Is something afoot?

[icebox]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for five years, and lived together for two. We've always been very open with each other, I know her ATM-cards PIN code, her email password, her work password, she's never been void of me using her computer and phone etc..

A couple of months ago, I started to realize a change. She started using the computer a lot more, and definitely started becoming more secretive about what she did. She often went to the bedroom to write SMS messages, and when I asked what she was doing in there for so long, she simply answered "I was just answering a text message".

I got curious, and since I'm a CS major, the first thought I had was to retrieve the contents of her email. I noticed a lot of messages from a guy named Michael Wilson. But nothing really out of the ordinary, just random chatter about work related stuff and movies and that sort of thing.

Either way, it arroused my suspicion, because she usually talks about all the people she works with, male and female.

So I went one step further, and put up a script that sent me her IM history once per day.
One conversation they talked about "this upcoming Friday, Alice is having a movie night". And she asked if he wanted to come along. He replied that he probably would stop by. She had not said a word about this to me, so I very casually asked if she had any plans for the weekend. She then replied that she was going to Alice for a movie night, but probably not a movie I'd be interested in. I replied that I had no other plans, so I could very much come along if she wanted to. She said OK.
When we then got into bed, she was awfully quiet, and said that sometimes, she simply wanted to do something with the girls, without me there.
That's fine by me, I said. I'll find something else to do.

The next day, she had changed her mind, and wanted me to tag along. Finally, I would meet this mystery character "Michael". When we got there, though, there was no Michael. And no-one mentioned that he couldn't come or anything like that.

So I checked the previous logs from IM, and realized that my girlfriend had written "Oh, my boyfriend will be there, by the way" in a chat. But Michael hadn't replied.


--

Now I'm really suspicious, so I setup a Remote Desktop connection to her computer, so that I can monitor what she does. One password I've never had is her Facebook password, so that's the main point of this remote desktop connection. Then I can see what she writes in real time, and how she writes.
As I was afraid of, she rewrites her sentences alot when writing to Michael, afraid of being misinterpreted.
Michael often teases her in a "flirty" kind of way, but she never replies in the same fashion. Although, one time she wrote something in the realms of "You always have so many negative (the flirty kind referenced in the previous sentence) things to say about me. What are the positive?"

She never got an answer about that, so one time I caught her almost sending "I'm waiting for that list of positive things!", but then deleting it.

--

Anyways, yesterday, I got really annoyed.
Over the weekend, they have a short day at work (she's already told me about it), and so do I. I cought her replying to Michael, "By the way, do you want to go see Shutter Island on Monday after work?", and then adding "or maybe Valentines day?", and then quickly removing the last part from the message. She sent the message, and quickly got an answer "Sure!".
Since I'd already seen the movie, I thought maybe that's why she didn't want to ask me. But seeing as I love the movie, a bit later in the evening I watched the trailer for the new Leo-movie, Inception. I also said, "Man, Leonardo sure can act. Oh, you haven't seen Shutter Island yet. Maybe we can go to the movies and see it together? I'd love to see it again.".
She simply replied "Yeah, maybe we can.", and when I followed up with "What time is good for you?", she said "We'll just see."

She went to bed early that night.


Any tips, hints? How should I deal with this? I really don't think she's actually cheating on me – yet, but she is way more distant, she always deletes her browser history and never leaves her phone lying around anymore.

[JJfromphilly]

sounds to me like she is flirting around the issue. She probably enjoys the attention michael gives her but is not ready to move forward. I would bet she hasnt cheated yet, but entertains the idea.

It sounds like your losing her....but havnt lost her yet. Rather than setting up sophisticated spying techniques which will only hurt your own feelings i would confront her. Get it over with! Its gonna be hard but just do what u gotta do....

[icebox]

Thanks, JJ!

I completely agree, the spying techniques aren't a suitable solution. But, I just had to know … you know?
Anyways, I can't actually say that I've been spying on her either, so that's what I'm wondering about. I've several times told her that she seems distant, and asked if everything's OK. The answer is always yes. Same when I ask her if she's still in love with me, the answer is always "Yes, of course!".
She still cuddles and kisses me with the same (or, actually more) intensity as before, so I can't take that up..

How should I confront her?

[icebox]

Ah, one more thing! After she sends messages to Michael, she almost always opens Picasa and looks at two or three photos of us together that she loves.

[OneQuestion]

Seems like she is trying to decide if she wants to stay with you, and she meeting and flirting with this other guy. They may not be having sex yet, but what she is doing, I would already consider cheating. She is lieing to you, and attempting to hang out with another guy without you knowing.

She should be meeting and testing guys BEFORE she is in a seroius relationship. It seems she isn't ready to be commited. And in the world today, where nobody saves themselves for marriage, and it seems like 70% of people cheat, I would be worried.

You have to be careful as you don't want her to catch on that you are spying on her, that could embarass and enrage her, causing an unresolveable problem!

All you can do is keep monitoring her(to ensure she doesn't cheat on you), and you just have to try to win her back. I know you haven't 'lost' her yet, but that is the direction it is going, you need to change the direction back to you! Do this by being yourself, don't be overly crazy about this, just be the guy she fell in love with and hopefully she will forget about this michael.

You have a very hard road in front of you. Good luck!

[icebox]

Thank you so much for your input, OneQuestion!

I feel very much like what you're saying is a step in the right direction.
Although, the fact that we'll be moving away from each other over the summer might make it even harder for her to tip in my direction. We'll be about three hours (by plane) away from each other, and mainly visiting each other on the weekends.

What I'm really unsure about is the movie scheduled for her and Michael on Monday. How should I deal with this?


Thanks again, guys (and girls?)!

[Asip4u]

I don't know what you're seeing but there's NOTHING wrong in what you just wrote there. Women love having guy friends and so far she's just trying to create some healthy space between you and her. You're going way overboard with this spying stuff and i dont' know what kind of girl she is, but most women would freak out and leave a guy if he's checking every little thing they do. Sit down and talk to her about these problems instead of spy on her, otherwise you might find the whole thing end very quickly.

[OneQuestion]

The movie is the hardest part because she hasn't mentioned it to you yet, but you know about it. You simpy asked her if she wanted to go with you, but she kind of brushed it off.

The problem is, you can't bring up that you have been spying on her(defintely will ruin everything!). You are going to have to wait and see what she says she is doing that night. Following her is a horrible idea, if she sees you at the theater that would be disaster.

Perhaps you have a friend, that she doesn't know, that would be happy to see a movie(paid for by you ;p ) and give you some info after - ie... any hand holding, arm over shoulder, kissing, etc. This may be really hard to get setup though! Definetely DO NOT go yourself, or send anyone she knows!

If I was in your situation I would be going absolutely crazy right now; I feel for you!

Sorry I know my typing isn't very organized right now, just kind of blurting out thoughts, but, all I think you can really do is wait. You have her IM, facebook, email, computer, everything bugged... so, if anything does happen with this michael, you will surely find out about it soon enough.

Just make sure not to act too crazy. This type of stuff can really put you in a mood or depression. Letting yourself fall into this mood will cause you to be not such a fun person to be around, further pushing her away. Be your happy self while around her. And why not schedule more things to do with her? New things are always great! A new show, say Blue man group, if you haven't seen, or Medieval times, a new restaurant or bar. The same places are fun, but new places are exciting and will get her interest and make her see your are a fun and spontaneous guy.

Really, this whole thing is her fault, she shouldn't be doing what she is doing, but if you want to keep her, you are the one who needs to change/impress her. I know that sucks, but seems how it is.

[icebox]

Hi, Asip4u,

I understand what you're saying, but the fact is that she's never really had any interest in "guy friends" earlier, and whenever a person close to you starts changing the way they act in a drastic fashion, it's not unusual to become suspicious. Would you agree?

I also don't understand why she'd be lying about the movie, and why Michael never showed up to that movie night – if it's nothing to worry about.

Care to explain what I might be missing? I'd of course love it if you in fact are correct. No doubt about that!

[OneQuestion]

I don't know what you're seeing but there's NOTHING wrong in what you just wrote there. Women love having guy friends and so far she's just trying to create some healthy space between you and her. You're going way overboard with this spying stuff and i dont' know what kind of girl she is, but most women would freak out and leave a guy if he's checking every little thing they do. Sit down and talk to her about these problems instead of spy on her, otherwise you might find the whole thing end very quickly.

Are you joking? Lieing about where she is going, and about who she is going with, that is a problem. In a real relationship, lies aren't needed. She is trying to hide something. Not saying she has cheated yet, but she obvoiusly feels she is in the wrong, or else why would she be lieing?

I do agree though, the spying is a little overdone. I look at my GF's website history sometimes, and email if she leaves it open i'll take a quick look at whos' emailing her... but you have taken it to the extreme. I completely understand why, and how you feel, but as Asip4u and I have said, you need to be very careful with what you are doing, because if she does find out about the spying, it will be detrimental.

[Gigabitch]

What I'm really unsure about is the movie scheduled for her and Michael on Monday. How should I deal with this?

Show up. You liked the movie, so it shouldn't be a surprise to her that you might see it again. Show up at her work, too, and scope out this Michael guy. I'm not a big fan of sneaking. I think you should tell her you were spying on her and tell her she's busted. If she gets all pissy about your violation of her privacy (which she has every right to do), apologize simply and tell her why you felt you had to do that.

[icebox]

Hi again, OneQuestion!

Thanks for the feedback, definitely nothing wrong with your writing.
Regarding "not putting myself in a mood", that's definitely the hard part. I'm trying, though.

I have several friends that she don't know, but I'm not quite at the point where I'd like to air my thoughts to my friends yet. It's getting there, though.

If she in fact is falling out of love with me… then that's just how it is. Maybe this recent change in career (she just started in a new job six months ago) has changed her. Maybe she don't feel I'm the right one for her.
And if that is how she feels, that's OK. I'm not one to stand by and stick with a loveless relationship.

[Asip4u]

Hi, Asip4u,

I understand what you're saying, but the fact is that she's never really had any interest in "guy friends" earlier, and whenever a person close to you starts changing the way they act in a drastic fashion, it's not unusual to become suspicious. Would you agree?

I also don't understand why she'd be lying about the movie, and why Michael never showed up to that movie night – if it's nothing to worry about.

Care to explain what I might be missing? I'd of course love it if you in fact are correct. No doubt about that!

You basically checked out all the texts between them and even recognized parts where she was trying to write something inappropriate but she erased it. Why do you think she did that? Because she doesn't want to give this guy a wrong idea. As for Michael, he may or may not be into her but you've done enough spying on her to see that she hasn't said anything that suggests she's into him. The whole lying thing could be just so you don't get a wrong impression and she even mentioned how she wants some time away to do things with her girls. Just because it's a guy doesn't mean there''s something there. I think she knows that you would mind stuff like this so she's keeping it a secret. You really need to TALK to her about this so you can see if there's more to it.

[icebox]

I do agree though, the spying is a little overdone. […] you need to be very careful with what you are doing, because if she does find out about the spying, it will be detrimental.

Believe me, I'm careful. And she's not really that into computers. Everytime the IM logs are sent, they're sent through a SSL connection to a blackbox domain which has a "spoofed" owner. The Remote Desktop-solution is homegrown, and run on a root level, which she has no idea what is.

[Gigabitch]

I'm not one to stand by and stick with a loveless relationship.

Well, I'd hope you're not one to stand by and watch while your girlfriend cheats on you, either. Put a stop to this.