want to rekindle the spark in my relationship, suggestions?

[RdHrshyKss]

For men, a simple blowjob works wonders. I would also suggest acting like a pornstar when you do screw. Maybe take a facial.




Paul Cho

I agree that I could def do better in the bj department and I'm actively trying to do it more often. I'm not too fond of the whole porn star thing though because I want him to be with me mentally when we have sex. I don't want him projecting some fake porn star image on me. I'm fine with participating in something he might want to try but as long as its something we do together for each other, not some act he saw on a porn and wants to imagine he's with some other broad screwing her brains out. I feel that kinda stuff is what creates disconnect in a relationship.

[girl68]

Good on you for trying but you must realize that there comes a time when love just isn't enough. This rang true with my ex and I after 5 years.

[lahnnabell]

He laughs at your attempts to be sexy? That is downright terrible. Sex and being intimate are very vulnerable actions by nature. You are baring your fantasies, fetishes, and desires to the person you trust most in this world... And they laugh at you? Do you understand that this is creating deep emotional scarring in you? To the point where you are not comfortable opening up to him because you're afraid to be put down. Your man is supposed to love you and support you... NEVER laugh at your expense. EVER.

[RdHrshyKss]

Good on you for trying but you must realize that there comes a time when love just isn't enough. This rang true with my ex and I after 5 years.

I hear ya. I'm completely open to that possibility. Nothing good comes out of denial. I'm going to try to be positive and if nothing changes, its time I move on...

[RdHrshyKss]

He laughs at your attempts to be sexy? That is downright terrible. Sex and being intimate are very vulnerable actions by nature. You are baring your fantasies, fetishes, and desires to the person you trust most in this world... And they laugh at you? Do you understand that this is creating deep emotional scarring in you? To the point where you are not comfortable opening up to him because you're afraid to be put down. Your man is supposed to love you and support you... NEVER laugh at your expense. EVER.

Although my bf can be a jerkoff sometimes because he doesn't know how to suck up his pride, the whole laugh thing is more of an "I don't know what to do with myself" laugh rather than a "you are making a fool of yourself" laugh. We have both gotten so lazy in the sex department having been together so long, that I think he just doesn't know how to react. I need to open him up. He's always been pretty introverted and I want him to just let go a bit. We had sex last night and it was better than usual, but still not as connecting as I'd like it to be. Its like he's there and he sees me but he drifts off every once in awhile, not in like a bored way, but as if he's going off into his own little fantasy world imagining whatever he enjoys fantasizing about. I just want to get into that brain of his lol...

[EnjoyingLife]

It sounds like although you both love each other, you may be incompatible in a relationship. I admire you for wanting to make such an effort but he needs to also make an effort without you asking him to. The other day there was a good comment in the paper: "Work out your needs in a relationship, discuss those needs, and be willing to walk away if someone won't meet those needs". It's hard for people to make comment on a forum sometimes, as we don't see the two of you together but I think the above comment is good - if your needs aren't being met (especially when you have told him what they are) then maybe you should reassess the relationship.

Have fun in Vegas!

[EnjoyingLife]

I also think that sex loses its appeal with somebody if you don't feel that love connection while doing the deed. You should both naturally be looking into each others eyes lovingly during sex and this makes the sex 10 times better if you feel the connection. It's a good test to look into someone's eyes during sex to see if there is a connection! Obviously you can't do this the whole time, as it depends which position you are in!!

[girl68]

I love my guy but I think looking loving in his eyes is weird awkard and uncomfortable. And our sex is awesome. So I would disagree that gazing loving into someones eyes makes you connect.

[RdHrshyKss]

It sounds like although you both love each other, you may be incompatible in a relationship. I admire you for wanting to make such an effort but he needs to also make an effort without you asking him to. The other day there was a good comment in the paper: "Work out your needs in a relationship, discuss those needs, and be willing to walk away if someone won't meet those needs". It's hard for people to make comment on a forum sometimes, as we don't see the two of you together but I think the above comment is good - if your needs aren't being met (especially when you have told him what they are) then maybe you should reassess the relationship.

Have fun in Vegas!

Great comment! I'm going to keep this in mind as I try to work things out. I tried talking to him about these types of things before and he would acknowledge it but not really show any improvement. We've both gained some weight, and are both trying to lose weight. He's doing a lot better than me, but he's also spending A LOT of time out riding his bike on rough trails with some biker friends. I think he's starting to feel a bit better about himself physically and I've noticed a difference in his affections towards me...in a good way. Last night he was out late exercising and doing errands for his parents and I was already getting ready for bed when he got home. He was really considerate and offered to give me a massage and spend some time with me in bed even though he had other things to do. In the past he wouldn't have showed as much interest. I hope it's that my attempts to spice things up and his growing self-esteem is what's triggering it. It felt really nice. As for looking into his eyes during sex and vice versa...I tried doing this the other night and I felt a bit of a connection, but only for a short time. Either we'd change positions ;o) or he'd look away. I think it's just an awkwardness since it's not something that either of us have put much effort into doing in awhile and it might take some time to open up to it. I've talked to him about it a little and it seems like he's actually trying. It's a nice change for sure...

As for Vegas, I can't wait! Bought our le reve tickets yesterday, on sale too!, and have heard wonderful things about the show. Hopefully nothing goes wrong on this trip and we can truly appreciate the time away from all the stress back home and just kick back and relax with each other. It will be the first time in awhile...

[RdHrshyKss]

I love my guy but I think looking loving in his eyes is weird awkard and uncomfortable. And our sex is awesome. So I would disagree that gazing loving into someones eyes makes you connect.

Sometimes you're in the mood to just have sex and make each other feel good, not necessarily make that extremely deep connection. In the past I have avoided that deep feeling for some reason, I don't know why. Maybe because I felt weird about it and didn't want to be too vulnerable to the person I was with (even though I'm as vulnerable as I can be when having sex with someone haha). I do remember one time I was having sex with my ex boyfriend and we had a connection like that. I ended up crying. It was the weirdest feeling ever. I've never really had a happy cry before, it totally took me by surprise. It was embarrassing too because he didn't know if he was doing something wrong or not and I had to explain myself to him while we were in the act haha. But it definitely was a nice moment when I look back on it and the feeling I got will never be forgotten. Maybe you should try it, but only if you are willing to let yourself go like that. It's not easy ;o)

[girl68]

Sweetie you've got me all wrong... I don't want to look him in the eye, because as with most good things I consume like food, great music and penis I consume it best with my eyes shut. I completely block out all things visual and enjoy the feeling I experience. 80% of my hot sex consists of closed eyes, and when they are open I'm enjoying watching his ass pump me hard, and that awesome chiseled chest on top. Screw gazing into his eyes, I do that when I tell him I love him and I mean it.

Anyways my point is that connecting through sex can happen in many different ways and looking in the eye just isn't mine. As with your bf who seems like he also finds it a bit uncomfortable. I am most vunerable and close to my bf when I perform my fantasies, and his. I show a side of me no one else has seen, I am scared what he looks at, how he sees me and how he might react. That to me, is vunerability.

[RdHrshyKss]

Sweetie you've got me all wrong...80% of my hot sex consists of closed eyes, and when they are open I'm enjoying watching his ass pump me hard, and that awesome chiseled chest on top. Screw gazing into his eyes, I do that when I tell him I love him and I mean it.... I am most vunerable and close to my bf when I perform my fantasies, and his. I show a side of me no one else has seen, I am scared what he looks at, how he sees me and how he might react. That to me, is vunerability.

Just reading that gave me tingles...damn girl! I envy your confidence. I wish my bf and I had that kinda energy. We have our moments but I think I'm too self conscious to let myself go wild and I don't know how he'd take it if I surprised him. I dont even think he has it in himself to let go like that yet. He'd probably think I'm going crazy or it isn't real. Its hard to get out of a habit and even harder to convince your significant other that you have changed. We have a lot of work ahead of us if we want things to work out. I hope they do and my efforts weren't for nothing.

[girl68]

Your efforts will only work if he wants to put effort in too! You can give him the world but if he doesn't care, it doesn't matter. I'm not sure if we've covered this but have you asked him what he really enjoys in bed? Does he care what YOU enjoy in bed? Does he make you feel sexy (even when you're not being intimate?).

And after 4 years how come you STILL don't feel comfortable getting naked and being adored and letting it all hang out? I know that when I've had just a little bit to drink I'm just a little more wild... so perhaps you could have a cocktail with a movie... and get freaky during the movie?

[RdHrshyKss]

Your efforts will only work if he wants to put effort in too! You can give him the world but if he doesn't care, it doesn't matter. I'm not sure if we've covered this but have you asked him what he really enjoys in bed? Does he care what YOU enjoy in bed? Does he make you feel sexy (even when you're not being intimate?).

And after 4 years how come you STILL don't feel comfortable getting naked and being adored and letting it all hang out? I know that when I've had just a little bit to drink I'm just a little more wild... so perhaps you could have a cocktail with a movie... and get freaky during the movie?

He's been good lately in complimenting me and he does try to do things in bed that he knows turn me on. We haven't necessarily sat down and had a one on one chat about what we want in bed, but I'm sure he'd be open to it so ill try that.

I feel comfortable letting it all hang out, as does he. Its one thing to be be comfortable enough with someone to let it all out, but after being together for so long the excitement dies down a lot and neither of us made a real effort to keep it balanced. Now we are trying to make up for it.

Its like dirty dishes. If you clean it up after you use it, its quick and easy and the dishes stay in good shape. If you let them sit there dirty for a long time they become more difficult to clean and stained. We let things slide for too long and now were trying to make up for it. I've noticed him actively trying to be more supportive and intimate which has felt great. I just hope I can give him what he needs in return so it lasts. He's finally helping with the dishes for once lol...

Drinking helps me too although I tend to get silly sometimes. I'm a real lightweight haha

[klonk]

"Work out your needs in a relationship, discuss those needs, and be willing to walk away if someone won't meet those needs".

a little bit simplified, this sounds too much like a bank loan or car financing arrangement