a question

[What The?]

Brief very brief history

We separated due to his depression, noone (and I mean no one) saw it coming. And the fact he ahd become emotionally involved with someone else. They knew each other 2 months. She listened and understood him (yadda yadda ugh). He broke up with me, shortly after she left her hubby and they moved intogether.
We have been together 18 years
children involved. He has them every weekend
Due to finances, children and business we are in contact alot. Even at the beginning we put everything aside to make sure the kids were as least affected as possible.

OK here's where i am at. 6 months later
For the past few weeks

He has been visiting "the kids" more and more. He stays though after they have gone to bed for a while.
He has been bringing stuff back to the house, he left a lot of stuff here as well. When I say stuff I mean clothes (he has to stay here one night while I work nights) as well as tools and even a trailer and he is bringing a vehicle back. his excuse is that he needs to use the shed although the house he is in has a garage and a carport. which also means more time here at the house as he works on the things here.
he has taken to texting and calling on a daily basis. these are to me not in regards to the girls or anything. Sometimes flirty
he spent a few nights here for the kids (2 within a week) birthdays, he wanted to be here for their birthday morning and their birthday night (earlier in the breakup he didn't do this with one of our other kids birthday he took off at the night).
He has been chatting about doing things around the house, not just little things BIG things.
he has given us extra money, bought things for me, gotten groceries...
I had removed myself from certain things like health insurance and he put me back on.
He is being more and more affectionate towards me almost "courting" me again.
There are other things as well.

I am confused to what is happening He is still with OW altho kids say things are different with him now. i refuse to put kids in a bad situation and won't ask anything.

So guys, any insight?
After the first few weeks of it all happening everything calmed down and for the most part we have been getting on well, we still argue occassionally very occassionally.
We have always been close, altho for 18 months before he left it was VERY stressful. I should have seen the signs of depression but hey 20 20 vision in hindsight.

Any insights would be good.

[ecojeanne]

what do you want? do you want him to want you again?

18 years and then he left you...this is a very long time to suddenly feel differently. how long was he depressed? was there a reason for the depression?

[What The?]

there were quite a few things.
It was most likely about 1 year he was depressed.
We had HUGE major financial stress for about 18 months still is stress there to a degree but not as much.
He was working hugely long hours to try and keep us above water and he started to burn out, this has changed also not working as much. I was also working but nights so we didn't see each other.
he felt unloved: I was spending alot of time on the computer when we were together. something i don't do at all when he's around now.
i fell pregnant unexpectedly with No5 child adding to the financial burden.
We were initially told No5 was a boy turned out to be a girl (this is Number 5 daughter) now don't get me wrong he ADORES his girls loves them to bits, is a great father, BUT I think there was some dissappointment that she wasn't a boy and this was definitely his last shot.
He got a vasectomy and felt emasculated, i was too busy with newborn to help him thought he would get over it.
We had stopped communicating with each other tired, stressed he was depressed.
He was ready for what happened. I have no excuse for him. But I forgive him.
OW came along empathised with all he said, told hima few lies (not all) and he was ready to go.
he dumped me took up with her, she was also married.

the thing is we are communicating now, have been since about 3 weeks after he left. every so often he brings up something and we discuss it.

i know he wants me but i am unsure where i stand.

I have been going out with friends, on dates, he's known about this but never worried about it.
But the last couple of weeeks have reminded me of when we first got together.
he never said anything to me just kinda hung round and made my life his life. And this is what it feels he is doing, slowly like the first time just edging his way in. I had a boyfriend but it didn't worry him i dumped bf, this time he has OW. I know she hates the fact he and I get on well, has been the cause of a few arguments. I know that for a fact as she phoned while he was here and although I tried not to hear it was difficult. Actually told OW that if she didn't like the fact we were friends she could P*** off as I and the girls were a prority in his life.
Onto how I feel?
confused. I love this man he has been apart of my life for 19 years together for 18.
Do I want him back?
Yes, but it's never been said as such. he left I thought it was over even though at first I tried my damndest to get him back. blah I know whether we get back together or not I will always love him. And oddly enough he loves me too we fell apart for stupid reasons not because of an affair, not because of fighting we just stopped turning to each other and talking and someone else stepped in and was able to provide that when he needed it most.
Do i trust him?
Once again yes I do.
He was straight down the line with me altho it hurt like hell. He didn't lie. And he stepped up to the plate took responsibility for how he felt and left.

But I would really like to know am i reading this wrong?
Is it possible because of the communication we've had, the fact he's recovering from his depression that he is feeling differently?
I know people may say I'm the backup plan but a few of his friends (after talking to him) have said no she was the escape and he's regretting it he is saying she was convenient (his word). Especially now as he is being treated for depression. Because depression doesn't clear up if you run.
Oh and something new one our staff was rude to me and he found out, he tore strips off him and the chap is lucky to have his job still, as he was telling me this he also said no one is allowed to disrespect you, when the conversation went to end he went I love you bye. i was left staring at the phone.
He never takes her to see his family, comes over to pick me up so we can go together but never her not since the very very beginning and only the once.
it's not my business that side of things.

Part of me wants to laugh at his gently gently approach, part of me wants to smack him for doing it. and as bizarre as it sounds part of me feels bad for the woman he is with as she has no idea what she got herself in for when he went with her. he may have thought he loved her but anyone who knew him knew he didn't oh don't get me wrong he cared/s for her but not love.

Ack I'm all over the place but it is how I feel all over the place.
Don't want my hopes up to be dashed, think I'll just take it one day at a time and see where the path goes as i lead my own life.

[nerdy_guy]

Just take things as they are, one day at a time. Earning back trust is a gradual approach. He left, now he's back. Just quietly observe him and don't expect things from him. If things are not in jurisdiction, ask him if he wants to do it. If he does it, fine. If he won't, let it go. Gauge things from there, and progress back.

He got depressed and now he's back. maybe there are things that are starting to make sense to him again, and he's trying to pick things up from where he left off. Give him a chance, but don't expect. That way, you won't get hurt.

[What The?]

Thanks nerdy_guy,
Yeah slow is the way, the only way. but can't help that heart going pitter patter LOL.
I won't force the issue, I'll be patient and keep living my life can't let it stop now. It's good for everyone involved that we live.
It almost feels as if he is dipping his toe in here and keeping her for backup.
all I know is that as long as we do this right whether it works out or not the girls will be fine.

[nerdy_guy]

Its nice that your heart kept a candle lighted for him. 18 years of marriage is quite wonderful after all Good luck!

[jessZ]

Wow, I'm really impressed with your maturity and also your focus on the best interests of your children. I agree with the above - take is slowly and keep the lines of communication open (sounds like you are), but maintain your other support networks (friends, family etc) incase things don't work out. Must say I admire your strength and I hope everything works out for you.

[What The?]

Maturity LOL
Thanks.
Last night he was over for tea.
He was lovely, warm and loving.
He cuddled on the lounge with me and then he curled up and went to sleep on me while watching tv.
Iwoke him to send him home and he seemed reluctant.
Kept kissing me and telling me he loved me. I will see him tonight as he picks the girls up.
Ironic, I am now an OW *sigh*
Oh well.
Still one step at a time, one day at a time.

[Gigabitch]

Wow. This guy has it all. Two girlfriends and nobody says boo about it.

He must be quite a prize.

[Kayla]

OW is going to be in for a world of hurt when your man comes home to you and his kids. I have a hard time feeling sorry for her- wonder if her husband will take her back? 18 years and 5 kids is worth fighting for.. keep at it. And I agree with the other posts on how you are handling this. I dont know if I could be as nice about OW as you are!

(Not that I dont think the man has any responsibility for it.. )

[What The?]

LOL
more than you'll ever know Gigabitch.
But to be honest I don't care if you do or not, I am looking at whether the signs show he is wanting to come back and they indicate so.
I will state
He has NEVER done anything remotely like this before, depression can make for strange behaviours and I speak from experience here not just watching him.
If he had been remotely like this, abusive or a myriad of other things in the past I would not be considering him at all.
People may say depression is not an excuse, and i say they have never experienced it. his initial behaviour was directly related to his depression.
I will take it slow, it is my choice to accept the way things are, when we reconcile I have no doubt there will be "rules" for both sides.
I am willing to take the chance as he is a very good man. Once gain it is my choice and won't affect you in the slightest except maybe your moral beliefs.
It takes a long while to recover from depression and it can lead to stupid fears as well.

[What The?]

Kayla,
her DHis living with another woman now.

ETA
Believe me I was hurt beyond belief. But I take great delight in being polite to her, smiling a certain type of smile and watching her squirm.
I was doing the smile even before this attention started.
I am not tthat nice.

[xxazurexx]

I agree with Giga and two women more than willing to give him the best of both worlds it would seem. Gawd, lucky him eh.

I reckon his relationship with her hasn't been all rosy, hence why he's worming his way back in.

I wouldn't have a CHEATER back and if his arse was decked with diamonds, no matter how long I'd been with him.

Who is to say he aint gonna get depressed again and dive into another emotional affair and leave?

And don't buy the bullshit he didn't feel loved either.....cheaters just love to lay the blame on us and for their infidelities. I know, I married one too!

[xxazurexx]

LOL
more than you'll ever know Gigabitch.
But to be honest I don't care if you do or not, I am looking at whether the signs show he is wanting to come back and they indicate so.
I will state
He has NEVER done anything remotely like this before, depression can make for strange behaviours and I speak from experience here not just watching him.
If he had been remotely like this, abusive or a myriad of other things in the past I would not be considering him at all.
People may say depression is not an excuse, and i say they have never experienced it. his initial behaviour was directly related to his depression.
I will take it slow, it is my choice to accept the way things are, when we reconcile I have no doubt there will be "rules" for both sides.
I am willing to take the chance as he is a very good man. Once gain it is my choice and won't affect you in the slightest except maybe your moral beliefs.
It takes a long while to recover from depression and it can lead to stupid fears as well.

Yeh, yeh, yeh...keep on making excuses for him, if it makes you feel better. Next thing you will be trying to tell us, is that it was the other womans fault....she wouldn't take no for an answer and dragged him into this affair and off to live with her.

Adultery is not the cure for depression.

And if he was depressed, why didn't he visit a doctor and get medication?

[Kayla]

Kayla,
her DHis living with another woman now.

okay- just to clarify OW's hubby is shacked up with another woman? I bet they have kids too. What a mess-

I know he cheated and its easy to for me to say not to take back a cheater (as I have never been in that situation personally). But then I think about the 18 years and the 5 kids and realize its probably alot easier said than done.. if you want to give him another chance, I would make him work his ass off for it, though. Dont make it so easy because then he might think its okay to do it again sometime in the future. He needs to do some serious work to earn you back-

I will be honest and say I would have a hard time saying good bye for ever after the length of time and the fact that there are kids involved. Right or wrong, thats just honestly the way I imagine it would feel to be you right now.