MY situation

[Tyler65]

Well I just about broke up with my fiance tonight.

She and I were going out for nearly 5 months and it was going pretty good, no major fights or anything, some minor periods where she would get pissy, usually around her period, but overalll it was pretty solid.

We have a few differences though, such as her being morman (im not), shes more conservative politically, she isn't quite on my intellectual level at times (doesnt deep think or get into "Smart" disccusion much-mostly giggly stuff) and she isn't going to college or aspriing for anything better at the moment than a day job. I am 22 she is 18, so i can cut her some slack in deciding what to do.

Also a lot of times the relationship breaks down into physical, sex, cuddling etc, almost overemphasized because we can't talk about a whole lot of stuff, and her usual conversation isn't extemly enthralling or thought provoking.

Now, she is my first real g/f so I didn';t have any prior experience really, which leads me to why we may break up.

Recently, we seem to get into these little spats, nothing too serious but most seem to be her overblowing situations, such as I thought she was at a friends house, and it turned out she wasn't, so she thought I wasn't listening and started calling me out about how i say I am a good listener then I Do this. Me being pretty easy going I dont see what the big deal is, Its not like I forgot to pick her up or something or missed an anniversary-no harm no foul in my mind.

Then today she threw a little mini-tantrum over me laying on her bed with my socks on her clean clothes, which I didn't notice I did at the time. This led to me cuddling with her in the corner trying to figure out what the hell is the matter.

Now a little more backstory on Michelle, she had an sexually abusive father/neighbor, a
divorce, a large family with some added sibling turmoil, shes the youngest child, has brain damage from falling off a truck in highschool ( mainly memory problems and headaches now and again). She has seen numerous counselors in the past, nearly flunked out of highschool and is now living with her mom after leaving her dad's place.

Part of me REALLy wants to stay with her, shes very unique, funny, kind, generous, cute person who I had a blast with the past few months. But another part of me is put off by her hissy fits /mood swings she throws for really no justifiable reason

Her main crux as she said to me before I left her place was she thoght I am mean sometimes and didn't realize it, which is something pretty rediculous. Sure I may poke fun and jest, but I am probably one of the nicest people Michelle has EVER known. I think she was very upset over my telling her she has anger managment problems which she scarily denies (imagine cataonic glare repeating "No i don't" over and over) when her counselor and other people including HERSELF have admited to having verbal agression among other anger issues.

So I dunno, I sat long and hard thinking about now I may be "free" to find another lover,someone more my age, mental lvl etc, someone more easy going and not so stressed out from past issues-im not perfect man myself, I have had depression problems on and off as well as anxiety.

It just hurts really bad, and the mindset I had of us together, apartment, marriage, kids, jobs etc is wracking my brain trying to realize that may not come true. She remarked that maybe we aren't meant to be , and she may be right, although a few months earlier she swore we were soulmates, so who knows....time changes things.

It's like I have invested too much love, tears and sweat itno Michelle ot just throw it away over her getting tissy fits now and again, or her apparent reasoning of me being "mean" or inconsiderate.

I dunno, but it feels good venting and thinking this stuff through. And I am very nervous that my luck won't be very good in finding another from my past track record, but now that I have some experience under my belt I may do bettter, but at leastr online dating didn't work very well, but I guess it's better than being with someone your not meant to be with.

[butterflylove]

Well Tyler, First of al if sounds to me that you and her going way to fast. She is already your soon to be wife after 5 months? Second I was abused when I was small. I don't throw any hissy fits and shit. To me she has problems she needs to work on before getting married ir even think of a relationship. She is just using that abuse as a crux and so on. I am sorry you are going through this. Just take some time to think about this.

[Tyler65]

Thanks for the reply.

I called her tonight and she was pretty despondant as usuall, another issue.

A lot of times when we talk about conflicted/tough issues she will either do 2 things:

1.) Clam up/shut down
2.) get angry, defensive etc

I have been more patient in the past about the above, but lately I have been calling her on it more to try and be mroe easy going and not so bristly over things, as it wears on me to no end when I have lots of pressure anyways and she gripes about small issues etc.

What i didn't touch on was my initial feelings about her, I wasn;t very attracted to her, mentally or physically at first, but after the 3rd date I was really falling for her...now some may say that coudl be an indication of love at first sight not really clicking and i may have talked myself into liking her a bit...who knows...all I knlow I came to love her and I worry about her doing something bad because or our current rocky situation.


**ALSo I felt kinda sympathetic for her, rough situation, tough girl trying to make due, but really hurting inside, and I had thoughts of being a counselor someday so that came through, despite her blocking my attempts to help.

Another key thing she said was I am trying to change her when I tell he she has anger problems or needs to work on her blow-ups, when any reasonable, mature adult can see I am being contructive with her. I dont yell at her when I do this, I comfort her, i offer suggestions and she gets defensive and says "I dont want to change you, why uou change me?" All I know is in my opinion she needs to work on stuff, you don't just carte blanch accept anyone really.

Back to the phone conversation I just said that we shoudl talk about this more, think etc, and that i loved her, which she replied "I don't know" so she at this point, having been a few hours before spouting her love for me, isn't sure she loves me anymore? WTF??!?! Even if people mutually agree it's not working, you STILL love each other usually, unless somone does something drastic like cheat, beat etc, but even then feelings remain.

I dunno, she was just too much for me to handle I think for a first g/f too many issues, and I wasn't in a great positon to deal with all of that.

[butterflylove]

Tyler, I am sorry to say this but you need to let her go. She is a very confused girl. She sounds like my sister. You need to get away from her. You can't help her. She needs to want the help in order for her to change. I know this from my past. If she says she doesn't love you in other words then she is not worth your time nor energy. You can find someone else. Hang in there buddy.. If you need to talk my aim information is in my profile here..

[Cybog]

Marrying your first real girlfriend who is only 18 years old, acts like she is half that, and you have only been together for 5 months......

People - This is why over 50% of marriages end in divorce.

[schueys_girl]

Sounds like the 'honeymoon' period of your relationship is well and truly over mate! After only 5 months you are engaged...its too soon...be thankful you have seen her 'bad points' before you walked down that aisle...find someone who doesnt need help...and dont rush into things again...

[Pondman]

Tyler65

I hate to tell you this... but you actually sound a little like an A-hole. You've admitted to us that you think she is dumbshit. She might be a shy confused kid who needs to grow up . You emphasis should be that you want the best for her. And if that means not seeing her for awhile then don't bother her.