Tell Her How I Feel?

[JD!]

Hey guys. This is my first post here, so hello (waves). I promise I'll post a proper into later, but I wanted to get this down beofre I rush off to uni.

So, I've met a girl at Uni who I am falling for. However, there are a few things that should be mentioned;

Firstly, I’ve known her for just under three weeks. I wonder if that is really long enough to know how you feel about someone? Still, I find her fascinating and the feelings are there so I guess they cannot be denied.

Secondly (and this the emo bit ), I find her fascinating because she is unlike anyone I’ve met before. Well traveled, bi-lingual, ridiculously smart, and incredibly funny. Why would someone such as her be interested in some boring sod like me when she could have anyone? I've never been out of my own country.

Thirdly, we are such good friends I do not want to risk ruining that by telling her how I feel. It happens and it sucks. The relationship is never the same.

When last we spoke we had hung out all day studying together and most of the night having dinner and chatting and walking and laughing like crazy people. When I dropped her off at her place and went to leave she gave me a certain look. There was a slight hesitation in her step and her eyes lingered on mine just a little longer than usual. It was a look that says you don’t want the other person to go, or that you’ve something to say but you aren’t sure just how to say it.

Now, I will be the first to admit that it is entirely possible that there was nothing there, that all of what I said above is simply wishful thinking. But what if it wasn’t....

During one of our conversations - and we have had several quite candid ones - she said that she appreciated people being straight up with her. I sneakily tried to gauge what her reaction would be if I told her how I felt and while I got no indication of her feelings towards me, if there are any, I was able to discern that if someone did tell her they liked her and she didn't feel the same she would take it in good humour and not think anything less of them. This is something I'm inclined to believe and somewhat negates my third point above however I don't want her to think that the only reason I hang out with her is because I'd like to date her. She is seriously fun to be with and that is why I hung out with her originally, the affections came later.

As I've kind of mentioned, we get on incredibly well. She laughs at all my terrible jokes (and they are terrible) so either she's being nice or has a shocking sense of humour. Our interests are similar and we seem to be on a similar wave length. One important factor that should be mentioned is that she is from Canada and has come to Australia to study. Once that is over (in two years) she plans to move on. So, going into this I know it may very well be over in two years, but even knowing that I would still love to be with her for that time. However, one must ask the question of if I know she's leaving would it not be better to simply remain friends?

Maybe I'm thinking this through too much?

So, the question is should I say anything? Should I wait and see if I can get more of an idea as to if she has any feelings for me or should I just be friends with her for the two years before she leaves?

I'd really appreciate an thoughts, comments, suggestions, cream buns or anything anyone is willing to give, and I thank any that do in advance.

Cheers.

P.S. I should also mention that we are hanging out studying again tomorrow. I could tell her then as it would be just the two of us or take the opportunity to again try and figure out if she feels anything towards me. Suggestions?

[cmacattack1]

Take it easy there mate. Two years into the future eh? Let's take it one step at a time here. Anything can happen so let's concentrate on the present here.

I'm more of the take it slow approach here instead of just being straight forward brash in your face "I really like you". I would see where it goes instead of just letting her know ahead of time. It kind of takes the fun and the mysteriousness of people with that kind of tension. Try doing things outside of schoolwork and hang out and have a good time. If she's willing to do that without business involved, you are already on the right track.

You've only known her a couple weeks, you don't know her too well. Don't make assumptions but do pay attention to her. Let things happen of their natural volition, don't rush anything. The more things you do, the closer you will get.

I appreciate your self depreciating humor. Clearly you have no problem poking fun at yourself. That's good, but remember that you have something to offer and she wouldn't hang out with if she didn't enjoy it. So have a little confidence and a little swagger.

I don't mean lunch at her chest swagger, but don't be afraid to be you.

[VincenzoG91]

When I dropped her off at her place and went to leave she gave me a certain look. There was a slight hesitation in her step and her eyes lingered on mine just a little longer than usual. It was a look that says you don’t want the other person to go, or that you’ve something to say but you aren’t sure just how to say it.

[snip]

Maybe I'm thinking this through too much?

When you saw that look in her eyes, you should have kissed her. Don't make the same mistakes I made at that point in my life... don't be detached and analytical, let yourself feel and act on instinct. If you let that moment slip by a few more times, you're going to end up stuck in the friend zone with her, always wondering what could have happened.

[JD!]

Wow, two very diffirent oppinions. Thanks guys. I'll try and speak to them both as best I can.

Cmacattack1;

I'm more of the take it slow approach here instead of just being straight forward brash in your face "I really like you". I would see where it goes instead of just letting her know ahead of time.

This is the approach that I'm most comfortable with, to be honest. I agree that letting things happen naturally is a good way to go about it, however there have been times in the past where I've done this, the relationship when nowhere and then I find out later that the girl was into me but wasn't sure if I was into her so she didn't say anything. So, basically, we both missed our chance because we didn't know what kind of reaction we'd get. So, in this situation, I'm worried that something similar may happen.

Try doing things outside of schoolwork and hang out and have a good time. If she's willing to do that without business involved, you are already on the right track.

We've arranged a few things to this end. She's invited me to come over to her place and we plan to swap music, educate each other on the music we like. That will be tomorrow after we finish studying though so I don't know if it counts.

Other than that, last time we studied together and had dinner I paid so she said she'll take me out to dinner one night to pay me back. I invited her to my place to have a DVD marathon which she said she'd be into and also we are planning to go to a gig together when a muso we both like is in town in a few months time. So we have a few out-of-school things planned.

Don't make assumptions but do pay attention to her. Let things happen of their natural volition, don't rush anything. The more things you do, the closer you will get.

Assumptions are something I try to not make as a personal rule. However, I'm assuming you mean assumptions in regards to her feelings for me. As I said in my first post we do get along really well and she laughs at my jokes and does seem to enjoy my company. However I understand that one cannot assume that this means she likes me. Conversely, I can't assume she doesn't like me just because she hasn't out-and-out hit on me or said anything. Maybe she's waiting to see where things go?

I don't want to rush things, which is why I mentioned the time period of our knowing each other. Yes, it isn't terribly long, but I defiantly have feelings for her. Still, I understand why it is good to let things happen of their own accord.

I appreciate your self depreciating humor. Clearly you have no problem poking fun at yourself. That's good, but remember that you have something to offer and she wouldn't hang out with if she didn't enjoy it. So have a little confidence and a little swagger.

Self deprecation is always a safe best in making a joke; you don't offend anyone but yourself. And no, I've no problem with laughing at myself. I know I have a few strange quirks, better to take them with good humour than to get all bothered by them (not that they bother me at all).

However, convincing ones self that one has something to offer a girl who has had so many wonderful experiences is a little harder. She has done things I never, ever have so, as I said, how can I impress a girl who has had those experiences. On the other hand, I have introduced her to one or two things she wasn't aware of before that she now really enjoys, so maybe I'm offering her something as equal to the experiences she has had; only they are very different?

Oh, and I can do swagger. Looove swagger!


VincenzoG91;

When you saw that look in her eyes, you should have kissed her.

Ha, I wanted to, believe me! However, without having some idea of how she'd take it I think it might be a risky move. Sure, maybe she would have flung herself into my arms, but she could just as likely slap me in the face.

Don't make the same mistakes I made at that point in my life... don't be detached and analytical, let yourself feel and act on instinct. If you let that moment slip by a few more times, you're going to end up stuck in the friend zone with her, always wondering what could have happened.

I completely take your point here! And honestly it's something I worry about. What if, as I said before, she is being careful as well and I miss my chance? It's like a double edged sword; tell her and it might good or bad. Let thing happen and evolve and it might go good or bad. Which is the better?

I guess perhaps this comes back to what cmacattack1was saying in a way in that I should get to know her a little better and then I'll be able to tell which the best way to go about this is.

Well, I think I've babbled enough here. Thanks for your suggestions guys, I really appreciate it. If anyone else has anything to add I've love to hear from you and I'll keep you posted on any "developments"

Cheers

[JD!]

Well guys, this girl and I are now together. So much celebrating! Thanks for all your advice!

[v*lkyrie]

I would wait a bit longer, what's the rush? You've only known her for 3 weeks and might as well spend a little more time as friends than trying to jump into something too soon and ruining it. A foundation based on friendship is the relationship that will last for a lifetime, that's my belief anyways. I would give it at least a few months, before letting her know.

[JD!]

I would wait a bit longer, what's the rush? You've only known her for 3 weeks and might as well spend a little more time as friends than trying to jump into something too soon and ruining it. A foundation based on friendship is the relationship that will last for a lifetime, that's my belief anyways. I would give it at least a few months, before letting her know.

Sorry, maybe I should have stated a little more clearly in my last post. We are together. Last week I was over at her place to help her with an assignment and we got together then. She let me know how she felt and I did the same. we have, however, decided to take things slow and build our relationship, get to know each other. But we are together and it's great!

[lahnnabell]

I agree with letting things happen organically. It's hard to keep things at a slow pace because most people get so excited and worked up that they're reciting wedding vows and forever promises before they've even kissed.

My current boyfriend and I let things travel along at their own pace. At the very beginning, we met up often, but it was a few weeks before he even tried to kiss me. Up until that point there was amazing chemistry, but neither of us wanted to rush things. For the first month, neither of us uttered the word "relationship" or "love". We were both presented with the opportunity to stray and date others given we had not decided to commit to one another yet, and neither of us indulged. What slowly formed was the mutual understanding that we cared very deeply about each other.

We've never celebrated monthly anniversaries, we've never had a screaming match, we've never belittled one another, we've never played petty emotional games. He was my rock when I was destitute and practically jobless. I'm his rock while he's far away from home, studying in another country.

Those are the memories you want.

[JD!]

Thanks for your words, lahnnabell. As I said previously we both let each other know how we feel, but we have also agreed to take it slow. We hold each other when we are together on the coach watching TV and give little pecks hello and goodbye but that's it. What you described above sounds wonderful, I hope that myself and my the girl I'm with can have something similar.

P.S. Love the Sandman quote, I'm a huge Gaiman fan!

[lna]

guys please help me solve my problem too.. [url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/40131-who-wants-get-caught-your-girlfriends-mum.html[/url]

[JD!]

I can't believe this!Only two days it lasted & I was given the "let's just be friends" card. I must be diseased or something. We discussed what kind of relationship we would be in but it seems one or both of us misunderstood. She said she wasn't ready for a full out relationship but wanted to "see how things go." I asked if that meant we'd be together but just taking things at a slow pace and if so I was fine with that. She said yes. Apparently, "together" just means "friends" to her, not "making an effort to see what possibilities a relationship may have." Also, she says, you can't get to know someone while you date, you need to have done that first. Ummm..we both knew each other well enough for what happened to happen, surely the rest we could learn together as a couple. It's worked before.

The thing that gets me the most though is that SHE kissed ME and told me how she felt. I quizzed her about this and she said that she thought she had feelings for me but she had to make sure and that is why she kissed me. When she kissed me she realized she didn't. Now, maybe it's just me but I've always been pretty damn sure that I like someone BEFORE I kiss them. Maybe it's a Canadian thing (any Canadians out there, fill me in on this) but I've never once before seen where someone has kissed a person so they can decide if they like them or not. We weren't drunk, it wasn't spur of the moment. I just don't get it.

Anyway, whatever she may have felt isn't there, she know says she has no romantic feelings for me so I get the "lets be friends" speech. I swear, if I had five bucks for every time I've heard that I could retire. I'm extreamly frustrated and it hurt like hell (she's obviously not even interested in the possibility of a possibility of a relationship of ANY kind) but I guess I'll get over it. I have had worse. But it still ****ing hurts.

And all the self-confidence I've built up over the years, all the work that went into getting the old, repressed to to the point where I actually feel good about myself? That's shattered now. How am I supposed to approach another girl when I'm not even worth more than two days?

[the_robot]

JD!, maybe it's not your fault but that girl has the same doubts you have about the "2 years thing"? Or maybe she has a boyfriend back in Canada and she didn't tell you...

[JD!]

I don't know, robot. I talked to my best mate about it last night. He's great, always there for me. Anyway, I told him the story (he's not met her) and he couldn't figure it out either. The point we kept getting stuck on is the kiss, kissing someone to find out if you like them is just weird, frankly. Anyway, it's obvious she has no feelings for me so I guess my only option is to move on...