Hello again,
Kind of getting tired of the whole situation I find myself in, not sure how I am going to get out and what I actually want.
Quick overview (more detailed posts of issus are around):
Met girlfriend 2 1/2 years ago, never did the whole mad sex and lust phase. Not helped by my travel anxiety which prevented me staying over at hers, she understood though and did stay over at mine.
Things have never been easy with us, at times seemed a bit of a uphill struggle. She moved in for 6 months while looking for a new flat, it was nice and we got really close but then last year she moved out into her new flat with best friend. When she did things changed (she lived with her friend before me, kind of moved out as she could stand the other person they lived with).
When she moved back I saw less of her, she stopped coming over to mine and she told me that she needed some space and to spend some time with her friend as she felt bad about leaving her before and she needed to focus on their friendship.
Couple of months later we had a long conversation about things not really progressing and us doing nothing as a couple anymore, agreed to move forward and try and work on the relationship.
Things started to get better and were going well until she started to become really quite, getting annyoed at me for no reason, never wanted to go out, again stopepd coming over to mine.
This resulted in her wanting some time apart, which I gave her and then that progressed into a break up as I wasn't giving her enough attention and wasn't fighting to keep her even though she said I needed to back off and give her space.
Took me a while but I started to get over it, missed her like crazy. Was a messy breakup as she would phone me drunk and shout at me down the phone telling me how much I had ruin her life.
After three months she got back in touch as I had still had some of her stuff so we met for coffee, had a good chat and decided to give it anohter go. She told me she had missed me and had made a mistake and we got back together. Before we did she told me that she had been with somebody else, which I was fine with and said it didn't matter as it didn't. She said only the one person though and it was a random one night stand.
Things had started to get back on track, I now stayed over hers and she started to stay over at mine. Never had sex, she was very unresponsive and closed to intamicy, but then found out was because she had got an infection (not anything serious just an irritation). So waited, that cleared up but she was still unresponsive and not willing to be intimate, which then she said was because she had a confidence problem and did before. Which made me feel a bit better as when we broke up one of the mahor reasons was lack of a sex life between us which she blamed on me as she insistied she was very confident.
Anyway I said that we just needed to talk and we could work through it, I didn't have much confidence eaither and together we could work through it. She even suggested seeing a therapist which I agreed to.
Come valetines day things are going well, had a lovely weekend and in the evening we went out to an event with her flat mate whcih was cool. When we arrived she became really quite and nervous as there was one of her firends work mates there. I didn;t really like this guy, I know she was in touch with him as they live int eh same building and he goes out with them. I asked her about him when we got back together as I suspected he was the guy that she had the one night stand with but she said it wasn't but I suspected there was something more, like he had asked her out or something.
Anyway as we sat there she turned round and told me she had slep with him (as well as the other guy) when we were not together, she was really sorry and didn't want me to break up with me becasue of it. Well I was a little annoyed with her, and told her as she had lied but was not going to break up with her but was not happy that she had still been talking to him and seeing him (understandably I feel).
Well at this time I came clean and told her that I had been with somebody else when we were appart so she didn't have to feel guilty, did nothing wrong. To say the mood changed at this point would be an understatement, she was annoyed at me, wouldn't look at me or touch me.
We left anyway as I was staying over and needed to get some stuff from her flat as decided it was best not to stay at this point. So we sat and talked for a bit and things were ok, until her flat mate brought the guy home for a couple of drinks which was somewhat aqward.
I left anyway shortly after, but it was now late and I needed to get home (fortunatly I hadn;t drank anything that evening).
Following day she contacts me to say she needs some time to think and that she was not going ot be in touch for a couple of days. Bit of a shock but undertandable so I waited and after a couple of days she suggested we meet up and talk.
Well we met up, she didn't think about canceling but I insisted and we had quite a nice chat and things seemed to be ok, she said she had a lot of stuff going on in her life (being skint and wanting a new job one of the main ones) and that she was bored and unfufilled with what she was doing with her life. Said that she wasn't going to be able to see me as often and wasn;t going to keep talking to me with all her problems as she felt it was unhealthy as she was becoming too dependant on me.
I understood and siad I was ok with that, all I asked was we still kept in touch, even if it was just a couple of text messages a day, etc. and make an effort to meet up once a week and go out on a date and try new things. She accepted that and said that would be nice to do and was a good idea and thanked me for understanding.
I hadn't seen her for a bit then one night when she rang me, and kept ringing me because she missed me and wanted me to go and see her (she as a little drunk admitily so my fault) but she wanted to come and stay over. So I went and saw her, when I go there she was nice and sweet, we went and got some food and then sat and watched some TV for 30 mins or so. When I suggested about gettin off she then said she didn;t want to now as she was worried about leaving her flat mate int he flat on her own, this annoyed me slightly but it wasn't a problem and I said I would stop there instead. Had a good chat in the morning with her before setting off and things seemed ok.
Well following day when I am at work she gave me a call for a chat but I was busy about to go into a meeting, she appologised and said she just wanted to say sorry about the night before but would call me later. Well I didn't hear from her for two days then.
I barely hear from her anymore, kisses have gone from messages she sends, same with not "sweetie", "baby", "gorgeous", etc. Just get "Hey you" instead which seems quite strange, suggested meeting up for a date, no answer. Getting very frustated, this is basically been going on for two weeks now and I am getting quite frustrated.
Understandably so I feel as no contact is a bit frustrating, I would actually like to see the person that is my girlfirend, or at least hear from her on the same day when I send her a message or try and call, not two days later.
Another bone of contention I have is the guy that she was with, work collegue of her flat mate, well understandbly I feel I am not happy about her seeing him. I assume, and correct me if I am out of line here but I am not happy about her calling, meeting up with the guy and who I know given the chance would go with her again.
I told her this and she said it was not fair and her flat mate said that I was being unreasonable and it was not fair on her (flat mate) for me to get jealouse of her (my girlfriend) seing him and it would make it awkard for them as a group. End of it she can't stop seeing him as it is not fair on her flat mate, though I think the texting and calls to her instead of flat mate are a bit much.
Ayway this is bugging me, I was in a relationship before when my girlfriend cheated on me, I had met the guy, asked her if anything was going on and it was denied. I don't want to be mistrustful but I don't want to be hurt again. COmbine with the fact a week before the whole kick off thing it was 2 am when we got back from a night out, she had forgotten her mobile and had a message form him when she got back. Nothing serious just a comment about a bouncer ina club or something. ANyway I was lying in bed with her, trying to get her in the mood and she was responding but then rolled over and started to reply to this guy. I asked her who she was texting, she said she wasn't, I told her I could see she was writing a text and she put her phone down then stopped talking to me and just rolled over. Well I deicded to leave as she said she was going to sleep and I had to get off as I was giving somebody a lift.
Anway after all this I was getting more annoyed, really want stuff to work between us but she doens't appear to be putting in any effort at all, despite telling me that she wants it to work and wants it to work between us. Spoke to her the other day as she rang an asked if I fancied a chat, first time in a week she wanted to chat and the first time in all the time I have know her that I spent on the phone not really bothered about talking to her and I hate that. I just feel exhausted with the whole thing and I am getting to the end of what I am deal with. Combined with the fact that she told me she has been out every night partying, despite compaliaing about not having any chase and not taking the time to reply to me when I asked how she was or tried to contact her.
Final straw tonight when logging onto Facebook to update some info first post in my timeline was my girlfriend being tagged in several photos in an album of "the guy" out on one her nights out this week, which means she was out with him again.
I hate being distrustful and feeling this way about somebody who I care for so very much and love, I keep thinking maybe I am overreacting to the whole thing and reading more into it than there is but I jsut don't know.
I know she is unhappy with a lot of things and has some problems she needs to work through but she was willing to wait for me so I feel bad not being willing to wait for her to try and fix her problems as she doesn't seem to be doing anything and everthing is still the smae as it was over a year ago when we were having problems.
I also feel like a hypocrite being annoyed at her for lying to be about sleeping with this guy when we were broken up and lying about it to me, even though I did the same, although she never asked if I had done aything when we were appart. Did ask who she was as saw her name in my phone and I didn't lie totally, jsut didn't tell her about hte one night stand as she was soembody I knew before hand. But is still a lie which is why I came clean.
I love her so much but at the same point I can see patterns emerging with her like what happened with my ex beforehand when she actaully cheated on me and then left me. That really messed up a lot as we lived together for three years, were engaged and then found she was lying for over a year left a lot of issues I had to deal with. Seeing the patterns appearing again but I don't know if that is becasue I am looking for them to prevent myself getting hurt or if I am justified int he way I feel.
As it stands now I think I should just walk away but I don't want to make a decision I will regret doing, however at the same point I don't want to be in relationship where I never see or hear from my girlfriend and who is going out and meetin gup with a guy I know she has had a thing with and given the opportunity he would try it on with her again.
I think I know the answer but don't want to admit it to myself, I suppose I am just looking for some reasurance that indeed it is the right answer. I don't know, thanks for reading this rather long winded rant, any advice, suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I have never been in a position like this before.
S