drunk. I was having a great time meeting a bunch of his friends, but I was definitely leaning on him when we left. Perhaps he just didn't want to have to worry about me, and had no idea how to say it tactfully.

So, should I have invited myself? My mom got upset because this is a "milestone" in his life. "A going away party is a milestone for people," she said. I told her that I guarantee he does not see it that way. She was freaking out for me, and since her eldest baby is 3,000 miles away from home, she laid it on thick. I eventually told her I had to go because she was making me upset and anxious, but I thanked her for letting me vent.

And shheadz, when he said, "Oh, I'll miss you tonight" I did ask, "Did you want me to go?" He didn't respond and just said, "I love you."

He was pre-gaming rather early. So much so that I asked him to chill and sober up a lot before driving to his buddy's house. Do you think alcohol had an effect on his brain?