Talking to new guy! What now

[sunflwr23]

Ok so months back when I was whining over my ex still. I met this guy. I liked him but we were out drinking and I reached a point where I was exhausted and wanted to go home. He was super nice and paid for a cab and took me home and then left. He has since told me he was trying to hit on me that night and really wanted to kiss me goodnight that night but his friend was there. So the next time I saw him nothing special happened my friend was flirting with him and he was kinda flirting back (apparently it's just their friendship but I am pretty sure he used to like her) She does not like him she just likes attention. The next time I saw him he was dancing at a party with his ex girlfriend, who is someone I know too. So the weekend before last he met up with us dancing and we danced the entire night, and I went back to his place. We didn't have sex but we fooled around a bit-let's just say I did nothing for him. Then I saw him Monday at an intramural game and we hardly talked. Then Thursday I texted to see what he was up to and he said I should come over. I told him me and my two friends were going to (one being the one he used to like). His friend said he looked nice that night b/c "he knew you were coming over" when my friend asked but I think it might have been meant for me. I stayed that night. Even though his roommate was hitting on me hard I wasn't interested and he had said he was worried I was going to fall for it and hoping I wasn't. The next night he came over to our friends by himself to hang out and we went back to my place for the night. We both expressed that we were glad we weren't drunk. We have had sex at this point- not exactly proud of that but it was hard to resist and I've never done anything like that. He told me to keep him posted about my plans Sat. night. I kept him posted and we went back and forth between seeing each other and not. He wouldn't come dancing and I couldn't get over there. Finally he recommended we not see each other that night and hang out Sunday instead. But he had something going on and I never heard from him. I finally texted "lets hang out again soon" he started texting asking what I was up to and how my day was...etc. Then last night at intramurals we talked but nothing special really. I have realized I like him a lot but I don't want to be jsut a hook up. Am I? Have I done anything wrong? What should I do from here? We talk a lot when we are laying in bed in the morning and before bed. He hasn't asked me out yet and he hasn't kissed me goodbye in the morning yet. But he does kiss my forehead at night and in the morning etc and rub my back and such. Please I am not good at dating and what should my next move be!!

[lahnnabell]

Sounds like he's doing just enough work to keep you hooked. Stop putting out. If he likes you for who you are, he'll respond no matter what and you'll do things other than spend the night together. He seems to be interested in the fact that you are easily coerced into sleeping with him.

[Oberon]

Probably another guy who just wants to get laid. I hope I'm liying.

[sookie6]

I get the same impression as Lahnabell. When you don't have much experience in dating and men you sometimes find yourself in situations like this..you don't really know if you're in a relaionship or not, you don't have a clue about the other person's feelings, you are getting attached but feel very anxious that he might not be....

Listen and trust me on this?...when you're unsure and worried it usually means something is amiss. This guy is not treating you right.

Cut your loss here and treat this as a nice rebound from your ex months ago. Any experience in the realm of dating is a valuable one. So don't beat yourself out over this!!!

[sunflwr23]

He is still contacting me and hanging out. I see him a couple times a week in groups when we don't hook up and we text every now and then. I'm trying to slow things down physically but it's really hard because I want to be physical. I'm never this easy but it was me liking him and just the sequence of events and alcohol being involved that led to where we are. I just need suggestions on how to fix things with him. I think he might be interested. He texted me at like 5pm on Saturday to hang out and we actually hung out for awhile watching a movie just cuddling. But I have no idea- go between being awkward and him acting like he likes me. Please give me some advice. I've really started to like him. Should I just keep slowing things down physically? Will that work? I've only ever really hooked up with one other person who I was in a serious relationship with and I made him take things slow from day one. But since it'd been awhile and I miss that intimacy I think I was quick to get involved physically with this new guy! I really hope I didn't mess things up.

[lahnnabell]

Personally, when I get physical really quickly with a guy, I don't plan on taking things that seriously. If I really want a relationship with someone, I am perfectly content to take my time. My current boyfriend didn't make a move to kiss me until after a few weeks of seeing one another. I was hardly ready for it then, but it was a wonderful surprise when it finally happened. It made the moment so much more special.

You're taking away some of the mystery by jumping into this very quickly. And honestly, didn't you just get out of a long-term relationship? I would chalk this up to nothing more than a rebound. I went through that last year. I developed feelings for a friend of mine after my ex and I split. I felt really strongly about this guy and for a while I thought I was really into him. After some time (and some bad sex) I realized that I was just horny and wanted attention. Nothing wrong with that, but call it what it is.

[sunflwr23]

No my ex and I broke up well over a year ago. So this is not a rebound. And I guess I didn't really make it clear that I have been talking to this guy and hanging out with him since January. But one things did actually get physical they progressed quickly. The first night when he was hitting on me. We were flirting and he took me home but didn't stay with me and nothing happened. We hung out again and nothing happened and so on and so on. Then we fooled around a bit one night and then the next weekend we fooled around more, then the next night we had sex. I've liked him all along. I just don't think I realized how much until we started spending this much time together. I mean up until 3 weeks ago when we first fooled around a bit we'd always been around other people most of the time and we always spent a good portion of that time talking to each other but it's different when it's just the two of you and you are talking. And he's so cute when he dresses nice when I come over and such.

[xxazurexx]

You don't want to be a 'hook up', but that is exactly what you have turned yourself into and become.

Not his fault, it's YOUR'S...

YOU set the standards, for him to be able to treat you as a 'hook up'..

If you want any man to take you seriously, set STANDARDS.....then he knows what you expect of him, what is acceptable to you and what is not and you DON'T sleep with him until there is some committment on his part. Setting standards, weeds out the losers and users and players and men who are not looking for anything serious.

Sleeping with a guy before any committment, is labelling yourself as being 'cheap' and 'easy'........therefore that is how he will treat you and because he thinks it's ok by you, to be treated 'cheap and easy'.....as.that is the standard you set of yourself.

Why should he committ to you, when he gets the benefits of sex from you without committment.....and you were perfectly ok with sex without committment and allowed it to happen.

In fact, that is why his room mate is likely trying to hit on you. Men talk and he wants some of you too.....because he has heard it's 'easy' to get.

If you are willing to have sex before any sign of committment on a guys part.......dont assume that giving him sex will make him want to committ and don't moan when he doesn't committ......you gave the sex freely!

Sorry if this is harsh btw, I don't mean it to be.

[sunflwr23]

But his roommate hitting on me was way before we were very physical. I just don't understand why there is such a double standard. I've never done this before and that's very clear. But I have also had guys get really upset with me for setting too strict of standards and my ex loved his ex who had sex with him like a week or two after meeting. If it was just a hookup wouldn't he not contact me if he knew nothing was going to happen or why would he call again?

[cmacattack1]

Just for the record, any relationship after a long term relationship, no matter how long ago you broke up with your ex is a rebound relationship. I mean you were still looking back and still going over the old relationship as soon as a couple weeks ago? Just to keep the record straight. And whether it turns into something more is yet to be determined.

Only time will tell, but just because he is responding and sending you this and that doesn't mean he sees it as anything more than a hookup, and he might like to keep hooking up but never get anything more serious than that. I mean if you really like somebody, most of the time you will do anything you can to see them. He already shot you down one night when he wanted to hang out with you. I don't know if he's trying to play it cool or not, but it certainly doesn't help your cause. I can tell you are already getting wrapped up and like they all advised you, definately slow it down on the physical front. Do you want something more serious? Or are you just craving sex? Something to certainly think about.

Congratulations on breaking out of thinking about your ex! You were really stuck on him for a while.

[sunflwr23]

So the other day I don't know what I was doing but I was being kinda clingy I guess when we were hanging out. The next day I apologized and he said I assumed more was going on between us than really is. He said he didn't know what I was looking to get out of this but he should have made his intentions better known. I was clear for me it started as just hooking up but I started being open to more. I didn't say this but I didn't really want a relationship. I was more open to it giving him a shot if he were to ask me out which some of his actions made me think he liked me so if he asked me out on a date I was going to say yes but I wasn't actively trying to pursue a relationship. After the first time we hung out I felt bad cause he is such a nice guy I wanted to like him and I didn't and then that ended up changing. I really wanted to figure out if he liked me or not to know what to do. Now he thinks I want more so when we hang out he avoids me pretty much. The night after our talk I actually stayed over in his bed with him but he was upfront nothing was going to happen and I was upfront that I didn't want to and I agreed. We didn't cuddle just slept. He put his arm on my hip a few times and I just kinda pulled away and just got up and left in the morning. Then no talking till he showed up dancing. Where he ignored me all night. He danced with everyone except me. He also danced a lot with my friend who slept with the other guy I liked. (This whole situation started because I liked this other guy and my friend decided to dance with him all night and go home with him. Then the guy this post is about showed up and was into me so I went home with and nothing really happened. Then we started hanging out and fooling around that week and regularly the next few weeks.) He was all about dancing with her and she was just dancing. There was one point when the guy was talking to another friend for a long time and I wonder if he was talking about me. She said he wasn't but she wouldn't tell me what they were talking about and I don't know if I believe her. So he came back with us and ended up staying at my friends house. He said he was going to stay on the couch but who knows if they hooked up. I did the worst thing ever though!!! I sent him a text I regret. It said "So what I want from you is someone to hook up with now and then and a guy to get attention from. I am not looking for a relationship. Now I feel weird around you and I was really satisfied with how things were. I feel I didn't make that clear I guess before." I wasn't even drinking just tired! Unfortunately sleep deprivation can lower inhibitions too. Today I sent him "I take back that text. It was brief thought I shouldn't have sent but I am really am not trying for anything though." What do I do? How can I mend this situation?? Please help ASAP!!!!

[lahnnabell]

So the other day I don't know what I was doing but I was being kinda clingy I guess when we were hanging out. The next day I apologized and he said I assumed more was going on between us than really is. He said he didn't know what I was looking to get out of this but he should have made his intentions better known. I was clear for me it started as just hooking up but I started being open to more.

He did well to admit that he didn't lay things out properly. Sounds like he's giving you the answer you came on here searching for.

[I didn't say this but I didn't really want a relationship.] - This completely contradicts your previous statement about you being open to more. And I'm quoting your original post. "I have realized I like him a lot but I don't want to be jsut a hook up. Am I? Have I done anything wrong? What should I do from here? We talk a lot when we are laying in bed in the morning and before bed. He hasn't asked me out yet and he hasn't kissed me goodbye in the morning yet. But he does kiss my forehead at night and in the morning etc and rub my back and such. Please I am not good at dating and what should my next move be!!"

I was more open to it giving him a shot if he were to ask me out which some of his actions made me think he liked me so if he asked me out on a date I was going to say yes but I wasn't actively trying to pursue a relationship. After the first time we hung out I felt bad cause he is such a nice guy I wanted to like him and I didn't and then that ended up changing. I really wanted to figure out if he liked me or not to know what to do. Now he thinks I want more so when we hang out he avoids me pretty much.

How in the world does if he avoid you if you're hanging out together? We all certainly thought you wanted more based on your original posts. Are you sure you're not just trying to backtrack in attempt to stay in line with what he wants? Have some self-respect.

The night after our talk I actually stayed over in his bed with him but he was upfront nothing was going to happen and I was upfront that I didn't want to and I agreed. We didn't cuddle just slept. He put his arm on my hip a few times and I just kinda pulled away and just got up and left in the morning. Then no talking till he showed up dancing. Where he ignored me all night. He danced with everyone except me. He also danced a lot with my friend who slept with the other guy I liked. (This whole situation started because I liked this other guy and my friend decided to dance with him all night and go home with him. Then the guy this post is about showed up and was into me so I went home with and nothing really happened. Then we started hanging out and fooling around that week and regularly the next few weeks.) He was all about dancing with her and she was just dancing. There was one point when the guy was talking to another friend for a long time and I wonder if he was talking about me. She said he wasn't but she wouldn't tell me what they were talking about and I don't know if I believe her. So he came back with us and ended up staying at my friends house. He said he was going to stay on the couch but who knows if they hooked up. I did the worst thing ever though!!! I sent him a text I regret. It said "So what I want from you is someone to hook up with now and then and a guy to get attention from. I am not looking for a relationship. Now I feel weird around you and I was really satisfied with how things were. I feel I didn't make that clear I guess before." I wasn't even drinking just tired! Unfortunately sleep deprivation can lower inhibitions too. Today I sent him "I take back that text. It was brief thought I shouldn't have sent but I am really am not trying for anything though." What do I do? How can I mend this situation?? Please help ASAP!!!!

Why do you care? If you didn't want more with this guy, then just leave him alone and find someone new to hook up with. Those texts were a bad idea, sorry to say. If he was already ignoring you, I think you can honestly say you won't be hearing from him again. He probably knows that you have no idea what you need or want right now and what used to be easy and fun for him has now become very complicated. Cut your losses and keep your options open.

[sunflwr23]

Well I have to see him all the time! So I really have no choice but to hear from again but not in that manner. I wasn't convinced I wanted a relationship with him but I wanted to explore it. I don't really care. I'm just embarrassed by the whole situation. Hopefully if I just act normal around him and ignore him otherwise this will blow over and we will go back to just being friends. I don't really know him that well and we hadn't been on a date yet so I can't say for sure that I wanted a relationship. Does that make sense? I wasn't at the point- I want to be your girlfriend and I could see this lasting a while! But at the place iif we keep hanging out/fooling around I would like to try going on an actual date and would be open to that opportunity. Does that make more sense? And he is so very much not my type. I felt like I did have to make a lot of justifications with him. And at first I actually told people I wasn't interested at all but I think I liked the attention and thought he was a good guy so I was interested to see where it went but now it's awkward. I see him all the time with groups of friends and it was really only last night i felt he avoided me but I want to just leave it all behind me and forget about everything! He led me on and was mature in how he handled things but I am not so much and I guess you live and you learn right?

[lahnnabell]

Just take it as a learning experience and move on. The next time you see him, say "Hi" and keep doing your own thing. Giving him too much attention could look like YOU are desperate for his attention. If you want to give him the impression that you don't care, then keep it casual and pretend like you've got other things on your mind. Chat up some new guys.

[sookie6]

This time it didn't work but one thing is for sure..

YOU WILL MEET OTHER GUYS YOU LIKE...life never fails to bring someone new on our path...

It's not gonna work everytime but at least you are progressin in your learning of men and relationships...