She Makes it Worse by Being Nice

[shheadz]

I've got a few threads here on my situation if you care to dig for them. In a nutshell, I ended a very short 2 month relationship with a great girl. I ended it because I could feel that she wasn't into it anymore, but she's too sweet to end it herself. She seemed pretty happy when I ended it.

To make the whole situation worse, we work together in a small restaurant. Tonight was the first real night we had to work together, and I felt like I was going to freakin' die. At least a dozen times through out the night I felt like I was going to burst into tears.

Here's what makes the whole thing even worse: She's being too freakin' nice to me! She really is a sweet girl, and I know she feels bad for me, but she's killing me by trying to cheer me up. She sends me a couple playful text messages. Kills me. She playfully throws a few things at me and laughs. Kills me. She asks if I want to go out for drinks tonight. Kills me. She asks if I want to go to her parents for dinner on Sunday. Kills me.

Seriously girls.. Stop trying to be friendly with your exes. You have to know that any sign of friendship you show him will only lift his hopes of getting back together with you.

[rohit20]

Oooow.... That's a seemingly little but a BIG problem. Yeah, this is the problem with nice and sweet girls. When they don't want to intentionally hurt a guy, they hurt him even more by showing love and care. What you need to do is GET SOME SPACE, or ASK HER TO GIVE YOU SOME, because it is the only thing that has to work here. Maintain some distance and ask her too, and a few days of pain will later end up in peace and harmony.
Regards,
rohit20

[kms]

That sucks. She probably is trying to be nice to make you feel better... perhaps out of guilt for being happy that it's over lol... do you know any of her friends that you might be able to talk to about it? They could take her aside and talk to her; that way you wouldn't have to do it... it would be less awkward that way I would think.

[jenniferx]

distance yourself.

[Audrey09]

I know this might be a strange view but you said she sent you " a couple playful text messages"..are you 100% sure she doesn't like you anymore?? Most girls even the nicest ones don't usually do the whole playful text thing after they end the relationship. They tend to sort of give each other time and like keep their interactions with each other to a minimum with you. Asking if you want to go out for drinks is taking it too far i reckon. So i think you might want to re-consider, if there might be more to the situation of her just being too nice or if she wants something else from you.

[thrillaveza]

stay away from her for a bit. i think it's cause she knows you like her, and that she lost feelings faster than you did. with that said, she doesn't want to be considered the 'bad guy' in this situation, so she's playing it off like no hard feelings.

[shheadz]

Well, we're back together, but I'm not sure why.. if that makes any sense. She asked me out for drinks again, so I went. Long story short, I spent the night at her house.

I told her the next day that I wasn't interested in a friendship with her, or casual dating, if that's what she was getting at. She asked why we couldn't be friends, and I explained why it wasn't a good idea. I deleted all her contact info from my phone, email, etc, so I couldn't text her, or call her. We didn't have any contact for a couple days.

The first time we saw each other was at work, and she kept snuggling up next to me. Standing right next to me, and leaning into me. Another long story short, she came to my place that night, and we held each other on the couch, and watched a few movies, and she slept over. That was all her idea. We both had the flu, so nothing much else was going to happen.

I really don't know what she's up to, and it's hard to talk to her about things, so all I can really do is roll with it. I'm worried that she's decided being with me in a relationship is better than not having me at all. Not as a friend.. not as nothing. Even if a romantic relationship isn't really what she wants. It's hard to gauge her level of interest right now, because we're both really sick.

She did say she was depressed that I was going to be in NY for the next few days. She's also doing some super sweet things for me that she wasn't doing for the last few weeks we dated. We really did need some space from each other, and a week apart has really lifted both our moods. It's not that being apart from each other has made us feel better, but we're both introverted people, and need time to ourselves.

So for now I'm distancing myself from her emotionally, giving her some space, and keeping things casual like when we first started dating. I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

[shheadz]

I'm starting to feel pretty foolish. She's a complicated girl with a lot of issues, so I've given her a lot of leeway, and tried to pretend that she's not just like any other girl. That the situation we're in doesn't fit the common mold.

I've leaving for NY tomorrow for a week, so we planned on spending the night together. I've been sick for a few days, so we both knew it wasn't going to be some kind of fun exciting night. Regardless I had kind of a cool night planned for us.

She comes over, and sits down without taking off her jacket. I asked if she planned on staying, and she said one of her girl friends wanted to hang out with her that night. I said that was fine.. I'm sick anyway. She looked sad and asked if I was sure it was ok. I said not really, but she should go out and have some fun. She left.

So that's that. Maybe I'm reading into things too much. She's been working hard the past few days while I've sat at home sick. She probably does feel the need to party a bit. Regardless, I think it's just wrong to leave me hanging like that. Whether she's lost interest in me, or she's just selfish and doesn't consider others isn't important anymore. I just don't care.

[shheadz]

Man.. This thing just keeps dragging on! While I was in NY she found out I had been talking to her mom about our relationship troubles. Big mistake! She sent me a text message saying to never talk to her again. I tried talking to her for a few days, but got nothing but the silent treatment.

I get home, and she sends me a text message.. "It's just not worth it anymore. You're just adding to my anxiety." I was totally fine with that. I'm pretty fed up with the whole situation myself, and I just want to move on. I told her I felt the same way, and she just said "Whatever".

The next time we worked together she kept flirting with me.. touching me.. putting her arms around me.. I'm kind of a fool, so I went with it. I grabbed her ass a couple times, flirted back, etc. She liked it.

The next day I'm starting to feel a little pissed about the whole situation, because I feel like she's playing mind games with me. This isn't the first time she's told me it's over, and then a couple days later acts like nothing ever happened. I'm just really fed up with the whole thing, and don't want to deal with it anymore. This hot & cold act is really starting to get on my nerves.

Even last night she asked me what I was doing today, and I said, "Just working.. why, you want to do something?". She comes back with, "Oh, I don't know. I'll let you know though!". What the hell is that all about?

The truth is I really like this girl, and I want it to be either over, or have her tell me how she feels so we can start mending the relationship. We did have a lot of good times together, and a lot of intimate moments. I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore, or if we did back together, if it could ever be like that again. She doesn't talk about things though, and I don't know enough about her past to know if breaking up to make up is a common pattern with her.

I just don't know what to do, or what she's thinking. The heart wants what it wants.. but I know this is total BS, and I shouldn't be putting up with it.

[lhn]

U sound like you're holding yourself very well. You keep doing whats best for you.

If the flirting and all that stuff isn't leading anywhere, then you tell her to stop and that you don't see her like that anymore as a person.
If you want something to happen and decide that it could work out in the long run then you need to be in control. Tell her that its 'now or never' 'all or nothing'.

Otherwise you're just stuck in a dark, crap place where being with her seems to be the only time you're happy, but you can't have her. If that makes sense?!?!

[lahnnabell]

Seriously and honestly, WTF. This girl KNOWS you like her. She knows that she's battered you around emotionally already, and is now doing it again. Why do you like her, if you don't mind my asking? She sounds like a bitch. Not the honest, loud one, but the cunning, deceptive bitch. The kind I HATE. The "I look too nice to seem like a bitch, but I really am" kind of bitch.

She's got you on a string, man. Stop feeding her ego.

I mean, look at it, she wanted you to leave her the 'eff alone, and then starts flirting with you the next time you see her. She's messing with you 'cause she can. Or she's just that stupid. Either way, she's not worth this trouble.

[Grobyc82]

She might be trying to play with your head. Either that, or shes just plain immature and can't manage her feelings like a normal adult. Regardless of which is true, my advice would be to let her go.

If she is trying to play games with you (which seems like the case to me) that should be enough reason for you to break this relationship off. A partner who plays games or manipulates your feelings for his or her personal gain has no respect or any kind of devotion for you. Respect is almost paramount in any kind of relationship worth having. If she sees that you constantly put up with her shit, and become a punching bag for all her petty games, she will get the impression that your desperate and label you as some kind of chump, which no women finds attractive at all. If she's just plain immature and is an emotional train wreck then you should still reconsider where this is going in the long run. The hot and cold game may be exciting to her right now, but later on she may eventually become bored with it altogether and then dump you when you least expect it.

If you decide to break it off with her, then understand that you will probably go through lots of pain emotionally. But eventually with time, you will heal. Whether or not you take my advice, I hope things turn out alright. Chin up.

[shheadz]

Well.. here's the thing.. and the reason I keep putting up with this crap. Her and I are a lot alike when it comes to emotional and mental issues, so to some degree I can read her like a book. I've come to realize that I have some serious co-dependency issues, and I think she does too. I've looked at all the symptoms, and my upbringing, and what I know of hers, and it's what I believe is true.

Like a lot of people with co-dependency issues (myself included) she bases her own self-worth on what other people think of her. She's the kind of person that can't be mean to anyone.. even people that are mean to her, because she needs to be liked by everyone. It's important to her own feelings of self-worth. So I don't think she's intentionally being a bitch, or intentionally being manipulative. I think she just can't deal with me not liking her. She needs me to continue liking her in some way.. even as friends (And I already told her I'm not being friends with her).. so she keeps me on the hook.

For my own part.. my own CD issues.. I have low self-esteem, so I put up with this crap. I also need to feel liked by her to keep my own self-worth in check. Additionally the CD issues makes it difficult for me to deal with feelings of abandonment, so I cling to her tightly.. far too tightly in fact.

[shheadz]

Gonna post this here instead of starting another thread..

I'm gonna have to tell her we need to stop seeing each other. This thing has dragged out for too long now. She stayed over last night, but I feel like the only reason she came over was because I grabbed some pot yesterday (No moral comments about drugs please). In fact it's starting to feel like the only times we hang out now is when she wants/needs something. I don't feel good when we're together anymore. When she's with me she's distant, like there's somewhere else she'd rather be, or someone else she'd rather be with. I just get a vibe that she doesn't want to be there.

When we started dating she didn't have any friends. They all ditched her when she broke up with her ex (They were really his friends). That's why we were spending every waking moment with each other. Well she re-established a friendship with some of them a month ago, and since then I've been put on the back burner. She doesn't need me anymore. I understand that she went a long time without any friends, and is excited to be hanging out with them again, but I'm tired of feeling like I've taken second place in her life. It also annoys me that they're really just superficial friends, and they all acted like she had the plague after the breakup with her ex, and now she's running back to them instead of sticking with the guy (Me) that stuck with her through some hard times.

There's also some signs she might be seeing someone else, or at least checking out some other guys. She was supposed to call me on Monday to talk about doing something that night. She never did call me at all that day. Well, she let it slip out last night that she went out to eat on Monday night at a local restaurant. I say "slip out" because just as she was starting to tell me about it, she hesitated for a moment like she realized she was telling me something she didn't want me to know about. I can't imagine who she went with, as her "friends" and her family all live pretty far away, and if she went out with any of them it wouldn't be around here. She didn't say who she went with -- even as a matter of conversation -- and I didn't ask. She's also started acting secretive when she texts in front of me, and she's been waking up in the middle of the night to check her text messages. Maybe it's her friends, maybe not.

The final sign that things are really over is when she kisses me goodbye. When she left this morning she leaned in for a kiss, and then at the last moment turned her head and kissed me on the cheek, followed by an impersonal hug. She did the same thing yesterday when she stopped by to pick up something. Either she's just seeing me as a friend now, or she's seeing someone else, and doesn't feel comfortable "cheating" on him by being intimate with me. Even if she's not seeing someone else, and this is all in my imagination, it's clear I've lost all trust in her, and it's not coming back.

I really do feel over her now, and it's clear she's over me. It just doesn't feel good anymore, and I feel like I'm wasting my time. There are some other girls that are interested in me, and I'm passing up good opportunities trying to make this work with her. So I don't mind telling her it's really time to move on. I need to do it fast though since I know she got me some xmas presents, but I don't feel comfortable getting her anything. I feel like she's using me, and I don't want to spend any money on her.

[lahnnabell]

Good for you! I'm in complete agreement with your decision. Let us know how it goes, please.