Men who won't commit but still treat you like a girlfriend?

[sheenietee]

We completely act like a couple. I guess I will first of all start out by explaining why he said he's not rea dy for a relationship. He still has feelings for his ex (broke up with her almost a year ago though and has dated someone else since). He tried to rekindle things with her recently but it didn't work out and he said "it's officially over with her/no contact whatsoever for the next 2 years). " Now, all his long-term gfs(4yrs, 1 yr)have cheated on him, He doesn't want to hurt me by rebounding.

We're LD for the summer (in college, me 19, him 21). He talks to me every night he can though, I just got back from spending the week at his place, he drove me home cause he didn't want me to have to be on a 3 hour train ride(even though he had work that night and had to drive to his home 2 hours away after work).. He was willing to stay at my house and meet the fam, invited me to go on vaca with him and his fam. Buys me dinner, always compliments me. I have met his close friends, etc..We do have sex (as of recently when I spent the week with him last week.. he hasn't changed though). He has told me "if things work out well this summer, we can maybe try something". Even after we had sex, the day he dropped me off at home he called me that same night wanting to see how I was doing and to just talk. He also texts me saying "I'm the only girl on his mind" and texted me the minute he got home from his vacation that day. He originally told me that if we had sex, he would immediately make me his gf (b/c he knows my last bf left me after sex) but then he just assured me he had no want of leaving me but still didn't ask me out.. good thing right? I didn't want him to date me out of guilt. He basically treats me perfectly but “isn’t ready for a relationship.” Should I be worried or no?

I know it's not a "I want to have sex with other girls" type of thing. I know everyone says this, but I absolutely know those are not his ways. He told me I am the first girl he's slept with that hasn't been his gf. I'm just confused though as to how he can act like this but not want a relationship? Will he eventually want one? We have known eachother for only 1.5 months btw.

[sookie6]

No easy way solution.

I think for you to build a serious relationship from this unclear status quo you need to stop seeing each other.

Tell him you have the right feelings to be his gfriend and that he can contact you when he feels ready but not before that. This is not an ultimatum...after 1,5 month I don't think you could call it that but you need to be assertive now otherwise he will always be the one deciding on the direction of the realtionship...he needs to be aware you have feelings too.

I get the feeling he is confused anyway and needs some alone time.

[sheenietee]

I agree and I AM considering doing so. I remember there was one night where we weren't able to talk to each other online (just online! lol) and he told me he honestly missed me. I think he genuinely does have feelings for me.. which is why I have stuck around for so long. He confides everything in me and loves every second he spends with me. I want to give him time alone, but I am afraid to do so since we're LD for the rest of the summer. I feel like maybe I should wait til the fall to make any drastic measures.

Also, do you think there is any significance to him never have had sex with anyone who wasn't his gf until me? He originally told me that if we did have sex that I would be his gf the next morning.. he did not do so. Is that a bad thing or a good thing? He seemed to like me even more after the sex not less and I was glad that I wasn't "forcing" him to be my bf. And you can't say "oh, of course he's happy because he'll get free sex all the time now" because I won't see him for another 2.5 months. I don't know what to think!

[sookie6]

I agree and I AM considering doing so. I remember there was one night where we weren't able to talk to each other online (just online! lol) and he told me he honestly missed me. I think he genuinely does have feelings for me.. which is why I have stuck around for so long. He confides everything in me and loves every second he spends with me. I want to give him time alone, but I am afraid to do so since we're LD for the rest of the summer. I feel like maybe I should wait til the fall to make any drastic measures.

Also, do you think there is any significance to him never have had sex with anyone who wasn't his gf until me? He originally told me that if we did have sex that I would be his gf the next morning.. he did not do so. Is that a bad thing or a good thing? He seemed to like me even more after the sex not less and I was glad that I wasn't "forcing" him to be my bf. And you can't say "oh, of course he's happy because he'll get free sex all the time now" because I won't see him for another 2.5 months. I don't know what to think!

There is indeed a good chance that he is developing romantic feelings for you yes...but there is another possibility too. You see men are just like us, once they've been hurt they struggle to trust someone again..and here you show up...kind, loving and understanding just when he needs someone to lean on a bit, to talk about his hurting and to listen...and god do men love to be listened to !!!

So be careful you're not becoming his comfort blanket while he is rebinding ... you mother him in a way and he feels safe with you...

I reiterate my advice to you...get away from him for a while and let him fix his broken heart by himself..for a while...nothing good is gonna come out for you in the long term if you are too available (not talking about sex here but also emotionally...love or desire cannot develop without an element of challenge...)

My 2 cents.

[Graham Berkeley]

Frankly it sounds like he likes you but doesn't want to put himself in a position were he could feel whatever negative emotions he felt after his Ex's. If he keeps you at a distance then you can't hurt him in his mind. If hes worth it I would say let it ride out. Like you said he isn't doing anyone else so he is probably pretty genuine and isn't leading you on while he goes and sees how many chickies he can pile up.

[sheenietee]

Do you think it would be horrible if I let things continue the way they are now for the rest of the summer (we basically just talk online every night, sometimes webcam) and then in the fall decide to distance myself from him? I feel like if things are stable and good now and since we are so separated right now do to distance already, it would not have the effect I would like... right? I feel like he would just easily move on since he doesn't see me often anyways.. idk though I'm not very good with predicting behaviors lol. I just feel pretty confidently that things will stay the same during the whole summer so maybe I should make a move when we see each other more consistently on a daily basis if things don't change or if I don't feel satisfied.. cause right now he treats me better than any guy I have ever dated.


As a side note, I think it would be beneficial to quote exactly what he has said about wanting a relationship:

Me: really though, even though I am perfectly capable of being patient and understanding, I may just back away from you for my sake. you know? I think right now I have a good hold on things, but just in case...

Him: yeah, i completely understand

Him: honestly, even if sarah and i stop seeing each other completely as soon as she gets back, i am still not ready for a real relationship. at this point, it is like a double rebound, cause cynthia and i didnt end so well either
Me: my thoughts exactly actually, this whole time I as thinking the best thing he needs is no one, not me, sarah, or anyone.

him: yeah, i think i would be ok dating you, but not everyday for hours like we have been doing lol, although i completely enjoy it. i'm not afraid of becoming attached, but it would be nice to relax for a bit

Me: I completely agree and understand. Go for it, gather yourself, focus on yourself, and be happy with yourself until everything is stable (which if you take the proper route) will be soon enough.

Him: In the meantime, keep stretching


And yesterday I was joking around saying he always makes bad decisions and he said "well, I chose to be dating you you know "

That makes it sound official to me? but it's not! Hm.

[Gigabitch]

Protect yourself.

I know you'd like to think that actions speak louder than words, but that's because you speak Girl Speak. In Guy Speak, he's made it perfectly clear that he is not ready for a commitment and he will have no problem whatsoever citing this fact while you cry, crumpled in a pathetic ball at his feet, moaning about how he broke your heart.

I've seen it.

Understand that "dating" does not mean "serious relationship" in Guy Speak. Understand that you have been told exactly what to expect and you have no one but yourself to blame if you overcommit yourself to him.

[sheenietee]

Ok, this I understand. But what classifies as "over -committing"? I by no means feel like he's the one or that we're perfect for each other, and I am well aware it could possibly never be long-term. I am currently enjoying myself and so is he.. is it so bad that I continue it until the fall before "making a move" and distancing myself from him? I honestly don't think that if we continue to act and treat each other as we have been that he's going to randomly up and leave... I know he values me too much as a friend anyways and worries about me and wants whats best for me. I think that if I start to pressure him into being more than yes he'll lose interest... but I'm fine where I am right now.. simply inquiring to see if anything could possibly result from this. I like to be prepared.. which is why I ask so many in the future questions.. to prevent myself from being a stereotypical crier at his knees.. lol. I'm not letting myself become too attached because I realize the risks in this situation.