How do I ask him if we are still 'dating'?

[tropigal82]

For the long version of this story you can see my other thread "my boyfriend wants to be friends before being lovers".

So we've been meeting up and spending alot of time togethor I would say we have been dating for 5 months. Then 2 weeks ago he became emotionally and physically distant, like a wall had gone up. We had a 'chat' and he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and could we please take two steps back, (we haven't had sex yet because he said he 'respects me too much' but I don't know if thats the real reason or not). So after this chat, I thought he was basically dumping me and I assumed that was the end of any potential relationship. Even though I was devastated inside, I was trying hard to act cool about the situation. I said "well, that's a shame because I always enjoyed our gallery visits and dinner dates". And he replied "oh, we'll still do all of that, infact there's a few things lined up that I was hoping you'd come to with me." So I thought, ok fine, we've taken two steps back, and we are still 'dating'. Except that since then he hasn't kissed me on the lips or held my hand.

The other day on the phone he told me that he really cares about me. But if this is so, then why on earth is he keeping me at arms length?! So tommorrow we have a 'dinner date' lined up. Although I am looking forward to seeing him, part of me is dreading the emotional turmoil of being with him but being 'kept at arms length'. I want to ask him whether we are still dating, why he has stopped showing me his warmth and affection and yet still wanting to see me. I just don't know how to word it. And I feel like he is trying to convince himself that if we are not in a relationship, then we are casual 'mates', and he has started calling me 'mate' which I feel is his way of convincing himself that it's all just casual. Except that it's not just casual - there ARE feelings there. And its not that he's lost total interest in me because he said that "he wants us to form a strong friendship first before any chance of a sexual relationship develops."

I don't know whether to act nonchalant and care-free when I see him tommorrow OR whether to attempt to ask what is going on with us (and most likely I will end up crying and getting all emotional and I don't know how he would react to that.)

[Nomie]

You don't kiss a friend, I think thats what he wanted from you.
There only two things here that I think you can do.
1. Is agreeing to be his friend as he requested you or 2 to cut your los if you see that your feelings towards him are more than what he wanted to you. Why I am saying that is because you are hurt already but you are allowing him to hurt you more. I don't think is a wise move to keep on seeing him since his feelings towards you are different from yours.

Once a man asked a space, whatever you were both doing at that time to me it sounds like he is saying is over?
I know how difficult it is to be inlove with someone who is not into you. The best part from you is to move on with your life without him. Because by continuing with seeing him and expecting him to do more than friend supporse to do that on its own its hurting.
Don't allow your feelings for this guy to blind you.

[shheadz]

I think you should do more than ask him about it. I think you should give him an ultimatum. Either you're together, so start acting like it, or you're not, in which case there will be no friendship either.

I've mentioned this in other threads, but I was in a similar limbo state with my ex for about a month. I didn't know if we were a couple, if we were just friends, if she had feelings for me, etc. I let it drag on for a month, and in the end I only felt more hurt, and started to have resentment towards her. I could have avoided the whole freakin' problem if I just asked her up front what her deal was, or what she thought we were doing together.

He may choose to end the relationship if you give him an ultimatum, but at least you can avoid a month or more of hurting, trying, failing, and eventual heartache.

[lhn]

Hey Tropigal... I recently became friends with someone I work with at a bar. She's great and helped me a ton when I was going through my split. I adore her in everyway but not any more than that. I haven't ever kissed her or anything sexual in the slightest. Nor did I ever intend to. The point I'm getting to is this... I found myself calling her "babe" etc and realised I was taking her down the wrong road, so I quickly stopped that. I replaced it with "mate" to reaffirm our 'status' if you like. (on a side note, i had previously told her i wasn't interested in her that way, but i was giving mixed messages).

I was doing it cos i was upset I didn't have that type of relationship with anyone anymore.

I know you have been seeing him 5 months and things have been sexual... perhaps he is having second thoughts about all of it. Personally, complete nutcase... you're obviously very attractive but maybe he is taking you into 'friend zone'.

Just my 2 cents and perhaps I'm completely out the ballpark.

[tropigal82]

Thanks for the advice :o)

I've tried giving him 'space' but he's back in contact the next day, asking what my plans are and when can we next meet up etc.

>lhn< yes things were getting very intense between us very quickly (even I was surprised) even though we have not had sex, we have been kissing for hours on end sometimes and he even said "words cannot describe how amazing I feel right now with you here" and even a week before xmas hols he texted me saying "can't wait to spend all week in bed with you and kissing you all over xxxxxx" and yet then I didn't see him for that whole week he was out partying instead. He apologised and said I had "met him at 'bad point' in his life because he wasn't the nicest person around at the moment" and that he "was sorry for being selfish".....and then that's when he said we should "take it slow this time" and then a few days later that turned into "let's take it two steps backwards" and so one minute we're going forwards, the next minute backwards...

Oh well I just don't know what to think anymore! I guess we'll see what happens tommorrow night on our 'dinner date'. I'm kinda nervous!!!