Hi everyone

[andyharris]

Hi everyone, first time poster here.
I came here for advice, I can't really talk to my friends about this kind of stuff becuase they see me as the "macho" one in the group and I'm not really comfortable talking to my family about it so I thought i'd come here.
My situation is this, When I was 14 (21 now) I started dating a girl I had known since I was 10. We spent 5 years together and they where the best years of my life. We were best friends and lovers. 2 years into the relationship we both lost our virginities together. You know how everyone says "When you lose your virginity it's always awkward/bad e.t.c" it wasn't like that at all (although performance wise there was much improvement needed) it was the first most beautiful experience in my life.
We rarely argued and when we did we both felt so bad about shouting at each other.
I then went to university; I swore to her that we'd stay together throughout the uni process and during my first year I came home every weekend to see her. She was always happy to see me and we'd both be close to tears when we knew we were going to be apart. We would talk on the phone everyday.
Then in my second year when she went to university things changed. We stopped talking as much (maybe 3 days a week).
The first time we met up (about 2 months into that academic year) I was so excited to see her, I bought her flowers to show that I missed her and loved her. We went out for a meal with her parents and afterwards she broke up with me. Now, i'm not the type of person to break down but I was bawling for about 2 hours trying to convince her to stay with me but she just kept saying "I just don't feel the same anymore", when I left she wouldn't even hug me to say goodbye.
I was a complete mess for a long time after that, I had lost my girlfriend and my best friend in the entire world. We started talking again 2 months after the breakup (we have all the same friends and I am a close friend of her family).
We have remained friends to this day (it's almost been 2 years now) and she keeps telling me i'm her best friend (I feel the same about her).
The problem is I am still in love with her. She know's this, hell; everyone we know know's this. I have told her on several occasions (whilst severely inebriated) that I will always love her. And I thought I was okay with that. We where just friends and I didn't need to be in a sexual relationship with her, all we were where best friends.
I have recently found out that she has had several sexual partners (one night stands, not relationships) since the break up. I obviously knew that she would be having sex with other people since she was single and all but when I found out it felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. The thought of her with another man makes me want to rip my hair out and severly injure the males in question (overly aggresive I know but I can't help what I feel).
I have not had a single sexual partner since her and I haven't even shared an intimate kiss with anyone. Don't get me wrong I have been looking for love again but I have felt like such a non person since the break up I find it hard to put much effort into anything nevermind trying to find the courage to even talk to a girl. I have seen and talked to some of the males in question and they are not good enough for her, she's possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and these men where terrible, looks wise and attitude wise, they are basically (excuse my french) bell ends, arrogant, unintellectual, racist bell ends. And she deserves better than that. She deserves someone who loves her and doesn't just want to get there rocks off.
Now, I just feel repulsive to women, I have had (literally) 0 attention off any girl (and I go out alot)
I really want to move on and find someone new and I think the only solution is to stop seeing her. I don't want to lose her as a best friend. I don't think I could handle losing her again.
How do I stop these feelings towards her and properly move on whilst keeping her as a friend?

[lahnnabell]

You never gave yourself enough time to actually get over her. In order to do that, you have to remove her from your life. Yes, it's hard and painful, but you'll be better for it in the long run. It's pretty shitty that she's still indulging you as her "friend" when she knows how you feel. But she's young and probably incredibly naive.

[sookie6]

First love. It leaves its mark for a long time.

However shitty this time of your life may feel, consider yourself lucky that you experienced such love at such young age and also the experience of breaking up a meaningful relationship.

This shows you different things:

-relationships are fragile
-however deep the love may feel and be professed to you...you can be replaced overnight
-some people are attached for a loooong time while others are able to move on very quickly


I am not saying this to discourage you but for you to see that one has to be careful when giving away all his power to someone else. Do not forget that you are your number one (the first person you should care about really) because if you give yourself completely to a woman the damage done could be impossible to repair.

Keep away from this girl, don't contact her. You are so lucky to be young and therefore full of prospects. You will do plenty of different things from now on. You will meet lots and lots of people. So much ahead so why ruin it for someone who does not care anymore.

[cmacattack1]

If only she knew the hoops you are jumping through to be her "best friend". I think she made it pretty clear that she didn't feel that way for you when she broke up with you and to be honest, she was losing her feelings long before that. You can't help how you feel and while it may be 100 percent held up on your end, it takes two for a relationship to work. I know you rather have her as a friend than absolutely nothing at all, and it's pretty obvious you hold her in very high esteem (on a pedestal if you will) but as the other two have said, you have to put yourself first. Being her friend is not allowing you to be happy with anybody else. You don't even have the feeling or the gusto to put anything in with anybody else. You are also feeding her ego by confessing to her all the time that you still love her while she chases other guys and does her own thing. If getting her back is what you wanted, you aren't getting any closer.

Like they said, you have to remove her from your life so you can let the healing begin on your end. 2 months is not nearly enough time to get over a first love, a best friend, an everything. I'm on six months on my own and I'm still woozy at times. It's very frightening and extremely difficult to let her go but you have to for your own good. The healing can begin and you can find your "macho" side, and your confidence again. Or at least get some practice in with dating because dating somebody since you were 14 really put you behind the 8 ball in terms of experience.

It has to be difficult to not get ANY interest from anybody but as you mentioned, you couldn't even give enough effort anyway. Start today and let her go, and if she wants to contact you, tell her that it would be better if she didn't. If she knows how you feel, she should understand. It might even make her miss you believe it or not but it won't bring back any feelings again. This is where you start, and you make the progress by doing what you can to cheer yourself up (fun things you like to do, get yourself in better shape (sports club/team, gym, running, etc.) and build yourself up. What she does with her one night stands is not your concern anymore because regardless of how you feel or what you think, she is going to do what she wants. And that is what she wants to do. Don't put yourself through any more torture.

Everything will be alright and you will be able to meet plenty of new people and make many of new friends without her in your life. Friends are supposed to enrich your life and make you better off with their influence, and I don't think she is doing that for you, is she?

[andyharris]

thanks, everyone. I was kinda thinking the same thing. But as I made clear I just don't want to lose her.
I'm gonna tell her that we need to be apart untill I get myself back together before we can be friends again. I really do hope that I can get over her properly so we can (eventually) stay friends, as I really do cherish her.
I'm gonna try my hand at giving a girl my full deserved attention when I get back to uni, hell I'm just gonna try and talk to girls from now on.
I'm not the kind of guy who does one night stands though and that generally seems to be how most of my friends found partners. (Have random sex with many people untill they find the right one).
I know it's pathetic asking for more advice but do you think it's possible to just wait untill you find someone you think you are in love with untill you have sex with them for the first time? It seems where I live people just go around sleeping with everyone all the time. I don't want to be like that.