My friend...

[Charlie Boy II]

Dating is meant to be fun, right?!

EXACTLY!!!!! this sort of shit is what life's about. I don't understand why some people are getting so worked up in this thread. Just see how you go, everything'll come out in the wash.

[Incognito]

So, in other words.. you wouldn't marry your best friend because then you'd not be able to talk shit about them to them?

Why even talk shit to begin with? If they're your best friend as well as lover, just talk to them.

Sure, there are going to be differences from time to time... but that's normal and healthy.

Just being a lover and mild friend is like a contractual obligation with a bitching/betrayal loophole.. to me.

I still disagree with your view. I'm not saying that I wouldn't marry my best friend (if female) just because I wouldn't be able to talk shit about them to them. In your previous post you said "Why would you need advice from another about a SO who is your best friend as well? That combination would remove the desire to talk to anyone other than your SO about the love and respect you have for another or the natural hiccups along the way." I'm not sure what type of fairytale kingdom you live in but where I live there are situations that come about that you have to simply remove yourself from and vent to someone else. Yes differences from time to time are normal, healthy and expected, but NO ONE just sits down and talks it out EVERY SINGLE TIME. On those occassions it helps to vent to someone else who will understand and isn't involved. I typically talk to my best friend, who always gives me his objective and unique opinion. To say that marrying one's best friend eliminates the need to talk to anyone else seems naive.

[Incognito]

@ Qwerty: You've chosen your path. I hope it turns out well. If it turns out badly I hope you at least had fun while it lasts. I have to agree with Mishanya though in post # 108 though.

[dewilliams2]

@ Qwerty: You've chosen your path. I hope it turns out well. If it turns out badly I hope you at least had fun while it lasts. I have to agree with Mishanya though in post # 108 though.

Well from what you have said about your wife I don't know your the best to talk about who to pick....maybe you should have married your best friend?

I'm not trying to offend...I'm simply pointing out what I have noticed.

[Incognito]

Noted....and I'm not offended since you posted as you did. Thank you. Anyway, if my best friend had been a woman I would have had to think long and hard about it because once you turn a friendship into a relationship there's no going back. Either you'll have a successful relationship or a failed realtionship and a failed friendship at the same time. There are obviously exceptions, but in my experiences and observences those exceptions are in the vast minority. You seem to be one of the exceptions, so your perseption about this situation is obviously different. I've seen many male/female friendships move to sex, then to a relationship and utterly fail and both parties end up hating each other. Absolutely NONE of the people that I knew who took that path ended up having a successful relationship or remained friends. That's why I have taken the position that I have. As far as my bad decisions regarding marriage/relationships, I cannot help if someone misrepresents themselves and reveals their true colors later. I also don't see how that would make what I have said any less noteworthy since my position is based on my observences of others as well as experience.

[dewilliams2]

Noted....and I'm not offended since you posted as you did. Thank you. Anyway, if my best friend had been a woman I would have had to think long and hard about it because once you turn a friendship into a relationship there's no going back. Either you'll have a successful relationship or a failed realtionship and a failed friendship at the same time. There are obviously exceptions, but in my experiences and observences those exceptions are in the vast minority. You seem to be one of the exceptions, so your perseption about this situation is obviously different. I've seen many male/female friendships move to sex, then to a relationship and utterly fail and both parties end up hating each other. Absolutely NONE of the people that I knew who took that path ended up having a successful relationship or remained friends. That's why I have taken the position that I have. As far as my bad decisions regarding marriage/relationships, I cannot help if someone misrepresents themselves and reveals their true colors later. I also don't see how that would make what I have said any less noteworthy since my position is based on my observences of others as well as experience.

Yes but at the same time long term friendships and even relationships are rare. It is hard to find somebody to be with your entire life. I mean I've known my best friend since we were about 10...so 13-14 years. We have both kind of taken different paths in life but we get together from time to time although I know at some point in time we won't anymore...we are growing apart. But with that said I also know that no matter what I can always call him and know he will be there and he can expect the same from me....very few people have friends they keep from the time they are kids until the day they die and very few people stay with the same person they fall in love with or marry....things change and people change.

I'd risk a friendship in the pursuit of the person I want to spend the next 60 years of my life with. I want to be like my grandparents. The argue constantly yet at the same time you can see how much they love each other. When my grandma was in the hospital my grandpa couldn't even function. The dr. actually said if she passes we had better brace ourselves because he would follow shortly after. Luckily she came back around but then the same thing happened with him and she was the same way....when one goes we will lose both of them.

I hope I can find somebody that I can love to the point of dieing when they are not with me....I'll risk a friendship to feel that kind of love.

[IndiReloaded]

The horse is long out of the stable for Q. Even if its generally a bad idea to date your close friend, right now its 'brace for the worst and hope for the best' b/c there is no other option. Good luck, have fun, no point in stressing now!

[Incognito]

Yes but at the same time long term friendships and even relationships are rare. It is hard to find somebody to be with your entire life.......very few people have friends they keep from the time they are kids until the day they die and very few people stay with the same person they fall in love with or marry....things change and people change.

I'd risk a friendship in the pursuit of the person I want to spend the next 60 years of my life with. I want to be like my grandparents.

I hope you can see the contradiction in your own post. Your grandparents obviously didn't have the view that all relationships are temporary and expected to fail in time, otherwise they wouldn't be together. If that is indeed what you want (to be like your grandparents) you should reevaluate you view of relationships and perhaps even talk to them about their marriage. As I stated earlier we both have differing perspectives because of our different experiences. My best friend has been my best friend for about 15 years. I thought that most people had at least one long term friend, but perhaps I'm just fortunate.

[dewilliams2]

I didn't say they all fail...I said most do...its hard to find but I would risk a friendship to find that....there was no contradiction...simply a misinterpretation...I hate to break it to you but chances are that friend won't be that close to you forever...somebody will move or maybe even a fight...life happens...something...its rare.

I'm not saying you won't be friends...simply contact will be diminished and you will lose touch over time. It happens. Very few people are friends with those same people they grew up with until the day they die.

And I don't wanta talk to my grandparents...my grandma would just ask me if I was a Christian the whole time and my grandpa...well actually I don't mind him...he is crazy but funny as shit....mainly my grandma...she is evil...I'd of killed her long ago if I had been him.

[Incognito]

Actually we both grew up in Baltimore. He DID move to New York, and we kept in contact. He then moved to Washington state which is almost as far away within the United States as you can get from Maryland. We stiil kept in contact and still do. He is the one person out of friends and family that I have never even been in an argument with....period. We are both similar, and have a great respect for each other. I won't discount the possibility that we could grow apart over time, but I certainly don't expect that to happen. Also relationships are what you make of them and how much work you put into them. If anyone has a nonchalant attitude towards any relationship it will fail eventually. Relationships/friendships don't fail because of time, they fail because of neglect or negative actions. I am not attacking you, but simply disagreeing with the notions you presented. I mean no harm or disrespect. I say this because I sensed a little [frustration?] in your last post.

[dewilliams2]

Nope...not really frustrated at all really....don't know where you got that.

I consider your friendship not a true best friend situation....you are friends you have a relationship with somebody that will last but you don't see him regularly....I'm talking about the person who is always around you do everything with.

When one isn't there everybody asks you where they are...that kind of thing.

I was right, life happened and he moved away....your still friends but not best friends in the sense of insuperable....you've been separated.

I grew up with my friend, he moved to New York and then Vermont and now he is back here.

We didn't really grow apart as much as he kinda realized he is gay which totally doesn't bother me but I think he thinks I will judge him for it cause he doesn't introduce me to his other friends. But the thing is I lived with the guy for 2 years and I told him he was gay.

I'm like I really don't give a shit but your a queer....I love you regardless.

After he came back he hasn't been the same person....like I said I think he believes I will judge him when really I don't care what he does with his penis as long as he doesn't put it on me or anything I'm gonna be touching....thats not a lot to ask.

[Doc Durian]

I still disagree with your view. I'm not saying that I wouldn't marry my best friend (if female) just because I wouldn't be able to talk shit about them to them. In your previous post you said "Why would you need advice from another about a SO who is your best friend as well? That combination would remove the desire to talk to anyone other than your SO about the love and respect you have for another or the natural hiccups along the way." I'm not sure what type of fairytale kingdom you live in but where I live there are situations that come about that you have to simply remove yourself from and vent to someone else. Yes differences from time to time are normal, healthy and expected, but NO ONE just sits down and talks it out EVERY SINGLE TIME. On those occassions it helps to vent to someone else who will understand and isn't involved. I typically talk to my best friend, who always gives me his objective and unique opinion. To say that marrying one's best friend eliminates the need to talk to anyone else seems naive.

I never said that talking outside of the relationship was evil but did imply that it is disrespectful to the relationship.

We're chalk and cheese on this. Obviously, we have different values and fair enough.

[vashti]

I never said that talking outside of the relationship was evil but did imply that it is disrespectful to the relationship.

We're chalk and cheese on this. Obviously, we have different values and fair enough.

I am inclined to agree with you (to a certain point) about this. I am always surprised by how much people are willing to tell me about their marital life. I rarely share anything. I'm not sure which is healthier, though.

[Gigabitch]

The talking I've done outside my relationship, especially on this forum, saved the thing. There were moments where I was sure I was going to rent a backhoe and have a tidy burial in the backyard, but I was talked down by the community here and now I'm married (and not in jail).

My husband is the closest person to me in the world, but he is not my best friend. My best friend is the one who will be standing next to me at his funeral (God forbid), the person who will tell me to get a grip when he makes me nuts, the person who would remind me of my wedding vows if I even thought about straying. My best friend is the person he can ask for advice about what jewelry to get me. She's the one who will remind me that boys are dumb when he says something retarded and remind me that he is the love of my life, dumb comments and all.

[IndiReloaded]

I am inclined to agree with you (to a certain point) about this. I am always surprised by how much people are willing to tell me about their marital life. I rarely share anything. I'm not sure which is healthier, though.

FWIW, I've come to the conclusion its an introvert/extrovert thing. The introverts I know, male & female, are all stiff upper lip about their relationships. The extroverts, again both male & female, vent to friends. At least as far as verbal talking goes. The introverts seem to have just as much need to vent, they just go about it differently, often through physical means.

BTW, I don't mean the generic intro/extrovert personality, I mean neurological intro/extroverts.