Really Shitty Situation

[judderman1989]

Hey. Never used a forum before, but things seem to have got incredibly bad and any advice would be appreciated.

Basically, i've been with this girl for about 8 months. In my oppinion we are perfect for eachother. Similair in every way. When we got together we were both over the moon. I think we took things too quickly though and proceeded to spend all her time with eachother. We got together just before we went on summer holidays from uni, so we decided that she would come and stay with me and i would with her etc etc. It was all fine though. We had a good time, pretty much all the time.

When we came back to uni i had nowhere to stay so innevitably i stayed with her, which was a bit tense but nothing serious. Things just seemed to flow nicely. It wasnt like we were taking it really seriously, it was just circumstancial more than anything. But when i moved into my flat something terrible happened.

Basically, she was helping me move in and i had a journal which she proceeded to grab. I got freaked out, just coz i didnt want her to read it. It was an old one so i didnt even know what was in it. So for some unbeknown reason i tore the pages out and threw them in the bin. So she fished them out and read them and it turned out to be me declaring my undying love for someone else. It was stupid of me to write it in the first place because it wasnt true. It was just a fleeting thought which i later found to be untrue. But yeh, you can guess what happened.

I explained to her endlessly that it wasnt what i thought now, that i was in love with her. She agreed to stay with me, but basically she finds it hard to trust me because i didnt tell her to begin with. I just never really saw the need to. It hadnt even really crossed my mind, which is a bit shit but true.

Anyway, that was about two months ago. I keep on thinking things are ok. It seems like our natural ability to be good together shines through. She doesn't see it that way though. She keeps on telling me that she feels like shit. She's fairly brutal with me at times. She has said that i ruined her summer, she only has sex with me because she feels obliged, she says being with me is like looking after a child etc etc.

Anyway, about a week ago she said that being with me is stressing her out and she needed time to think, so i gave it to her. Im quite rational that way. To be honest, things had been shit for a while. I love her. Genuinely. So it hurts me to know how im making her feel. It also hurts that she's so horrible to me all the time. She gets angry at me for being too nice to her! Whenever we have sex she just turns over. Its awful!

On the other hand, when she told me she needed space she said that there was a lot of other things to it. She has family problems at the moment, and we both have a lot of university work to do. She also said she thought things would be fine between us, and that we're so good together that that wil prevail essentialy. She said even if we weren't together we would still be best friends.

So what do i do? I love her, but all the time we're together im just terrified. She angers me, because sometimes she can be really affectionate and loving and then she can tell me she has no feelings for me. I completely understand that what she's going through is hard and that everything is greatly exascerbated by the amount of work we have to do. Am i just being a pussy? Should i leave her because all i cause her is pain? All i know is that i love her and want to be with her, and that she loves me too but is just very confused.


Thanks for any advice!
Robbie

[mrkleen]

You messed up big with that journal stuff. Very immature and you can imagine how she felt. From that point on, you were living on borrowed time. Period.

In the big picture, you are both busy and you have more important things to worry about (like learning things that will help you to become something someday) – and if your relationship is mostly adding stress, you need to cut it.

Time to move on…for the best of both of you.

[Gigabitch]

Robbie, it's been long enough that she needs to make a decision about it. She has to either let it go or let it get in the way.

The school term is just about over, so during the winter break I think you should ask her to do some soul searching and show up in January with her mind made up. Either she wants you or she doesn't, but she can't keep punishing you for something so ****ing stupid for much longer.

[CAM]

Giga's right. I would add that she has knowledge of how you react to things--namely, that you do have strong emotions in terms of romance. At first, she was a bit disappointed that you had loved another. Now, however, she is using it to play a dumb game with you. In short, I think that she knows your feelings for her are present, but instead of figuring out if she has real feelings, she's instead concentrating on your signals. Alternatively, she does really like you but is testing to see how much anguish you'll put up with as a measure of your love for her...which is a silly way of going about things. You will leave her before she leaves you.

[qwertz]

bit of an over reaction on her part over the journal.

She either needs to figure out, one way or the other, what her feelings are for you. If she continues behaving like she is, you would be better off without her.

[judderman1989]

The thing is, she suggested that but she's scared because its what she did with her last boyfriend and they split up. She says it's different because she likes me and her last boyfriend was a bit self centred.
The thing is, it's not really about what happened anymore. She just says it hasn't been the same since then. Basically she's just freaking out because she cant make sense of her own emotions at the moment. She just says things are "off" between us. I could blame myself but its her really. She is just so unresponsive to my affection and i get put out by it. She says it isnt because of how she feels about me which i kinda believe coz why would she still be with me? I would like to think it's because we spend so much time together and ever since the journal thing happened it's just been tense. To be honest i need some breathing space. I just really dont want to loose her.
To be honest, things were fine between us. I know she was struggling to come to terms with the journal thing, but besides that we've been having fun together. It's just sometimes it comes up in her mind. And then recently she said she'd been feeling "funny" and she wasnt sure why. Ever since then it's just been terrible. I saw her lastnight and she got angry at me for worrying about her. She said i spend too much time thinking about what she wants. This is true. I am a pussy that way. But it's only because i care, and it pisses me off that she can be angry about that. But, i went round to hers earlier tonight for dinner and left fairly abruptly coz i'd said i would meet my brother for a drink after his exam. She got all wierd and said she was just paranoid.

Im just trying to make sense of all the things that have happened. I dont want to lose her, and im fairly sure she doesnt want to lose me, but we're both wondering if things can be the same. They can be on the surface but there is always an underlying tension thats proving to be destructive. I didnt really notice, but she pointed it out.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. More would be much appreciated, but again thanks.
Robbie

[CAM]

Okay, first thing: stop worrying about losing her. If you lose, then you lose her. You've made it clear that you like her and that's enough for the time being. Holding a pet bird tighter doesn't do anything more than kill it. Get the analogy? Want to control your pony, then you have to loosen the reins a bit or it will buck you off.

In terms of her reaction, she's just a freaky chick. Just look at things objectively and in the privacy of your own bathroom, have a good laugh. Just look at the mirror and think of the situation objective and you'll start laughing.

Then, after you got all the laughing out of your system, order a pizza and watch your favorite movie or if you are old enough to have alcohol, then get a case, a large pizza, invite some buddies over and have a movie marathon. You'll have fun and you won't be able to call her for at least 36-48 hours because of the movies, a 12 hour snooze, and the hangover. I'm serious. Don't laugh. Its the best option. Oh, also take the phone of the hook.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with Cam. Its time to back off from this girl and show her you aren't hanging on her decision. Nothing kills attraction more than seeming desperate.

[judderman1989]

Yeh, thats kinda what i thought. Problem is we kinda have the same group of friends. Even now, all my friends are round at hers. I know i have to back off a bit though.
Cheers!

[Perryville]

Journals and diaries are all OK and can be useful to give vent to your feelings, but should never be available for the SO to read. Either lock them up or pitch them, if you find yourself in an exclusive relationship. Having said that I'm with
Gig and Qwert, she has had time enough to process this info, and make a decision accordingly, and perhaps she has already, with the "time to think", business. At this point, all you can or should do, is tell her how you feel, and let it go. If she is with you, it will smooth out, if she continues to have an issue with this , end it, for both your sakes.

[CAM]

Yeh, thats kinda what i thought. Problem is we kinda have the same group of friends. Even now, all my friends are round at hers. I know i have to back off a bit though.
Cheers!

I find your problem here quite interesting. Except for one or two cases, I have spent most of my dating life trying to end relationships. Gawd, I'm the worst. After things begin to look like she's in it for the long haul, that's when I begin to get sick to my stomach. Know what the first thing that turns me off? The smell of "her" on my sheets. Drives me crazy (in a bad way). The second thing...her feet. Gawd knows why, but I focus on bare feet walking to the bathroom and for some reason, I begin to get a drowning/gagging sensation (both drowning and gagging).

Then, it begins...me figuring out an elaborate and byzantine process of untying the Gordian knot. I don't cut the knot...I can actually undo it. By the end of the relationship, she (whoever she is) is totally bewildered...never angry, but more confused than anything else.

Anyway, I've made you smile with my inanities and that was the point. You've forgotten your worries for the moment

[qwertz]

I find your problem here quite interesting. Except for one or two cases, I have spent most of my dating life trying to end relationships. Gawd, I'm the worst. After things begin to look like she's in it for the long haul, that's when I begin to get sick to my stomach. Know what the first thing that turns me off? The smell of "her" on my sheets. Drives me crazy (in a bad way). The second thing...her feet. Gawd knows why, but I focus on bare feet walking to the bathroom and for some reason, I begin to get a drowning/gagging sensation (both drowning and gagging).

Then, it begins...me figuring out an elaborate and byzantine process of untying the Gordian knot. I don't cut the knot...I can actually undo it. By the end of the relationship, she (whoever she is) is totally bewildered...never angry, but more confused than anything else.

Anyway, I've made you smile with my inanities and that was the point. You've forgotten your worries for the moment

You have some serious commitment issues.

[CAM]

Well, yes. I find it very difficult to trust women with my emotions. I can sincerely give of myself to a woman materially--always show them a wonderful time--and can do so even sexually, although on an emotional level, the sex challenges my ability to give fully of myself because, it is almost impossible for me to develop deep emotional trust with a woman. Unresolved issues from a troubled childhood.