Why?What?How?

[Crammond]

Ok, I'll make this one short (since almost all of my previous posts here were gigantic).

It seems I only report here every 2 years or so. For the ones that don't have the time to read that shit (even I don't lol). I'm 27, was already engaged. Have already planned a family. So take this as serious writting please and not some teenage bla bla. Thanks.

To sumerize everything from my past 5-6 years.

Dated a girl from my class about 6 years ago. The relationship lasted for about 2 years and 2,3 months.
We were engaged for the last 6 months. She cheated on me. We broke up, got back together for 2 months or so and again broke up.

It broke my hearth, even got to a suicidal point at one time (not a problem since, got my head straight). Took me about 2 years to straighten everything out to seriously date again (had a couple of 1-2 months relationships in between).

Got suspicious of new girlfriend in the first 2 months (posted about this on this forum) about her cheating on me. Probably I'm not that great with trusting since my ex lied and cheated. Not that I don't trust in advance, but that I'm extra paying attention to all small bullshit that most don't sense.

Kinda sucked it up, sucked up some small shit too. Most of the past 2,5 years were amazing (minor stuff didn't go that well). We never had an argument. We really do complete each other, but a small lie about a year into relationship ****ed it up a little for me. (she lied about not giving her phone number to random men).

Since than I didn't really put all the effort I could in the relationship. That doesn't mean that it still wasn't great, but it could be even better. Most probably I already knew that it wouldn't last...

1 month ago it came to the point I could make a bigger step in my life. To buy my own appartment. Or our (tough I'd pay for it entirely) appartment.

It got to the point when I was in a bad mood for a week. She noticed, we had "quiet days". A day before valentines I had to ask her the question. I had to since I didn't want to be all "...oh I love you so much my smoochie ... blah blah valentine's day crap (if you ask me...every day should be valentines day..you shuold get your girl a flower any day....you should tell her you love her every day...not only on valentines).

I had to know.

I asked her a bullshit question first (something that bothered me in the past). The information I have is different to her answer to that question, but that doesn't really matter to me.

Than I took 2 minutes to try to explain her that the next question is really important. That it depends on her answer if she is stying or packing her bags tonight. That she should take time to think before she answers.

I asked her if she ever cheated on me. In less than 10 seconds she looked me in the eye and lied. She said she didn't. (this brings me back 2 years when I last posted on this forum...I was right than...she did cheat on me.. ).

I immediatly told her what I know which made her realize that I know. She changed her answer to "Yes". Said that she only said not because she was affraid to lose me if she said "Yes".

I admit that it's a hard hard question. ****, I'd probably say "no" to it. Most of us probably would.

I took 2 days to rethink things and gave us another chance. It lasted for a month and the pain was to strong for me.

We're appart for 2 weeks.

I do know that it's the best way for me to heal to be appart. It's the fastest way for it to stop hurting.

At the same time I realize that if she wouldn't cheat on me, we would be married now for sure (like I mentioned earlier, I stoped really trying after a year, so marriage was out of the question)...
I realize that we are (excpet for the cheating/lying part of her) a perfect match on all areas. And this is not some "i'm 12years old" bulslhit when you were happy cuz the girl liked the same gum as you did and you tought she was the one. I mean ALL areas. Everything is/was the best shit.

Except for the cheating & lying things.

About 4 hours ago we talked for the last time. She came to my appartment to clear up some things. She was thinking that there is still a chance for us, I had to told her that's it's really over one more time.

But everytime I tell her that, it seems more and more of a horrible mistake that I made. A part of me knows, that the pain will only stop if we are sepparated. The other part of me is in serious pain because we are separated. We both realize that we really are a great macth for eachother. A perfect match.

It's killing me. It's also killing me that I'm aware of the problem that this brings. It took me 2+ years to get over the pain that the ex did to me. To want to seriously date again. I don't know if I'm capable of ever trusting any girl from now on. The pain is to great.

Doesn't matter to me if life is like a box of chocolate...I alway get the shitty candy in it...

Thanks for reading.

[Crammond]

I'm sorry for the long writing. Again

[oneandonly]

Sorry to hear all this.

I dont' know what a 'perfect' match means to you. To me, trust is essential to be a 'perfect' match. A relationship/ a marriage requires some degree of compromise on both parties. But cheating is not one of them.

Some people seem more prone to cheating than others. You haven't met the right person who would never be tempted when in a relationship like myself. lol.

I'd forget about her and move on.... You will be just fine and will eventually find someone who treats you better! Good luck!

[cmacattack1]

The other girl that cheated on you before was probably your perfect match as well, wouldn't you say? You are right though when you say that the pain is too great together and being apart is the best for that. When you are apart though, you can't expect the other to wait around for you, hence her coming over and you having to confirm it was over for good.

Even in the shittiest of shittiest relationships, when you dump somebody, we all go through this period of time where we second guess ourselves and we think about all the good times and that if it's really worth it. You don't have to second guess yourself, you know how you feel. Be on your own until you are feeling alot better about yourself and maybe date around some more too. You never know who you will find.

You don't find much, and you haven't stop thinking about her after a long period of time, than maybe you could entertain the idea of dating her. Keep in mind I didn't say get back together, but dating her again to see if you click and to see if you are compatible. If you guys clicked then, it's very possible you could click again too. It takes some time apart to clear your thoughts and let the hurt go away and if she knew how you felt she would understand. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but if we focus on the present, you did the right thing. Trying to get back together because you are lonely and scared and not confident is not the right thing to do.

[Gigabitch]

Doesn't matter to me if life is like a box of chocolate...I alway get the shitty candy in it...

Then start buying Godiva. You see what I'm saying? I think you should be far more particular about who you fall for next time. There are plenty of cheating liars out there, but they aren't ALL like that. Make it a priority. Raise your standards. Try to figure out what it is about you that makes you keep choosing bad women and address that problem.

[sookie6]

Hi,

I read your post with great interest. So it's been two major relationships with cheaters...you remind me of my best friend. A lovely young woman who was cheated on BIG TIME during her first major relationship, she was never able to trust a man again...I mean yes she did trust someone again after much work on their part but the second guy cheated on her too....

It's really tempting to think about patterns. But to be honest I think you were just unlucky. You said you were 27 so I suspect both girls are younger.

What you need to aunderstand first is that twenties is the decade where a lot of people experiment and find out about themselves. So these girls had an opportunity to check out some other guy and they did. Maybe because they are extremely pretty and therefore get a lot of opportunities, maybe because they want to see if they are not compatible with others and also because twenties is that decade when you find yourself at parties, drunk and living for the moment.

Now I am not trying to find these girls excuses. I am no cheater myself and I look at cheaters with a strong feeling of hatred (yes hatred..I despise any sort of lying and deceit).

Reason I said all the above is to explain to you that you should not blame yourself or your bad luck. You just happened to cross path with 2 individuals who don't share your integrity.

There is no recipe to avoid liars and cheaters. And to give you solid advice we would need to know more about these women. What were they like? How did you meet? Are they givers or takers? Did you spoil them in any way? Why did they say they did what they did?

I finally want to say to you that at 27 despite these 2 painful experiences there is too much ahead for you to give up on love. Take the experience of your past break-up and use it to face the tough transition towards being single again.

You might choose to forgive this woman. But I've been in your shoes and really, even with the best will how do we take back someone when we know that they've been with someone else. All is ruined.

Maybe some people have the strength to forgive and take a fresh start.

[Crammond]

Thanks everyone, this is helpful.

Half of the time I think I made a mistake of my life. The other half I just don't think about it and occupy my mind with different stuff (got a lot of other stuff going on and it helps).

No point in discussing what they were like, etc. They are the past. They only had their appearance "in common" since they were both short haired blondes. But like I said, no point into looking at the past.

I could say that I'm better, but I'd probably be lying. But I just don't know what to write anymore. When I think of all of this, to many toughts go trough my mind. One second I'd call her and take her back, the other second I'd decide to never get involved into a serious relationship ever again. The third second I worry if I'll ever find somebody that will complete me (except the cheating/lying parts) like my ex did.

To many confusing toughts and all I ever wanted was peace..........