It hurts like hell - I need advice!!

[jakki2903]

Ok my break up story starts like this, my boyfriend broke up with me after a bad row and was very adament it is over.

He started saying that he’d lied about everything, he didn’t love me etc but that was after I said ‘I would find this easier to accept if I knew you didn’t love me’. I was more or less begging him to give me another chance and he was having none of it. He kept saying how he had so much on his plate (he is renovating his flat) and didn’t need me moaning at him (he’d hurt me at the weekend and I kept going on at him to make it up to me) anyway, I ended up slightly changing his mind ‘I said, please let me try to make things right - we can cool things you don’t have to see me tonight, or even this weekend - maybe Monday - we could go out or work on your flat’ - he replies saying ‘ok, I’ll call you on Monday’ so I write back saying ‘so we’re not over - we’re just gonna cool things’ and he writes back ‘give me some time on my own to think about things, ok.’ So I say back ‘do u love me?’ and he writes back again saying ’ Need time to think’ and I respond again saying ‘But do u love me?’ and he writes back ‘yes’ so I write ‘I love u too. You can have the space you need it will do us both a world of good. I just need to know your still there for me?’ and he writes again ‘give me time’ and I left it with ‘Have a lovely week/weekend and good luck with all the works you need to do. If you feel like contacting me earlier then monday feel free otherwise monday is fine. I love you with all my heart and always will. Xx’

I never texted or rang him yesterday and I am going to leave him alone - do you think he will realize?? He was telling me he wants to marry me and how special I am - it’s just so hard to accept it’s really over.

I am giving him til Monday - although I know I need to switch off and move on.

I need advice.

[sure hearted]

listen with your gut... not your heart... or you will betray yourself!

What I am about to tell you will not be easy, but when you ask for the advice of others you have to be willing to look beyond where you are. You, my friend are too close to the situation to be objective. When seeking solutions, search for the truth in yourself, educate yourself on the issues/challenges, spend time alone to reflect while you also surround yourself with people who love and accept you to give you strength.

JJ....
This guy is jerking you around and you know it. Do not beg for love from anyone. It should always be given freely with the desire to increase someones heart and bring joy to their life. Is this how he makes you feel... or are you giving so much, he has no reason to give back? This is not an attack on your generous heart, more of a war call to say to you... defend and protect your essence for the man who will truly cherish you. DO NOT destroy the very best parts of you for anyone who will not pay the price to win your heart.

I do not sit in judgment of this mystery man. In this situation, you have two options: either keep seeing him and hope that he eventually comes around, or avoid any potentially serious heartache later, and break it off with him immediately. Although it may be impossible for you to choose the latter option because of your feelings for him which may have managed to overpower your better judgment, I must advise you to do whatever is in your best interest, and, unfortunately, that may mean ending a potentially perfect relationship.... in your eyes.

Here's why... love hurts! First of all, your chances of getting your heart blown to smithereens by this man are high because you may find yourself wondering if his indecisiveness points to a lack of loyalty or a flighty heart. It may be that he is not a disloyal person by nature, and once he has made up his mind about whom he loves, then he will be true to that person forever. But if he has simply not made that decision yet, he may just be a man who will never be able to be true to you.

If you are a relatively secure individual and aren't prone to attacks of paranoia, you may be able to cope with such uncertainty; if not, you will constantly be second-guessing him and trying to find out where he is, with whom and what he's doing. This type of worry and anxiety can leave you exhausted, and make him resent you, which isn't good for any relationship. That being said, love cannot always be controlled by reason. We are not robots that can be instantly programmed or deprogrammed depending on the situation. Thinking that you can stop being in love with someone simply because you should is naïve at best, and is only possible if you don't really feel that strongly about the person to begin with.

In love, there are no guarantees. Simply by opening yourself up to other people, you are setting yourself up for the possibility of getting hurt. OK... are you ready for the medicine. SLAM on the brakes! NOW... not another moment goes by in your life that you are not behind the wheel deciding the direction of your life. Write down your thoughts and call him, if this feels right to you to let him know you are done. It is not my place to tell you what to say. Let your words flow like tears... this is your life... this is your story. Be strong, not tough. Be sure, not manipulative. He will get the message loud and clear. Most men will never let 'the right one' get away. If he does, perhaps he is too selfish or immature for you at this stage in his life.

AND, if you think for a MOMENT, that you are not extemely valuable - then become the woman that you admire. Others have and you can too.

This is all I have to offer you sweet girl... other than a ((hug)) that will last you as long as you hold on...
d





But...

[barbie2932]

My boyfriend of 10 going on 11 years has asked me for a break. In the beginnig, about two months ago when he asked, it was all about getting closer to his 14 year old daughter. He divorced her mom when she was 4 tp be with me. She's been having problems in school for the first time, she's always been an A student. This year she started high school and when he went to parent teacher conferences, he found out she was failing 3 subjects. When he came home that night, he was visibly upset. Until this time we were having no major problems. I made the stupid mistake of saying that maybe he needed to move closer to her. Since we have been together, he has lived with me which is over an hour away from her. Well needless to say, a few days later, he tells me that he is going to move closer to her, even though this would mean going further from his work. He would now have almost an hour drive compared to the half hour he has now. So it's been two weeks since he's been gone, and it's almost two months since he first decided this was the course of action he should take. We have agreed that nothing will change between us and we will move back together again, once he has things straightened out with her.
He spent the night last night, first time since he left two weeks ago, and this morning, I asked him if this was all about being near his daughter, or if it has anything to do with us. Well he let loose and told me yeah, it did have something to do with us, it had something to do with all the mean things I have said about his daughter and family over the past ten years and he just can't forget them.........so........my questiion to you is, "Is he dumping me for his daughter or do you think there is someone else?" I have begged him to tell me if things are over between us, telling him that I deserved to know, and he insits that things will be okay and that I should stop being so paranoid.
We spent this day together at my familly's for Thanksgiving dinner. I asked him when he left two weeks ago if he would spend this day with my family and he agreed. I know he loves my family and enjoys hanging with them.
Another thing......our sex life has kinda been on hold for the past few years. We have been intimate, but not nearly as much as I think we should. We are affectionate in bed, and went to sleep in each other arms every night, and we did again last night when he was here...he says that he likes spooning just as much if not more than sex....is that possible???
I love him with all my heart, and truly regret anything I said to him in the past, that may have hurt his feelings...we talk about going on a romantic vacation in Feb. or March when things die down at work for him and his has completed the big project he has been working on for the past few months.
Is there hope for us, or should I give up because he is probably seeing someone else? Please advise ASAP. I'm going nuts here trying to figure this one out.
thanks

[shenmue]

good advice sure hearted.

[jakki2903]

My boyfriend of 10 going on 11 years has asked me for a break. In the beginnig, about two months ago when he asked, it was all about getting closer to his 14 year old daughter. He divorced her mom when she was 4 tp be with me. She's been having problems in school for the first time, she's always been an A student. This year she started high school and when he went to parent teacher conferences, he found out she was failing 3 subjects. When he came home that night, he was visibly upset. Until this time we were having no major problems. I made the stupid mistake of saying that maybe he needed to move closer to her. Since we have been together, he has lived with me which is over an hour away from her. Well needless to say, a few days later, he tells me that he is going to move closer to her, even though this would mean going further from his work. He would now have almost an hour drive compared to the half hour he has now. So it's been two weeks since he's been gone, and it's almost two months since he first decided this was the course of action he should take. We have agreed that nothing will change between us and we will move back together again, once he has things straightened out with her.
He spent the night last night, first time since he left two weeks ago, and this morning, I asked him if this was all about being near his daughter, or if it has anything to do with us. Well he let loose and told me yeah, it did have something to do with us, it had something to do with all the mean things I have said about his daughter and family over the past ten years and he just can't forget them.........so........my questiion to you is, "Is he dumping me for his daughter or do you think there is someone else?" I have begged him to tell me if things are over between us, telling him that I deserved to know, and he insits that things will be okay and that I should stop being so paranoid.
We spent this day together at my familly's for Thanksgiving dinner. I asked him when he left two weeks ago if he would spend this day with my family and he agreed. I know he loves my family and enjoys hanging with them.
Another thing......our sex life has kinda been on hold for the past few years. We have been intimate, but not nearly as much as I think we should. We are affectionate in bed, and went to sleep in each other arms every night, and we did again last night when he was here...he says that he likes spooning just as much if not more than sex....is that possible???
I love him with all my heart, and truly regret anything I said to him in the past, that may have hurt his feelings...we talk about going on a romantic vacation in Feb. or March when things die down at work for him and his has completed the big project he has been working on for the past few months.
Is there hope for us, or should I give up because he is probably seeing someone else? Please advise ASAP. I'm going nuts here trying to figure this one out.
thanks

Hi Barbie,

Thank you so much for your post. I am starting to feel much better and starting to analyse whether I want him back - I think it's more a case that I am being rejected rather then me truly being in love. I agree with everything you've said - but lately I have become very clingy and very moany - he has his flat to do and I am constantly going on at him and seeking constant reassurance - he has told me a million times that he loves me, would never cheat on me etc - they are words - when they are via email - actions when we are together - my friend stayed last night and curiosity got the better of me - it was her suggestion - we drove round to his flat (where he should be working) and his car was there - we drove round the back so that we could see in and he was on his own - wandering aimlessly like a lost puppy - he kept wandering from one room to the other - not doing anything - just staring - I even saw him look at his mobile and his face looked disappointed that there was nothing on it - I haven't been in touch since 5pm on tuesday and I am sure he didn't think I could. What do you think? DO u think maybe he is realising?? I would have been there with him helping him - he can't count on his mates.

Moving on to your situation - I really feel for you - why is it easier to be subjective to someone elses relationship and not your own??

Anyway - I think you just need to take a step back and let him do what he needs to do - I don't doubt he loves you - and it's very true - spooning as you call it can be preferred by some men - and can sometimes be closer then sex - imagine if you'd had sex and then he hadn't hugged you after? You'd feel worse - he just cannot stop thinking about the words you've said and they hurt - just let him get over them - they are only words - you've been very supportive by the sounds of it.

I don't think there is anyone else - but be vigilant - but not paranoid - like me!!

I need to know a bit more about the situation.

J x

[barbie2932]

Thanks Jackie for your reply....I just got off the phone with him and he is on his way to work this morning. I kept myself awake all night, thinking in my head that he was with someone else. After I just spoke with him, I realize that to be untrue. I torchered myself all night, because of my insecurities. It's awful feeling like this. I think in awhile, I will get over those feelings, but I have to stop calling him all the time. But you know as well as I how hard that is to say and then do. Sounds like you have done it though, You go girl!! Also sounds like he is missing you too...I can handle our trial separation, I won't be able to handle the cheating, if that would happen. He travels too much to be able to have another girlfriend. That's was everyone has said. And I know his main focus is his daughter, it has been for the past 10 years, and I have been jealous of it at times, hence the mean words that I have said....I feel better and I will be much better with all of this once I can get realize that he moved to be closer to his daughter and not to get away from me. BTW, he is coming here tonight for dinner, I asked him when I talked to him a bit ago.
Take care and keep me posted how things are going..

[jakki2903]

Thanks Jackie for your reply....I just got off the phone with him and he is on his way to work this morning. I kept myself awake all night, thinking in my head that he was with someone else. After I just spoke with him, I realize that to be untrue. I torchered myself all night, because of my insecurities. It's awful feeling like this. I think in awhile, I will get over those feelings, but I have to stop calling him all the time. But you know as well as I how hard that is to say and then do. Sounds like you have done it though, You go girl!! Also sounds like he is missing you too...I can handle our trial separation, I won't be able to handle the cheating, if that would happen. He travels too much to be able to have another girlfriend. That's was everyone has said. And I know his main focus is his daughter, it has been for the past 10 years, and I have been jealous of it at times, hence the mean words that I have said....I feel better and I will be much better with all of this once I can get realize that he moved to be closer to his daughter and not to get away from me. BTW, he is coming here tonight for dinner, I asked him when I talked to him a bit ago.
Take care and keep me posted how things are going..

Listen to this - I ended up getting in touch - I couldn't bear to go the whole weekend without knowing - so I emailed him at 10.30 and said I was sorry for getting in touch but did he still feel the same - an hour past and nothing - then I call his work - just to see if he is there and he is - so he's ignoring me - so I ask him if he can phone me about my door key - he replies and says will do after work, so I say why have you been ignoring me and he just writes back busy. So I say have u not missed me? and he writes back 'have u missed me' so I say loads and ask him again if he's missed me and he ignores me again - I dunno what to do!!

[barbie2932]

Oh my....OI don't know what to say.........Geez, I would be devestated if my boyfriend ingnored me... gotta go work out. Let me think about this and I'll get back to you with my reply. Take care

[barbie2932]

I was wondering how old you guys are and how long you have been together?

[jakki2903]

I was wondering how old you guys are and how long you have been together?

I'm 24 and he's 28 - we've been together 4 months which is pretty bad - but he says we can start afresh on Monday and that he loves me - that must be good??

x

[barbie2932]

I hope everything works out, but it seems that four months you are still getting to know each other....how did you meet?

[blackiesharley]

but lately I have become very clingy and very moany
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Geezzz... Where are all the women like that when I need them? Like right now. I'd love a clingy and moany girlfriend. (Add to that receipe affectionate and loyal)

????????

Hi Barbie,

Thank you so much for your post. I am starting to feel much better and starting to analyse whether I want him back - I think it's more a case that I am being rejected rather then me truly being in love. I agree with everything you've said - but lately I have become very clingy and very moany - he has his flat to do and I am constantly going on at him and seeking constant reassurance - he has told me a million times that he loves me, would never cheat on me etc - they are words - when they are via email - actions when we are together - my friend stayed last night and curiosity got the better of me - it was her suggestion - we drove round to his flat (where he should be working) and his car was there - we drove round the back so that we could see in and he was on his own - wandering aimlessly like a lost puppy - he kept wandering from one room to the other - not doing anything - just staring - I even saw him look at his mobile and his face looked disappointed that there was nothing on it - I haven't been in touch since 5pm on tuesday and I am sure he didn't think I could. What do you think? DO u think maybe he is realising?? I would have been there with him helping him - he can't count on his mates.

Moving on to your situation - I really feel for you - why is it easier to be subjective to someone elses relationship and not your own??

Anyway - I think you just need to take a step back and let him do what he needs to do - I don't doubt he loves you - and it's very true - spooning as you call it can be preferred by some men - and can sometimes be closer then sex - imagine if you'd had sex and then he hadn't hugged you after? You'd feel worse - he just cannot stop thinking about the words you've said and they hurt - just let him get over them - they are only words - you've been very supportive by the sounds of it.

I don't think there is anyone else - but be vigilant - but not paranoid - like me!!

I need to know a bit more about the situation.

J x