English men's approach to women

[elenyae]

Hey people !

Need you !!

I'm still very confused about that guy. But we've seen each other quite a lot recently, and so I'm wondering if there could be something to it or if I'm fantasizing..

Huh well, I didn't contact him during the whole holiday, and he was the one sending me a message after the break, to ask me very briefly but with a note of humour if I was up for the tennis we had talked about during our dinner. We met in the week to check what courts were free, and we ended up at the library a couple of times , him preparing his lessons, me working on my courses. He asked me for some help from time to time with french words, and although we were in a public and non intimate place, I'd say there was some sort of proximity. I mean he told me that he 's usually harassed at the library by his female students, and so he doesn't go there very often but with me it seems different since he told me when he would come to the library, suggesting implicitly that my presence would not disturb him...
We went to play tennis, and had a great time. He won the match , and well let's say humiliated me with his wonderful strokes, but we really had fun. But once the tennis part was over, and when we were taking the bus, I dont know he seemed quite detached, he didn't let anything appear, there were no big eye contacts, and I can't really get close to him physically. I am very nervous, fighting to find sth interesting to say, but in a bus, it's not the most appropriate place to get to know the other person and have deep conversations. So i am afraid he finds me quite uninteresting..I asked him if he would be free in the week, but he didn't really tell me, and said that he would let me know.. Then we kissed for goodbye, in a very common way, but that seemed to last a little bit longer than it should have, as if he wanted to make the moment last ... but maybe I'm just fancying...
During the week, I came across him (a real coincidence!) in a library which was completely out of the campus, and when I went to talk to him, I was so nervous, that I didn't really know what to say. He seemed quite embarassed too, not very talkative i don't know maybe I was disturbing him...
I waited for his news during the week, and I just got a message now, asking me if I fancied a tennis tomorrow ... I'm quite confused cause I had hoped that he would ask me for a drink rather, and although I love tennis, that's not the best way to get close... So was it a polite way to tell me that he's just interested in me as a tennis buddy, or what?
What should i answer ? Should I insist for a drink or let him ask me?

Please help me to decode this english guy !!!

[sookie6]

Usually when it drags on like this it's never a good sign...

To me you are doing everything right though...you are patient, available, considerate, helpful..

So overall you have given him plenty of opportunities to make a move.

I think you should suggest a pub crawl to him. You meet after dinner. And have a drink in various places...at least he will loosen up and you might be able to see if he fancies you...I mean don't go to bed with him but if there is a kiss, at least you'll both have to clear the air on this relationship the day after...

PS: do not have too much beer or alcohol yourself, alternate with coke...you need to remain in control (but unwinding a bit won't harm!)

[RightSaidNed]

Honestly? I think he likes you one hell of alot, but doesn't really know how to ask you out ...or rather *points at the tennis* that. I think he sounds quite shy on a personal level and is trying to communicate he likes you, but can't bring himself to cross the border...

English reserve as they say - I suffer from said condition... also, you kissed? Is that common in your area? I don't think its common in England, or rahter, I don't see it often over here between friends.

You could take the innivative and say "Hey, want to go and get a coffee after the match?" and try not to be nervious hun, if he didn't think you where interesting, he'd avoid asking you to...tennis.

[RightSaidNed]

No a guy wouldn't spend that much time with a girl if he wasn't interested. He must be intimidated by your sexy Frenchness.

Pretty much - I'd say its VERY likely he's into you my dear, but us English...well, in general, we tend to find it harder to express ourselves directly. And sexy frenchness makes it harder still!

[elenyae]

Thanks guys for your feedback

Your message is encouraging RightsaidNed, I'd really love that the distance and detachment he conveys was due to some shyness or nervosity when I am with him . But what's strange is that he's a cool guy, very comfortable and funny and relaxed as a teacher, everybody likes him, and he seems to be popular, to have many buddies. Plus he's a singer in a band so I dunno I can't imagine him being that shy...
And he wasn't too shy to accept having a pizza and a drink with me a few weeks ago, so why now would he suddenly be scared of asking me out. All the more since I've made it clear, (or he's really not good at interpreting signs...) that I was totally up for hanging out with him! I was the one taking the initiative at the beginning, and I was the one to ask him for the pizza...And last week when we parted ways after the tennis, I asked him if he was free one night, to what he answered "I'll let you know..", and at the library, I did it again, and then again, with eyes looking everywhere but at me, "I'll tell you".. And now, he's just asking me for a tennis ?!! So I have all the reasons to think that he does not want to be in an intimate place with me having drinks.. He's maybe just not interested in "dating" me you see , and he wants to tell me that I'm just good for tennis... That's how I felt it...
And though, I think you're right, drinking would help a little bit to be more relaxed, and our dinner and drink last time was really great, we talked about so many interesting things, and then I was under the impression that we were really getting along well. And after that dinner, he even told me that it was great, that we should do that again...So why is it so hard now? Oh god, I'm tired of trying to follow his logic
For the kiss, it was just you know like kissing someone on the cheeks to say hello. That's kinda common in France when you're on a friendly footing with someone.. And I don't know if he does that with his other friends, but it's true that he seems to like doing that, cause each time we do it, and yet, I myself don't do that a lot with my friends..Complicated ! It always puts me butterflies in the stomach so I guess it's not just me fancying it, it 's not just a quick kiss , it seems to be appreciated by both of us...

So right now, I sent him back a message, telling him that I would be up for the tennis again but maybe I'll try to invite him after ... We'll see !

Maybe I'm just finding excuses (his shyness, his englishness...), maybe he just doesn't care about me ! Let's face reality ! I mean, a guy who likes a girl, theoretically does everything to see the girl!!

Thanks again, my friends !!

[elenyae]

Ok so I'm gonna try something to make things a little bit clearer...

To sum up, here are the elements which COULD mean that he likes me :

-He gave me his phone number
-After the second drink we had (not just the two of us but with other friends) he sent me a message to tell me that it was great and to give me spontaneously (I hadn't asked him, I just had mentionned a couple of days before that I had no internet at home...) his wifi codes for internet.
-In another message after I had asked him if he was still up for a party me and some friends are organized, he told me that he looked forward to it..
-During this party, his friend and some other people left at midnight, and he could have had the opportunity to leave with them, but he decided to stay, and we were just three in the end, me, him and the friend who was throwing the party.
-He accepted to go have a drink and another day to have a pizza with me, even if he was very tired and I had told him that there was no problem if he'd rather stay at home.
-He asked ME for help to write a professional letter in French, while he could have asked other people to help him I guess. I'm not the only French he knows..
-Several times during parties and drinks, he touched my knee, my back, very quickly , and not with a lot of insistence but still. He seemed to "tend" physically towards me..
-He stopped in the middle of his sentence when he was going to say that he would never want a long distance relationship anymore (he was talking about his previous French girlfrend who he broke up with 3 months ago...), and corrected : "No i shouldn't say that , it just has to be the good person.." Was it an implicit attempt at letting me know that I had a chance ?
-After the pizza, he was the one suggesting that we could have a drink, while I thought we were gonna go home just after.
-After the drink, he marched me off to my apartment, or nearly to my apartment, while I had told him that I could go home on my own, cause it was not his way at all.
-He said that it was great, and that we should definitely do that again.
-He seems eager to kiss me on the cheeks each time we're saying goodbye, whereas I do not do that systematically.
-He was the one asking me for the tennis (twice !)

But !
He seems really detached, and "cool" , not acting like a guy who want to please a girl, or be seen as attractive by her :
-He is not always talking when we're on the bus , or when we walk side to side, there are a lot of silences , when both of us are looking through the window, or at our feet.
-He says sth like "I need a shower, I smell !" after having played tennis, I dunno, even if i find it cute, I cant help thinking that he wouldn't say such things if he tried to seduce me.
-He doesn't answer directly my messages, I'm always waiting one day before having an answer ( which is cool because I hate cell phones, and im not always checking my messages but it certainly means that he 's not eager to answer me..)
-When I try to say nice things to him, like "Oh it's great, youre staying next year, I'll have still my tennis partner ", he barely reacts !
-After the match, he could have the opportunity to come and sit next to me, but he's always doing some exercice you know not to be stiff the day after, so I'm here sitting on my bench, looking at him doing his gym...It does not favour conversation and proximity...
-Last week, when I asked him if he would have a free night during the week, he was not very enthusiastic, rather hesitating, thinking ... Well it's true that he was really busy this week, apparently he had sth each night, some dinners with colleagues...but I dunno, he doesn't seem to want to go out with me so much.And yesterday, I avoided the typical question "You're free one night?" , and after we kissed, he just said "Well played!" (talking about the match..) and I said "Have a good week end!" and that's all. He could have asked me out, or said sth..But no!

So now I'm curious to know if he will text during the week, or if he'll be silent again..and wake on Friday night asking for a tennis the day after!

I'm so desperate, I like him so much, I've never been attracted to someone like that, and I find no opportunity to confess my feelings for him.

Tell me what you think of that please !!
I need you !!

[sookie6]

Dear 'compatriote',

Time to make a clear move on this guy.

You are overthinking this. Now is about time to ask him to clarify his feelings.

If he likes you more than a friend, great you can start seeing each other and see if this could work.

If he does not wish to go past friendship, then you'll just have to move on.

As harsh as this might sound you're not helping yourself by daydreaming and building up all sorts of scenarios...

I won't say anymore on this unless I see some clear action going on here

[RightSaidNed]

Dear 'compatriote',

Time to make a clear move on this guy.

You are overthinking this. Now is about time to ask him to clarify his feelings.

If he likes you more than a friend, great you can start seeing each other and see if this could work.

If he does not wish to go past friendship, then you'll just have to move on.

As harsh as this might sound you're not helping yourself by daydreaming and building up all sorts of scenarios...

I won't say anymore on this unless I see some clear action going on here

Follow this guys advice hun! If you don't take the risk, you might never know. As for the silences, there's a quote from Terry Pratchett I like - "True love is 90% awkward silence as the two try and work out what to say to each other"


So basically, don't discount cus of that, heh