So my g/f of 5 months isn't thrilled anymore

[pbateman]

I've been dating this girl for 5 months, when we first met we just clicked and decided to start dating exclusively after only a week - this was admittedly out of character for both of us. I should also note that she told me she was "high maintenace" when we first met, which I assumed I knew what she meant. She also started staying over at my place all the time, so we basically lived together unofficially for the majority of these 5 months. Over time we did the normal things, went out to dinner, movies, and bars, and maybe a friend's wedding or two and a sporting event or two and it seemed like we were a perfect match - I know it was the honeymoon phase.

Well lately it seems as all we do is fight, and she is very unhappy with the way I've been treating her - in her words. She's been telling me that I don't treat her badly she just needs "more" from me. That she feels like she always calls/texts first, that I never intiate, that I don't show her that I "give a damn" about her, and that she doesn't know why she should continue chasing me when it is obvious I don't care? But the thing is I do care, however I don't know what else to do to show it? I help her with her homework (she's in college and I'm ahem a bit older than that), I help her with her barn work as she rides horses as a hobby, and I try to be there wherever I can. Unfortunately in my life most of my relationships have lasted a few months and then they fizzle, so I'm not experienced in how to handle things when they go past a certain point. I certainly had no intentions of making her feel taken for granted, but now that I have is there anything I can do to "show her" that I care beyond the stuff I've been doing? She just keeps saying that I don't show her, and honestly I don't think I know how, I know I do have issues with longer relationships since I haven't had that many so I'm asking for advice from a woman's perspective?

[girl68]

By high maintence she meant what you probably call "needy".

She wants you to call her 'just 'cause'. Text her a "I can't wait to see you tonight ". She wants a flower, or a candy or a ice cream bar just as a I was thinking of you treat for no apparent reason other than you love her. Corny, pathetic but cute compliments at random...

Basically all those sweet corny things that you don't do anymore because you've got her... THAT'S what she meant by being high maintence.

[Gigabitch]

Well, ahem, just how much older ARE you? Is she looking for a sugar daddy? By "show me", does she mean she wants jewelry to show off to her friends?

[bloodtippedrose]

Okay I know how she feels.

I would get upset because my boyfriend would play games all day long or whatever while i would cook him dinner and buy him things he'd like. He never seemed to show me he loved me by doing these type of little things. I would fight with him saying he never thinks of anyone but himself and he felt upset because he DID love me and hated having to keep reassuring me.

Thing is, I didnt realize that I always expected him to take me places instead of me thinking of where to go AND that everytime I wanted to go somewhere I wanted him to go including the store or postoffice.. stupid places.
He said he'd be happy to do things with me as long as I dont expect him to initiate it EVERYTIME and he wanted me to be a little more independent. He said hes not going to treat me like a princess and Im okay with that but shit be a little thoughtful.

When I made an effort to be a bit more independent I felt better, he felt less pressured and started doing nice things without feeling like he HAS to do nice things.

What he did that made me happy (spaced out of course not the same day): bought me flowers for no particular reason, had dinner ready when I came home from work, rented a movie I wanted to see, made a perl script to help me with bills, dressed up fancy to go out to dinner just to be silly, showed up at my work just to say hi..

You guys BOTH need to make an effort, on your half you should think of cute little things that would make her smile. Leave a note on her car while shes working or something. Its not that hard. I dont think shes asking to be treated like a queen.

[pbateman]

Well, she's 24 and I'm 35, however she doesn't want my money we got that clear from the beginning as she comes from a relatively wealthy family. She's high maintenance in an attention way - that may be the problem as I'm not a particularly needy guy. But we always texted throughout the day and she stayed over at my place almost every night, so there was never even a day that went by without any communication (too much maybe). The thing is I thought I was giving her enough attention but apparently not, and things have become so tense now that I'm not sure if there is a way to fix it. She is now staying back at her parents house, although she did stay with me a couple nights this past weekend which kinda made everything even more confusing. Taking her out to a fancy dinner for example, is not going to fix things I'm confused as I don't know how to proceed. I guess part of me is also thinking that this may be beyond repair, so I'm struggling with that as well.

[pbateman]

To bloodtippedrose, yes I definitely feel an enormous amount of pressure to "do something" now and have for a couple weeks, but it has become so great that I'm almost afraid if that makes any sense? I mean I feel like nothing I do will make her happy although I'm trying, and she on the other hand feels like I should just know what to do and that is making her unhappy.

[Gigabitch]

It sounds to me like she's pretty committed to being dissatisfied. You can't win.

[pbateman]

Yes Giga I think you're right, I mean I know I made mistakes along the way but it seems like she's made up her mind that I'm not the guy for her. She keeps telling me to show her different, but I don't know what else I can do.

[bloodtippedrose]

have you asked her exactly what she wants out of you? Thats what my bf did and we came to a compromise. If shes not willing to discuss it or think about it, just "have it done" or she is used to being treated like a princess and wants you to oblige then I say it may be unrepairable. youre making an effort just to come here, obviously youre thinking of her and wanting her to be happy. wheres her effort?

[girl68]

Yes Giga I think you're right, I mean I know I made mistakes along the way but it seems like she's made up her mind that I'm not the guy for her. She keeps telling me to show her different, but I don't know what else I can do.

Did you read my post? Did you ignore it completely? I just gave you a list of about 4 sweet things you could be doing that she would probably be thrilled with.

[pbateman]

Sorry girl68 yes I did see your post. The thing is I do txt her throughout the day and she did call me last night to talk for an hour or two before she went to sleep. I could send her flowers to her parents house, she isn't working currently so I can't drop by her office and take her to lunch since she's in the middle of exams (going to school full time). But thank you for your suggestions I'll try to implement them as best I can.

[girl68]

There's so much more you can do. She basically wants you to spice it up. Though she's got to be doing her part too of course.

She feels as though you've gotten comfortable with her and thus the romance is gone. Get that spark going again...

[starbuck]

I'm not sure why she isn't content with just being with you and sharing things with you. Sounds like she has some insecurity issues since she seems to need constant validation of your feelings for her. Especially since you state you're doing enough to let her know you care.

Hopefully it's just a phase in your relatively new relationship and she will get to the place where she doesn't need you to constantly prove your feelings.

[Graham Berkeley]

This happen to me in my last relationship but it was me who left after not getting what I wanted. Something I had wished both of us knew back then is PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY DO FOR YOU. That is their love language. Even if its not your own they are giving you what they want in return. If both parties payed more attention to what the other one was doing to show love relationships would go smoother.

[shheadz]

Your relationship sounds exactly like mine. There is a big age difference (she's 21, and I'm 33). She told me from the start that she was very "emotionally high maintenance", i.e. she needed constant attention from me. We spent every waking moment with each other from the very start. From day one we were practically living with each other, because we really did "click" from the start.

What she wants from you are signs that you're thinking of her when you are apart. Try sending her random sweet text messages throughout the day. Write something on your Facebook wall like, "Looking forward to seeing my girl tonight". Yes, send her flowers from time to time.

If doing things like that feel forced for you, then you may need some space from each other. Doing sweet little things that show you're thinking of the other person is hard when you're constantly in each others face. You can't miss her until you actually get a chance to be apart for a significant amount of time.