Feel a little derailing

[FrailWings]

Hey everyone, i'm a frequent poster on here. I hate how i can give advice but never take it for myself. Anyways, it's been about 6 weeks since my ex and i broke up. Nearly a month of NC. Which in all fairness, i thought i'd never far, it's been hell at times, but i've managed to keep it up. However, at the minute, i'm going through a real mixture of emotions.

One minute, i'm sort of glad this has happened, i've became fairly popular now, people see me for who i am, and i'm now spending time with all my friends, and since our break up i've made about 20 new friends, which i talk to every now and then. At times, i feel like i'm free, if that makes sense. I'm my own man, and i'm only 18 with my life ahead of me.

However on the other hand, i can feel down, and i really miss my ex. The times we shared, and just her being there. Although it was a bit of a sour ending to the 14 month relationship. I still feel, i've got that chance if i speak to her. It's just sheer gut feeling. Which in truth will probably seem slightly stupid, and probably false hope. Anyways, i've been feeling more downs than ups at the minute. Just lately i've really felt like i'm missing her lots, and there's been times where i really felt like breaking NC, even though i shouldn't, it just feels like instinct that i should.

I'm trying my best to try and move on, but it just seems, again, i'm derailing slightly. Things don't bother as much now, i mean, she deleted me off Facebook a few days ago, and that just seemed childish. But she's unblocked me on msn, and kept me unblocked? It just seems like she's messing with my head or playing games. Which i'm not playing or falling for.

I have been feeling lonely lately, i've missed her. The thought of me not being able to find someone else has also started to enter my head. Although i've found new popularity amongst people, i can't help feel, that i let her pass me by. Even though i did all i can, and i gave a hell of a lot more effort in the relationship. I have stressed from A-Level work as well, and planning for university, and it just feels like everything is getting on top of me. I dunno, it just seems, there's a little crack appearing in my armour, so to speak.

[cmacattack1]

You just hit a rough patch man. We all hit it, we can't be consistantly entertained and happy every hour of every day.

I know your instinct is telling you otherwise, but your instinct is what put you in this mess in the first place. You may think she is playing games deleting you off facebook but what if she is doing it for her own sake and not to mess with you? She might be doing it to try and help herself move on. And I think you are feeling scared that she won't want to come back and that is entirely possible. It's up to her to decide if she wants to come back and if she wants to, she will. There isn't really much else you can do, but to continue to do what you want to do.

Continue with no contact. Don't second guess yourself, you are doing the right thing for you.

Do you miss her in particular or do you miss having somebody there? Ask yourself that question. There is a big difference.

[FrailWings]

I totally agree on the big difference between the two. I seem to switch between the two, i miss the company, then i feel i miss her, it's back and forth. So that'd suggest i miss having someone there. But even now, i compare her to others, and that's why i don't really want to go into another relationship. I got my perspective back on the relationship, but not on women, if that makes sense.

It's constant ups and downs, and i am trying my best to move along. I know that the most likely outcome is that she won't come back.

[cmacattack1]

You don't know if she doesn't want to or not, but if that attitude helps to keep your feelings and emotions at bay, I say go with it. I think you are idolizing her for all the good things she represented when I'm sure she made some serious mistakes too and is not a perfect person. Don't put her on that pedestal, it will make things harder for you.

It doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship because it sounds like it's a need. Keep hangin with friends and doing the casual dating thing. You will feel better every day despite the rough patches you will hit.

[FrailWings]

Break through! She's start talking to me via msn, about 5 minutes ago, asking how i was etc. I was very blunt, and now i've left the conversation dead. Putting no effort in. Wow this is completely unexpected.

[cmacattack1]

Blunt eh? What happened?

[FrailWings]

Okay, she unblocked me on msn. We were both were blunt and she complained about that. When I was blunt she changed her name to. Ahaha lovelovelovelove. And then to, its okay forget me. Eventually we spoke fully for 5 hours, in that time we said she misses me everyday and that if we worked, we may get together but we'd have to say how things go. She wants to go out a few times and she even suggested this week. She said that I was everything to her, she never sleeps well and she stays up late just thinking. She now has my number, and she said that we were in a bad place when we broke up. We both agreed we needed to break up then. She said she doesn't believe in love anymore. But yet she wants to see me? We had a laugh, she said that she felt she was constantly hurting me and she felt it was best for me. We eventually agreed we'd go out every now and then, and see how things go.

[cmacattack1]

I don't know if I like the sound of this man.

All I heard from this is that "I'm lonely, I'm hurt, I'm in pain, I need it to stop"

You are the only one that can make it stop. So she came to you finally and cracked.

I would be extremely cautious. I know this is what you wanted more than anything, but I just have this feeling that she hasn't changed a bit and that if you were to go back to things as they were, it wouldn't work out again and you'd be back here at step one.

So you guys were both at a bad place when the break up happened? There were some serious problems there and they need to be addressed. I know you just want to get back to normal and all the good times but I'm telling you that this is just going to be temporary. This situation is not even close to being fixed.

[FrailWings]

Okay, i'll explain better, because my previous post was a rush.

She spoke, and we were awkward, and she hated it. Anyways, she kept trying to make convo. We eventually got talking. After 3 hours of talking, and laughing, we ended up talking about us. I said, that, there is something still there, but i don't want to get hurt, we need to change completely. She said that, she doesn't wanna get hurt, but we'd both need to work hard and change things in our relationship to make it work. We both agreed that it'd have to be slow, and we'd take it from there. We're going to go out a few times.

I'm trying to keep my guard up. But she was crying when we were talking constantly, she said she misses me. She hasn't slept good, but ever since we spoke, she has slept well...

My head's a bit scrambled from lots of work, so i can't remember EVERYTHING at the minute, but those are the key points, when i get a chance, i'll post what else is missing, but there's nothing much.

[Spaz1one1]

Just don't get your hopes up, please.
The more you expect, the more you get disappointing. Less expectation, less disappointment.

And I'm pretty sure you're not the only one that needs to change. Let her know that she needs to change as well.
Just be careful.. This really CAN be temporary.

[cmacattack1]

The time apart was the time to change. She didn't but now she wants to change while pursuing something with you? It's more of a promise than any actual action. And promises have been broken already.

I don't think there was enough time to change. She didn't sleep well but now that she has you back in the picture she seems to sleep better. Seems to be motivated purely by her self interest. Did she even apologize about anything she did from the past relationship? Did she show some serious self reflection? She dumped you and I highly doubt it.

[FrailWings]

Yeah she apologised for everything. She said we were in a terrible state, and we were hurting each other. Which i agree on, but she said if it's ever to work we can't go back to that.

We've both changed, and she has. But i'm being very cautious.