Engagement? Question for the guys

[Ameera]

It's great that you know what you want, now's the part where you have to understand that just because you are somewhere emotionally, your partner may not be. This could be for any number of reasons, from the fact that you leave dirty used q-tips lying about to he cannot afford the ring he feels you deserve as an engagement gift. The question you have to ask yourself is, how long are you willing to wait for him to ask and is that time a reasonable one or one based upon your own arbitrary desires?

I know for a fact that we won't financially be in a position to arrange a wedding for another couple of years, me because I am doing a course for a year starting in April whilst working, and he is planning to buy a house this year which will of course cost a lot. So the rational side of my brain is telling me that we should not get engaged until next year at some point, because I don't really want a long engagement period. But at the same time I find it hard to stop dreaming about getting engaged, especially because most of his friends are married and most of the girls I work with are engaged, so there are constant reminders everywhere

[Gigabitch]

I don't know what the divorce rate is like where you live, but I would think it might make you more cautious. I've been divorced. It SUCKS. Don't rush into getting married.

Are you more interested in the marriage or the wedding? It's okay if it's the wedding, just be honest with yourself about it. You've probably been brought up to think of your wedding day as the most perfect, beautiful day of your life. A lot of girls have. It's no surprise you'd want it to happen sooner rather than later.

[sookie6]

But at the same time I find it hard to stop dreaming about getting engaged, especially because most of his friends are married and most of the girls I work with are engaged, so there are constant reminders everywhere

I understand your questions because it can be daunting to be ready and feel that your bfriend does not seem to be.

Have you asked your friends how they got married or proposed?

They can maybe give you some tips or advice on how to go about this.

In any case avoid any kind of direct ultimatum cos men don't react well to this...

[Ameera]

Are you more interested in the marriage or the wedding?

To be honest I am not so bothered about having a "big beautiful wedding". I just want to be married to the man I love, and I want the ceremony itself to be relatively simple with only close friends and family present. So I can honestly say I've never been one of those women who have been planning their wedding since they were in primary school

[davidtorres]

1st.... its a turn off for a guy if you asked them about marriage. If we want to get married then we will bring it up.
2. Since you already brought up marriage, you should listen to what he said. What he said does not have any deeper meaning in it. It means what it means.
3. Bring it up again and tell him I am in the point of my life what I want to get married. What's stopping you to marry me? What are you looking for? You have to understand that guys think logically. let me give you a peak inside a guys head/or my head.

a. can she cook?
b. can she take care of me?
c. can i trust her?
d. does she have any guys that are trying to get with her and she entertains them or flirt with them?
e. does she have a career?
f. is she fit?
g. is she good in bed?
h. are we getting along?
i. how do we deal with problems or arguments?
j. is she honest?"

Now, ask yourself all that.

[sookie6]

Sadly David Torres is right...

I think guys tend to marry women who take care of them (a bit like their mother used to do).

My ex loved cuddles, I mean real cuddles like you would give a kid and wanted to hold me in his arms real tight for most of the night...

Well as romantic as this might seem I hated that!

My little sis is a home maker. Whenever she 's home she cooks for her bfriend and I remember him being so excited coming back from work because he could smell her cooking from the stairs...he said smelled like home...you see?

I realised probably too late that guys are really like kids you know...they want to be pampered (food, sex, ironing their shirts...oh yes and also not only do you need to do these things but you also need to look happy to do them

I also liked question 3 of David Torres: just ask your bfriend straight away and see his responses!

[Ameera]

Thanks for your responses I am feeling more optimistic about this situation now, as he told me on Valentine's Day that he thinks I'm the love of his life. So maybe he will pop the question at some point too

[cmacattack1]

Hopefully it wasn't just the Valentine's Day inspiration that brought upon that revelation. I'm rooting for you guys.

[Incognito]

He has also said since then that he sees himself with me in 20 years.

Furthermore, he was engaged to his ex-girlfriend, but he told me that the only reason he proposed was because they were having massive problems and he thought an engagement would fix it...

Both of these statements worry me. "I see myself with you in 20 years" could mean any number of things. I could mean that I plan on breaking up with you, dating someone else, and coming back to you. It could mean that he is simply giving you a far off number just to pacify you. That first statement is nothiong more than a clever question dodge.

The second statement I find even more worrisome. Reading between the lines I'd expect that this guy will never propose to you unless your relationship is about to end. 'Popping the question' should NOT simply be an 'ace up his sleeve'. If I knew you personally and we were close I'd tell you to maybe see how things go within the next year, and to leave if nothing changes.

I personally proposed because I thought that I had found a wonderful woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, not as some sort of last ditch effort to keep a failing relationship from breaking completely.

[Incognito]

Frankly I don't give a shit what forum it's posted in. Honestly I don't even look where it's posted I go to new threads and post at will.

I sort of agree with this, because I have seen (in my short time here) messages posted by guys in the 'Ask a Female' section that probably should have been here, or a question that came up during the course of the posting that I felt I could answer. I did answer and I am glad that there wasn't any backlash from it. Unfortunately the title of the thread is 'Engagement? Question for the guys' and you (girl68) were the first to answer and later went on to say "I know what he's thinking because he told me". Well just in keeping with the wishes of the author of the thread (hence the specific title) it would have made sense to actually let a guy take a stab at the situation first. I'll also point out that you claiming to know what he is thinking because of something that someone you dated told you is a generalization. I certainly don't think like every single man out there. My view on men is a llittle skewed too, which is why I have only one male friend. Despite that, and being male myself, I don't claim to know what any random guy is thinking because one other guy told me something.

[dewilliams2]

Sometimes if things are going really well guys can get sort of comfortable with the way things are but now that he knows how you feel chances are he realizes you want to move forward and if he said he sees himself with you in 20 years then give him some time go get some stuff together (like the ring, and his nerves) and he will probably ask you...if he doesn't in a few months then don't be afraid to bring it up again but don't get angry or push him on it because that will just push him away...guys don't liked to be pushed on these sorta things we do them when we do them....all we think is that if she is pushing so hard now what happens when we get married...she will push on everything and I will always jump through hoops.

[IndiReloaded]

Nothing wrong with wanting a partner who will look after you. This is exactly what will happen to one of you if you go the distance into old age.

I think David's list is quite reasonable. My own list (female) wasn't far off. In my case, we both knew we wanted to be married, so the fit was natural. There are guys out there who know they want a wife and family. Up to you to find them. Its important to find out in the early months of dating what your partners thoughts are about family and marriage. If you aren't having those conversations you aren't doing your due diligence. In my dating years, I was able to triage most guys in about 2-3 dates and knew if they were a fit or not.

[girl68]

Unfortunately the title of the thread is 'Engagement? Question for the guys' and you (girl68) were the first to answer and later went on to say "I know what he's thinking because he told me". Well just in keeping with the wishes of the author of the thread (hence the specific title) it would have made sense to actually let a guy take a stab at the situation first.

Oh please, is my response worse because it was posted first? Shit...

But I'm thinking he's perfectly happy with you and will marry you in due time.