LDR: Effort in a long distance relationship.

[mimioreo]

Hi, I'm a sophomore in high school and I'm in a LDR with my boyfriend, freshmen in college. Before you say anything, I know what you're thinking. Too young, college LDRs don't count as "real", all that stuff that people may say off the bat, but I still want to say no matter how old you are, "love" is "love", whatever that means.

Anyway we've been dating since last summer, and the issue of balance in the relationship has always been a problem. At first it was just a little, but it gradually became more of a problem, as shown by the big fight we had on aim last night (midnight, no phone). He tells me that he does more for me than I do for him, which I agree. He values me over school, but he hates school anyway. he feels the need to check up on me every day even if it means he's 4 chapters behind and failing his quizzes. He also tries not to go out PARTLY because of me, because he doesn't want to hit on the girls out there, but also because it's a waste of time. Point is, he does a lot for me and he puts in a lot of effort because he believes I'm worth it.

When he asked me what he does for me and I answered "let me talk, listen to me, cheer me up," and then "i dont know", he got really mad and we got into an argument. He was basically "yelling" (online) at me, and I sat back and took it all in. Basically he feels like he's doing all the work and wants to see more effort from me, showing him that I care, which I do. I have a problem with expresing my feelings, so even if I'm thinking about him all day, he won't really know.

I guess my question is, how can I show him I care? He said he's going to back off to match the amount of effort I'm putting in, and he wants me to put in more. Honestly I'm not quite sure what I can do. Even if I do know, he probably won't be able to tell. Other than leaving offline messages or calling him more, what ca I do to show him I care? I'm really stuck right now, and I know this is something I should know on my own, but I'm hoping I can get other people's opinions on this as well. Thanks...

Also, the result of the fight was that he would stop showing up on aim to talk to me as much, so that if I missed him enough, I'd leave him messages or just call him more often. After the fight, I'm just afraid of talking to him, partly because he mentioned that he was starting to think that getting into this LDR was a bad idea. Does anybody else feel this way, after a fight you're kidn of afraid to go back? I'm afraid that he'll still be mad at me, or he doesn't want to do this aymore. I should just suck it up huh. Today's also our 8th month, and I'm not sure if I call him and tell him happy 8th or not. We still acknowledge the months.

[Envy]

I wouldn't say 'happy 8 months!' but a sweet little text asking him if he knows it's 8 months since you met today would be cool.

Write letters, surprise calls etc. Just mix it up alittle and show him that your thinking. You don't have to write 1500 word essays explaining how you feel. Less than 4 usually does the trick if you feel that way.

When do you plan to meet again?

[xxazurexx]

Just send him texts like 'Thinking about you' and stuff.

I'm the same as you in that I'm not a big initiator either. Just the way I am, doesn't mean I don't care.

[vashti]

I'm hearing all kinds of warning bells going off here....

The things I don't like:

I don't like that he holds you indirectly responsible for his poor academic performance.
i don't like that he demands you name a list of intangible things he does for you.
I don't like that he "checks up on you", to the point where he avoids hanging out with friends.
Most of all, I don't like that you aren't questioning his behavior.

He sounds very controlling.

[ftm]

I'm hearing all kinds of warning bells going off here....

The things I don't like:

I don't like that he holds you indirectly responsible for his poor academic performance.
i don't like that he demands you name a list of intangible things he does for you.
I don't like that he "checks up on you", to the point where he avoids hanging out with friends.
Most of all, I don't like that you aren't questioning his behavior.

He sounds very controlling.

It does sound a bit controlling, but I can imagine how he feels, having done the long distance relationship thing myself at a young age. Twice, in fact. It can be very hard to feel secure in what the other is doing when you are not around. This is a young relationship -- 8 months -- and I imagine that he is surrounded by guys who have girls back home but are still pursuing women at their college. Perhaps he feels that he is making a tremendous effort to put her first, make her (and himself) feel secure, and is looking for some gestures from her, although perhaps he doesn't even know what gestures those are. They are intangible.

I agree that not hanging out with friends is taking it a bit too far. If he doesn't want to, that's his choice, but he hasn't the right to demand the same behavior of her. I do think she has the right to hear from him exactly what he expects of her, since he seems to have very high standards.

I hope to never do the long distance thing again. It's an agony.

[mimioreo]

I'm hearing all kinds of warning bells going off here....

The things I don't like:

I don't like that he holds you indirectly responsible for his poor academic performance.
i don't like that he demands you name a list of intangible things he does for you.
I don't like that he "checks up on you", to the point where he avoids hanging out with friends.
Most of all, I don't like that you aren't questioning his behavior.

He sounds very controlling.

No no, I guess I should have made this more clear, mistake on my part, sorry about that.
Check up on me as in see how i'm doing. I'm having leg issues that's stopping me from runnig which is really bringing me down, not like check up on me to see if i'm doing weird things. It's more like see how I'm doing. He also isn't aavoiding hanging out with friends, although I am part of the reason. He says things like how he realized the people there just don't matter, and he hasnt found any close friends yet. He chills with his roommates, but I guess some people would classify him as a loner.
I agree witht he first one though, maybe he's not doing it on purpose, but it is implied, at least partly.
2nd one as well, though I do understand how he feels, especially in the heat of an argument.

Maybe it's in my nature as his girlfriend to defend him. I completely realize this, and I know who ever reading is probably thinking that I'm defending him too much, haha.

I agree that not hanging out with friends is taking it a bit too far. If he doesn't want to, that's his choice, but he hasn't the right to demand the same behavior of her. I

He's not demanding the same behavior from me. He just wnats me to "show" that I care. Problem is I'm the type of person that does not take the initiative, but it doesn't mean I dont care, as mentioned above. He just wants to SEE it.

We talked over the argument yesterday, and basically i'm setting goals to be able to express myself more, in ways that he can see it. It sounds a little unfair to me, what do you guys think?
Thanks for the replies so far.

[mimioreo]

I wouldn't say 'happy 8 months!' but a sweet little text asking him if he knows it's 8 months since you met today would be cool.

Write letters, surprise calls etc. Just mix it up alittle and show him that your thinking. You don't have to write 1500 word essays explaining how you feel. Less than 4 usually does the trick if you feel that way.

When do you plan to meet again?

I planned to call him, but he signed on aim first, leaving me with no chance to "prove" myself.
I'm guessing June, there doesnt seem to be any more breaks till then.

[Envy]

Goals to express yourself aren't cool IMO. Just go with the flow, it should be natural I guess.

June, not long!

Make plans, tell him you can't wait, whatever. If he's the person you want to be with then show him and make the time you get together the best it can be.

[mimioreo]

thanks (:
I agree with the goal thing, it should be natural, but he wants something concrete i guess.

[lahnnabell]

I agree with vash that you should be questioning some of his behavior. College is a fun time, but it's also meant to be a lot of work. He's forsaking his own responsibilities and then writing it off because he's doing relationship maintenance. He should spend less time worrying about what you're doing, and more time getting his shit done.

He's probably insecure about your feelings for him. However, in order for you to "prove yourself" he's gotta back off. Maybe you should take some initiative and spend less time on AIM. It'll give you a reason to call him instead of just chatting online (which sucks and is tiresome). Online arguments absolutely suck. You can't hear tone of voice, see someone's facial expression. It makes the whole experience of arguing that much more strained given the lack of conversational cues.

If he expects you to step outside of your comfort zone in order to make this relationship work, then he's gotta give you some concrete examples of what he'd like to see. Relationships are teamwork. Simply telling you to fix yourself will not work in the long run.

Also, you need to value what you DO do for him. You accept who he is, through and through. He just got all pissy with you online and you took it in stride. That is maturity right there. You took the time to be reflective and think about how your actions (or lack thereof) were affecting him. Maturity and thoughtfulness. He apparently hasn't taken the time to notice these qualities in you, but is instead berating you because he isn't getting exactly what he wants (which I bet he's not even sure of).

[cmacattack1]

I'm also impressed with your self awareness and how you want to look for a solution instead of stubbornly drag out and continue a fight. Giving him what he wants, will it be enough?

He seems to be out of balance, as everybody mentioned about how he thinks he is doing the right thing by maintaining this relationship above all other things. He's away from you at school for a reason, but he doesn't live up to his potential and says he hates it there. If he does, why is he in it then? It'd be a damn shame if he left it, but if his heart isn't into it, he's going to just be mediocre.

I don't want to say he is too invested, but if he spent more time focusing on the other things in his life, I think it would relieve some of the pressure he is putting on your shoulders.

He doesn't want to go out partly because he is afraid he is going to hit on girls? He can't say no or he can't control himself?

[mimioreo]

If he expects you to step outside of your comfort zone in order to make this relationship work, then he's gotta give you some concrete examples of what he'd like to see. Relationships are teamwork. Simply telling you to fix yourself will not work in the long run.

I definantly agree with you, and I did ask for concrete examples. He gave me some, but that only makes him appreciate it less when I take action because it was something HE told me to do, and makes me want to not do it as much because I didn't think of it myself and he'll see it coming. One of the examples he gave me was -show me you care while we're not talking or IMing, make something outside of our contact- which I've been doing. I've been making a birthday present for him that I KNOW he'll love. Except one thing, won't know I'm doing this because it's a surprise, and his birthday's not till end of may, and he won't be back till June. And sometimes, I feel like I don't have the confidence to satisfy him until the next time we meet.

He doesn't want to go out partly because he is afraid he is going to hit on girls? He can't say no or he can't control himself?

He can't control himself, but don't take this the wrong way, it's not as bad as you think. He's the type to say what's on his mind, and he likes cute girls. So if he see's a cute girl he comes in contact with, he'll simply tell her you're cute, assuming she's not with some guy. (he did this to me, and I was only meeting him once as the friend of the person he was talking to on our way to class, no relation what so ever) But I think he means he'll eventually meet a girl that he wants to spend more time with than me, meaning the end of the relationship. He "hits" on girls without knowing it anyway, which I'm not so worried about.

Thanks to the above to posters, it really made me think better of myself (due to this and some other problem's, I'm in a depressed state. haha)

[lahnnabell]

Ugh. He hits on girls without knowing it? If he doesn't know it, then he doesn't know enough to stay home in order to NOT hit on girls. People flirt naturally. There is nothing wrong with it unless you plan on dishonoring your relationship because of it. My guy and I are both naturally flirty people, but that is as far as it goes. We trust each other and ourselves not to do anything to jeopardize the relationship. Something is wrong if you keep absolving him of some sort of blame, yet he is more than ready to tell you what's wrong with you.

And about his worry that providing you with examples will defeat the purpose of the surprise, he needs to get over it. Long-term relationships eventually involve less and less surprise as you get to know someone. If a couple can't openly talk about something it will eventually eat away at the foundation of the relationship. Like I said, he's gotta back off and give you time. And I think he needs to respect the fact that you also have priorities like school, homework, friends, and hobbies. He is not the only source of your happiness, and it's the expectations he's placed on your shoulders are bit unreasonable for this time in your life. You are still quite young yet.

[mimioreo]

Yeah, he basically told me that he will back off from now on. Thanks for the reply, there were many good points to it.