S O S - I am lost

[djs20]

S O S - I am lost

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Hello. I am a 31 year old male that is beyond confused. I realize this post is somewhat long, but I hope someone here reads it. I don't know where else to go for help.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months and have been friends for nearly 5 years. One of her best friends is married to one of my best friends. We have a lot of the same friends actually, which is really great too. Our relationship has been simply put, amazing. We are the perfect compliment to one another. This is supposed to be "the one." I would stop at nothing to keep her happy, which is why I am seeking your help.

About two months ago, one of her closest friends died from a motorcycle accident. This completely destroyed her. She felt guilty for not being there for him as much as she should have. Since then, she has been different - not all the time, but more often than not. I have tried to talk with her about it, because I too, have lost a close friend. Sometimes we talk about what she is feeling, other times, she just wants to say nothing (which I completely understand).

She also works 4 jobs and is always worn out. We make time for one another, but since she started her most recent job (several months ago), she always seems exhausted. That, coupled with her friend's death, seems to be taking a big toll on her, and thus, on our relationship.

Prior to her starting this job, we had a great, caring relationship, complete with a very healthy sex life. However, we have only had sex about 3 times in the past 4 months. I've noticed how she is not near as affectionate as she used to be (less holding hands, kissing, etc initiated by her). I still try to initiate sex, but I am not overly forceful and basically just stop when I see that it's not going to happen. I understand that she is worn out - 4 jobs.

On the 23rd of this month, she called me and said that she wanted to come over to talk. She is not sure what is going on with herself. She says that sometimes she feels like we rushed into our relationship (she had just split up with someone when we got together). I asked her if she still loved me and she said yes. I asked her if she was still in love with me and she said she didn't know.

I began asking questions about her not being attracted to me and if there was someone else - she said she's still very much attracted to me and there is not anyone else. She said that's not what it's about, she said I am "perfect" (which I am not, obviously, but I do think we are perfect for each other) and that's why she is so confused because I have done nothing wrong. I guess it's the whole, "it's not you, it's me" thing. I also asked her if she needed time alone, she hesitated and said I don't know, then yes. And then, while crying, said no that's not what she wants. Apparently she started feeling this way about us about two weeks ago and just couldn't keep it to herself any longer.

I have literally slept about 8 hours since then. I can't eat, I can't stand being awake because I just wonder what's going to happen and I wait on pins and needles to hear from her. But I can't sleep because I have too much going on in my head. She said that this doesn't mean that she and I are done, she just wanted to tell me what she was feeling. But it really hurt me to hear her say those things to me. Plus, I hurt even more knowing that she is upset.

We had plans to be with her family and mine on Christmas eve and Christmas day. She said we would talk about us after the holiday because she wanted to spend Christmas with me. We did visit her family both days (her parents are divorced so we went to both homes), but not mine. While there, she was very affectionate towards me. Things seemed fine - but the whole time I was very worried, but I didn't show it. I sucked it up for the family and put on my poker face. We did have a good Christmas together and I want to believe that we will get through this, but I have always been the kind that prepares for the worst.

When we first starting going a while without sex, I felt like things were different between us until we had sex again. It was only one time, but immediately thereafter it was like we were reconnected. But we have gone over a month without sex since then, and I know that has to make her feel less connected with me because that's exactly how I feel. Her fourth job ends next month and she is about to get her real estate license so that she will only have to work one job very soon. I kept telling myself that once she stops working as much (next month) things will get better. I truly believe that when her schedule lightens up, we will spend quality time together again and get back on the right track. I told her that, and she does think there is truth to it, but she said that’s not how a relationship should be. Which I understand, but I told her that all couples go through things they have to deal with.

I am so lost right now. I don't know how I should be acting. Do I back away and let her dictate the speed of things? Or will that make it seem like I don't care. How do I help her with her mourning of her friend? I seem to keep focusing on how this is hurting me and how much pain I am in, but perhaps I need to focus more on helping her since that is where the issue is. Do I tell her how much I am hurting? Should I just keep my mouth shut about my pain and stop being such a baby?

Please help me if you can. I hate the emptiness I feel inside. I love this woman more than I have ever loved before. I have never wanted to marry someone before, but I see a future with her and I want that so bad. So much that I can't stand the thought of her being sad or having to be without her.

I thank you for taking time to read my post. I hope you can help me. I can't go on feeling like this. Thank you.

[shheadz]

Well, she's going through a lot in her life right now, and may be having troubling balancing work, grief, and a relationship. The relationship is often the first thing to get put on the chopping block to relieve stress in a person's life, because it's the one thing that the person has control over.

Your relationship is being tested right now, and how you act in the next month or so is critical. It's going to establish whether you're the kind of man that's going to stand by her through the good times and the bad. You should back off from putting any pressure on her to have sex. She's tired, and she just doesn't want it, but she's going to feel guilty that she's not giving it to you. That's only going to add to her stress.

This is "her time", and you need to be supportive. Have a nice hot bubble bath with candles ready for her when she gets off of work, and then back the f*ck off a little so she can enjoy it. Have a nice meal ready for her when she gets off of work, or offer to bring her lunch/dinner while she's working. Whatever you do, you need to relax. You need to be extra supportive of her needs right now without putting any pressure on her.

Everything in your post says "woe is me".. I want sex, and my stressed out girlfriend won't give it to me. She won't pay attention to me.. blah blah blah. It's not about you right now.

[lostwithyou]

Well, she's going through a lot in her life right now, and may be having troubling balancing work, grief, and a relationship. The relationship is often the first thing to get put on the chopping block to relieve stress in a person's life, because it's the one thing that the person has control over.

Your relationship is being tested right now, and how you act in the next month or so is critical. It's going to establish whether you're the kind of man that's going to stand by her through the good times and the bad. You should back off from putting any pressure on her to have sex. She's tired, and she just doesn't want it, but she's going to feel guilty that she's not giving it to you. That's only going to add to her stress.

This is "her time", and you need to be supportive. Have a nice hot bubble bath with candles ready for her when she gets off of work, and then back the f*ck off a little so she can enjoy it. Have a nice meal ready for her when she gets off of work, or offer to bring her lunch/dinner while she's working. Whatever you do, you need to relax. You need to be extra supportive of her needs right now without putting any pressure on her.

Everything in your post says "woe is me".. I want sex, and my stressed out girlfriend won't give it to me. She won't pay attention to me.. blah blah blah. It's not about you right now.

well said, you took the words out of my mouth.

[djs20]

thank you so much for your honest reply. I needed a slap in the face to get things into perspective and you definitely gave it to me. I will take your advice to heart. Thank you.

[shheadz]

thank you so much for your honest reply. I needed a slap in the face to get things into perspective and you definitely gave it to me. I will take your advice to heart. Thank you.

No problem. I went through something similar with my ex post-abortion. I posted a woe-is-me thread here, and the folks here were "nice enough" to call me out on my selfish attitude. The way I treated her isn't a mistake I'll make again.

I'm sure your girl cares about you. Enough that she's feeling guilty that she doesn't have the physical and mental energy to give you the attention you need, and it's going to add to her stress. You need to put her mind at ease, or she's going to dump you to both relieve the stress, and to "spare you" from anymore hurt and neglect.

[djs20]

You bring up a good point about adding stress to her and thus, causing her to dump me to relieve that pressure. I talked with a mutual friend of ours and discussed everything. That friend then had a talk with my girlfriend.

The issue in our relationship is a communication breakdown. I assumed that when she finished working all day and said she was tired, that she didn't want to go do anything. I should have asked her if she wanted to, instead of just assuming. She in turn, felt that all I wanted to do was stay at home and that we were in different stages of life, me wanting to stay in and her wanting to go out. But I don't like staying in all the time. We always had a good balance of doing both.

The past two months, we'd sit in bed next to one another, and I wanted to initiate sex, but I would refrain because i thought she was too tired. Again, I assumed. She then felt like I was not attracted to her, which is definitely not true. So she'd distance herself from me when we were in bed, and I took that as she was tired - so that reaffirmed my thoughts of not making any moves on her.

My girlfriend and I talked on the phone today. She agrees that we needed to talk more, like we use to about everything else. But now she's at a point where she doesn't know if we can get the magic back. I told her that we have just identified and addressed the issue, and to quit now would be selling our relationship short. I feel that we need to at least try to get it back on track, because now we now what not to do. I asked her if she felt like we owe it to our relationship and to us, because of how great we were, to at least try and she said yes. But she also said she just doesn't know if she will ever feel that spark again.

She also said that she just needs alone time to think about things. She said she wants at least monday and tuesday. So I am going to leave her alone because I don't want to add any pressure on her. I am just confused as to my next move. Do I absolutely wait to hear back from her, and not call or text at all if she doesn't? Will that make her think I have lost interest? Or do I send a text in a few days, just saying hi, maybe even something funny, but nothing about missing her or the situation?

I realize that you don't have all the answers, although I wish you did. I am simply telling you what is in my mind. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

[sookie6]

Hi,

I have read your story with great interest. I feel that I have been through the same thing in my past relationship. Something happened in my life that 'changed me ' for a while. I was also exhausted because of work.

I simply could not cope with being in a relationship at the time. I was not really enjoying life anymore. I was a pain in the butt for anyone around me.

I pushed away my bfriend. Even told him to let go of me.

You see when you are in a relationship very often you feel like your partner is making demands at you. If you don't give him attention, they start feeling like you don't love them. If you don't behave happy they blame you for being miserable.

I guess I just wanted the space to be 'miserable' for as long as I wanted to...

My partner could not bear being alone for too long. And within months he got together with another woman.

To be honest it took me longer to recover from this than to recover from my prior depressive state...

What I can tell you is. If you feel that she is the one. Let her know that you will wait for her for as long as she needs. Tell her to take the time and the sapece necessary to snap out of whatever is bothering her.
She will be forever grateful for this...

[djs20]

sookie6

Hello and thank you for your thoughts regarding my situation. It really does help me to hear stories from other people. I guess I am looking for hope any where I can find it.

What you said makes a lot of sense in regards to how you felt and how my girlfriend is feeling. I know that she needs her space to search herself. My constant pressure of just being around her is beating her down even more. So I decided yesterday, as you probably read, to give her the time she needs.

I really hope and pray that although she sees "us" differently, that she will at least try to see if we can recapture the magic. I just can't imagine walking away from what we had, and she will be the first to say that it was amazing, without trying to fix it. Does that make sense? I mean, we just now talked about the issue and realize what happened. To walk away, would be like giving up. I told her that if we try and it doesn't come back, at least we know we gave it our all.

Anyway, she's knows that I am here for her. I guess that's all I can really do. I can't force her to think the way I want her to. At this point, it seems that it's out of my hands really. It hurts to say that, but that's the reality. Now it just becomes a waiting game (deep breath).

I will keep you updated as to what happens. Hopefully I will be able to report good news to you. Take care.

[BirdFlu47]

If you give her some space for a while and spend some time apart then when you do get back together, the spark should hopefully come back. Solving both problems.

Keep us posted!

[shheadz]

The issue in our relationship is a communication breakdown.

Man, there was a lot of that with my ex. There were a lot of misunderstandings that ended up driving us apart. I was thinking she was losing interest in me, so I started backing away from her. In turn, she took that to mean I was losing interest in her, so she started backing away from me. And the downward spiral began. If there's one thing I learned from our relationship, it's that communication really is vital.

I understand what your girlfriend is thinking right now. Even if my ex and I talked about all the mixed signals we gave each other.. even if we laughed them off, and realized our relationship was just fine.. I wouldn't get back together with her. I feel like once the flame of romance has gone out, there's no lighting it back up again. As much as I absolutely adored her, I can only chalk the whole thing up as a tough lesson, and move on.

Although I feel that way, I don't think it's really true. I think two people can find the magic again if they want to, and you should communicate that to your girlfriend. You just have to go back to the beginning. Have a second first date. Heck, if you're feeling particularly romantic, take her to the place where you actually had your first date. Try to have some good no pressure fun like you did when you first started seeing each other. You're going to have to convince her to hang in there for a little while so you can prove the spark can be reignited.

Do I absolutely wait to hear back from her, and not call or text at all if she doesn't?

I can only tell you what I would do.. which may or may not be the right thing. But I would text her at least once on each of those days. Just a little reminder that I'm thinking of her, but I wouldn't say anything that absolutely requires a response from her. Like you said, keep it fun and silly.

[djs20]

I have definitely thought about what we need - and you are right, it's to just go out and have fun, no pressure, just a good time. I seriously hope that she and I can give it another try, because I believe that once we do, it will be just like starting over.

It's just a waiting game for me now as she decides whether she wants to try again. I really don't know what to do about the texting. I completely get your point. That's what I want to do - just a little reminder. But I am not sure if that's the right thing to do. We spoke on the phone yesterday afternoon, so I thought I should at least give her the rest of yesterday and all of today to be alone. Beyond that, I am just not sure.

Thanks again to all of you for your advice. If any of you believe in prayer, I would ask that you pray for my girlfriend to find strength and hope so that she can deal with the issues that are bothering her. Thank you.

[sookie6]

djs20,

I will definitely pray for you and your gfriend.

I think you are a real man for not giving up at the first hurdle.

Best wishes for 2010!

[djs20]

thank you so much for your support. it really does mean a lot. FYI - she sent texted me earlier and asked how I was doing. We sent a few texts back and forth. I never brought up anything about the situation, just small talk. She told me how busy she is preparing for work on new years eve (managing a restaurant during the day and a cocktail waitress at a club at night).

I am not trying to read too much into it, but it made me feel better that she texted and asked how I was. I am going to continue to give her space and pray that she will see that we should try to stay together. I will keep you updated. Take care.

[djs20]

ok shheadz - don't rip me apart with this one...

Well, here is the latest. After we spoke 2 days ago, I gave her space and did not call or text. Yesterday afternoon, she texted me and asked how I was doing. I said I was good, that I was staying hopeful. I asked her what she was doing and she said that she was extremely busy preparing for New Years Eve (she has to manage a restuarant during that day and then work in a club that night as a cocktail/bottle server). We made small talk back and forth - nothing about us or the situation, just simple things.

About 9 hours after that, we got a lot of snow in Dallas, so I sent her a text telling her to checkout the snowman I made and posted on facebook. I told her that it was supposed to be an anatomically correct version of me, but that I couldn't find a large enough carrot. Those are the kinds of things I did and said all the time - just stupid little random things that made her laugh.

She actually just called me to ask what I was doing. I told her that I was working - she was driving to her second job of the day. The tone of the conversation was really good. I asked her if she has been able to find some time to think about life. She said yes, that she has and she's been spending time with friends. She then said, "I was calling honey because I haven't talked to you on the phone in a couple days." I told her I was glad that she called. She said that she'd call me later when she got out of work. And I told her I was looking forward to it.

So, perhaps that's a good sign. I want to believe so, but I also want to play it cool and keep giving her time and space to think. But I want to try to show her that the spark can come back (since that is her concern now). Tomorrow night is New Year's Eve, a night to be spent with someone close to you. I want to go to her club about fifteen minutes before midnight, then walk up to her at midnight, give a big hug and kiss like we did just a couple nights ago when we kissed for a times (not mugging down, but kissing on the lips, face, and neck - she kept grabbing my arm and holding on to me). I'll tell her that I can't stay because I have to be somewhere to be which is true, plus she is working, but I just wanted to wish her a happy new year.

I still really want to go to her club tomorrow, briefly, to kiss her at midnight to hopefully make her feel something - just like we both did the other night.
A few women suggested that I should get her a manicure/pedicure /massage gift card - since she has said she needs on with her crazy work life. Her hectic schedule will dramatically slow down next week - so she could unwind with the spa day. I could have a friend drop if off to her, that way she doesn't have to deal with me (space). It's something she needs and would be able to use to relax, alone, but would also know that I am still thinking of her. The card would just say something like, "I know this week is hectic, take some time for yourself and relax." Nothing else about I miss you or any of that. Or, I could give it to her New Years Eve when I am leaving her club.

I am not sure if I should do that though. I want to hold back, but a lot of women have told me that girls say they want space, but that they don't want complete space - hence her texts yesterday and her call today. She has been telling me for a few weeks that she needs a mani/pedi/spa thing.

Any thoughts?

[shheadz]

Everything sounds pretty good to me.

Watch out with visiting her at work just before midnight. She's going to be swamped, and never more so then just before the witching hour. It's not that she won't appreciate the gesture, but you may feel disappointed when this big plan of yours doesn't play out the way you're envisioning it. Still.. I'd do it! I mean, who doesn't want that kiss at midnight?

The gift card sounds like a good idea. Especially if she's already said it's something she wants. However gift cards are so impersonal. Maybe get her some flowers, and put the gift card inside the little envelope? Or run out to the mall and get a really cheesy "at home spa" basket, and put the gift card in there. She'll be disappointed at first.. not exactly what she had in mind for a "spa", but then you can both laugh when she finds the real gift buried inside.

Good luck!