S O S - I am lost
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Hello. I am a 31 year old male that is beyond confused. I realize this post is somewhat long, but I hope someone here reads it. I don't know where else to go for help.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months and have been friends for nearly 5 years. One of her best friends is married to one of my best friends. We have a lot of the same friends actually, which is really great too. Our relationship has been simply put, amazing. We are the perfect compliment to one another. This is supposed to be "the one." I would stop at nothing to keep her happy, which is why I am seeking your help.
About two months ago, one of her closest friends died from a motorcycle accident. This completely destroyed her. She felt guilty for not being there for him as much as she should have. Since then, she has been different - not all the time, but more often than not. I have tried to talk with her about it, because I too, have lost a close friend. Sometimes we talk about what she is feeling, other times, she just wants to say nothing (which I completely understand).
She also works 4 jobs and is always worn out. We make time for one another, but since she started her most recent job (several months ago), she always seems exhausted. That, coupled with her friend's death, seems to be taking a big toll on her, and thus, on our relationship.
Prior to her starting this job, we had a great, caring relationship, complete with a very healthy sex life. However, we have only had sex about 3 times in the past 4 months. I've noticed how she is not near as affectionate as she used to be (less holding hands, kissing, etc initiated by her). I still try to initiate sex, but I am not overly forceful and basically just stop when I see that it's not going to happen. I understand that she is worn out - 4 jobs.
On the 23rd of this month, she called me and said that she wanted to come over to talk. She is not sure what is going on with herself. She says that sometimes she feels like we rushed into our relationship (she had just split up with someone when we got together). I asked her if she still loved me and she said yes. I asked her if she was still in love with me and she said she didn't know.
I began asking questions about her not being attracted to me and if there was someone else - she said she's still very much attracted to me and there is not anyone else. She said that's not what it's about, she said I am "perfect" (which I am not, obviously, but I do think we are perfect for each other) and that's why she is so confused because I have done nothing wrong. I guess it's the whole, "it's not you, it's me" thing. I also asked her if she needed time alone, she hesitated and said I don't know, then yes. And then, while crying, said no that's not what she wants. Apparently she started feeling this way about us about two weeks ago and just couldn't keep it to herself any longer.
I have literally slept about 8 hours since then. I can't eat, I can't stand being awake because I just wonder what's going to happen and I wait on pins and needles to hear from her. But I can't sleep because I have too much going on in my head. She said that this doesn't mean that she and I are done, she just wanted to tell me what she was feeling. But it really hurt me to hear her say those things to me. Plus, I hurt even more knowing that she is upset.
We had plans to be with her family and mine on Christmas eve and Christmas day. She said we would talk about us after the holiday because she wanted to spend Christmas with me. We did visit her family both days (her parents are divorced so we went to both homes), but not mine. While there, she was very affectionate towards me. Things seemed fine - but the whole time I was very worried, but I didn't show it. I sucked it up for the family and put on my poker face. We did have a good Christmas together and I want to believe that we will get through this, but I have always been the kind that prepares for the worst.
When we first starting going a while without sex, I felt like things were different between us until we had sex again. It was only one time, but immediately thereafter it was like we were reconnected. But we have gone over a month without sex since then, and I know that has to make her feel less connected with me because that's exactly how I feel. Her fourth job ends next month and she is about to get her real estate license so that she will only have to work one job very soon. I kept telling myself that once she stops working as much (next month) things will get better. I truly believe that when her schedule lightens up, we will spend quality time together again and get back on the right track. I told her that, and she does think there is truth to it, but she said that’s not how a relationship should be. Which I understand, but I told her that all couples go through things they have to deal with.
I am so lost right now. I don't know how I should be acting. Do I back away and let her dictate the speed of things? Or will that make it seem like I don't care. How do I help her with her mourning of her friend? I seem to keep focusing on how this is hurting me and how much pain I am in, but perhaps I need to focus more on helping her since that is where the issue is. Do I tell her how much I am hurting? Should I just keep my mouth shut about my pain and stop being such a baby?
Please help me if you can. I hate the emptiness I feel inside. I love this woman more than I have ever loved before. I have never wanted to marry someone before, but I see a future with her and I want that so bad. So much that I can't stand the thought of her being sad or having to be without her.
I thank you for taking time to read my post. I hope you can help me. I can't go on feeling like this. Thank you.