Her darkest secret ... maybe?

[MyNameIs]

Hi,

First of all, I’ve been reading some threads in this great forum before posting, and I feel that you might give me some ideas of what to do! I’d usually ask my friends about their thoughts, but in this case, I feel like I’m uncovering a secret of her so big that I don’t even want to plant the idea in my friend’s heads … It should be her choice alone whom she tells and whom she doesn’t tell. That’s why I came here for advice.

I've met someone in August last year... We've started flirting, then dating quite soon after, and the first "I love you" slipped out of my mouth about mid November. We have spent a whole lot of time together, doing things, talking, enjoying the time... I think I have a quite good idea of the person I’m with …

I have the suspicion that she’s been sexually abused by someone in her family, or close to her family, most likely her dad (who I’ve never met). She has no contact to her parents, made her own way through live, and this quite successful. In general she is a very open person and she has hardly any secrets from me (in fact, I’d say none besides this secret I’m writing about) … She doesn’t mind sharing details of her life, even things she isn’t proud of… or telling me her fears, emotions and dreams. She’s also very upfront and frank, and says what she thinks. Something I like very much about her.

The first sign I’ve picked up that there might be something dark in the past of my perfect girl was end of November. We were talking about sex, and I told her how horrible my first time was, before asking her “So, when did you lose your virginity?”. I didn’t ask how, I asked when, expecting an age as answer … she smiled at me, almost embarrassed, waiting a couple of seconds before she said “Some things I don’t spill.” I was a bit surprised, because she is a very open person, also sexually, and we’re both at an age where the first time is at least a decade ago. She had no shame before in telling me what kind of things she likes in bed, or telling me stories of some previous adventures. I therefore found it a bit odd that she would keep this detail to herself.

But I didn’t think too much about it, and we carried on having a great time… But I did notice that every time she went back to her hometown, she became very emotional. I thought it was because of her brother, who she grew up with there and who passed away there a couple of years ago, and the many things that reminded her of him. They were very close, and he and her best friend were the only ones she had during her “shit childhood”, as she says. But that wasn’t the whole reason for her getting emotional.

A couple of days ago, when we were on the phone because she’s back in her hometown, she became all emotional again … out of the blue for me, it was definitely not something we were talking about on the phone that caused it (because we were talking about the Olympics). She said, fighting against her tears “you know, I have so many memories here, not just my brother, other things that I get quite emotional about… I have to sort some things out … I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”. I agreed, said that it was okay and that I love her… I didn’t dare asking what kind of things she meant. I know that she would have told me if she wanted me to know.
The phone call the next day was similar. It started off normal, before she got emotional again, and apologized to me for being so. I told her that it was okay, and then I said “Listen babe, I’ll ask this just once, and I’ll respect whatever your answer is … do you wanna tell me what’s bothering you, or would you rather not?”. She sighted, answering “I’ll keep it to myself… It’s not appropriate to share yet”. I said alright and we went on talking about other things.

It has happened twice or three times before that I said something she got quite upset about. I don’t really remember what I’ve said, because it was something normal and unimportant, just a comment… And I realized that it wasn’t me she was upset with, she was more upset with herself for letting a normal thing I’ve said getting to her… I’m guessing I’ve triggered something in her, unintentionally, by using words, phrases or metaphors that reminded her of someone or something else.

I know that she had not the best of relationships with her parents. Her dad was very strict, a traditional Muslim who found his beautiful daughter disobeying his orders and turning against his and any religion as soon as she could develop her own thoughts. He didn’t hesitate to punish her with a leather belt. At age 14, she was sent to finishing school. From the moment she was 18, she “ran away”, and made her own way through life.


So here I am, with a handful of evidence of what might have happened… But I don’t know whether this is her way of leading me towards it, or whether she’d prefer that I’d never find out. Or – maybe I’m reading it all wrong, and I’m so obsessed with this fear, that I can’t see any other option for what she’s hiding.

The only thing that doesn’t fit is the physical closeness she’s looking for… She wants to sleep in my arms every night, lay against me on the couch or sit on my lap with my arms around her. Also, she has quite a sexual overdrive, no problem of showing off her body, and she’s not the slightest bit ashamed of herself. She has a very big ego … sometimes almost annoyingly big. Those seem to be characteristics not very typical for a victim of sexual abuse – but she’s not a very typical girl.

I think I’ll just wait and see what the future brings… But I am worried. I feel like I should let her know that whatever it is she’s not telling me, it won’t change what I feel for her, it won’t change what we have… And that she doesn’t have to tell me if she doesn’t want to.

If you’re still reading all my blabla … what do you think? What would you do if you were about to uncover something like this? Or is this something completely different and I’m worrying way too much?

Thank you for reading this and for your thoughts!

[vashti]

I don't see what good can come of your speculations. Just be patient. She will tell you what she wants you to know, and you really don't have any valid reason to suspect sexual abuse at this point.

[sookie6]

From what you've told us I don't think there has been sexual abuse...it's actually quite uncommon in muslim families you know. The girl's virginity is soooo important to the whole family's honor + there is a natural distance between fathers and daughters...

I am not saying it's unheard of but if the father is a practising muslim he would have wanted his girl intact for maraiage...

[Gigabitch]

You're trying to put a whole picture together with only three puzzle pieces. She will tell you eventually. Just wait.

Why does she keep going back to the place that makes her so miserable?

[SirWagginston]

I wonder if maybe her dad found out that she had sex as a teenager, and punished her very severely for it. It sounds more likely than sexual abuse, in this case.

[xyz]

“I’ll keep it to myself… It’s not appropriate to share yet”.

There's your answer. If It doesn't seem like whatever this is is hurting you guys as a couple, you should probably just focus on the positive and wait things out. If she's as open and honest as she sounds, she'll tell you as soon as she's ready.

My ex was physically abused (but never sexually, to the best of my knowledge) by a family member, and it left some deep scars. If she got hurt, sexually or otherwise, and is dealing with it shows a lot of strength. If you do happen to be right and she's handling it pretty well, I'm sure you can too if you care about her

[Lillie]

I don't think that sexual abuse is the issue here but as other posters have said...it is a case of waiting it out; sooner or later she will open up and tell you everything. Given the fact that she ran away as a young teenager and made her way through life.....I am given to thinking that perhaps she may have "worked" for a living; just a thought and forgive me if I am wrong....but if this should be the case then please don't hold it against her.